Imaginary Conversations

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  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent

    Now that's an imaginary (or not-so-imaginary) conversation I think we need to hear! πŸ˜³πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

     Recently I had to go to London, to return some milking apparatus for a joke that had gone wrong. It turned out the shop had previously been a book store, and there were still some boxes of books in the back that the owner had left behind before retiring to the Philippines. I had some time before my flying saucer landed in Trafalgar Square, so I took hold of one of the boxes and began looking through it…


    The George Lazenby Book Of Missed Opportunities” Foreword by Patrick McGoohan

    All About Nuclear Fiziz…Fiz... Phizziks” by Dr Christmas Jones

    I Say Never Again” by Sean Connery (1st Edition: 1967)

    I Say Never Again” by Sean Connery (Updated Edition: 1971)

    Things Your Momma Told Me” by Jinx Johnson

    The Big Bumper Book Of Bouncing Balls” by Le Chiffre

    My Dentist And Me” by Jaws. Foreword by Dolly (Certain Older Editions Only)

    Releasing Your Films More Frequently” by Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli

    Releasing Your Films On Time” by Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli

    Releasing Your Films At All” by Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,030MI6 Agent

    Great stuff, Barbel, and wow, I’m part of one of your legendary conversations, that’s like a celebrity being asked onto the Morecambe and Wise Show! πŸ˜‚

    I remember another one you may have missed:

    The Man Of A Thousand Faces by Felix Leiter

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    Glad you liked it, CHB!

    C&D and I are working on more, that'll be posted later- and of course will include your title!

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,417Chief of Staff

    All great titles πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ€£

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    Realising that lifting these heavy boxes of books was too much for my aged arms, I called on Charmed & Dangerous for some assistance. He arrived soon afterwards.

    C&D: Hey look, Barbel, the previous owner has left a book out for us.

    Barbel: Which one is it?

    C&D: It’s “The Man Of A Thousand Faces”, by Felix Leiter.

    Barbel: That’s good! I wonder if they have his sequel, “I’ve Got Nothing Against My Right Leg”?

    C&D: Well, let’s open this box and see what we can find.


    Unforgettable” by Bill Tanner

    The Teenager’s Guide to Freeze-Framing” by Chew Mee. Foreword by Tatiana Romanova

    Cunning Stunt Doubles” by Sir Roger Moore

    No Time To Direct” by Danny Boyle

    Here We Go Again” by Thomas Newman

    Squeeze Me, Please Me” by Xenia Onatopp

    Monkey On My Shoulder” by Wolf Mankowitz

    Everything I Know About Music” by Harry Saltzman. Foreword by Eric Serra (Expanded Edition, now 2 pages inc Foreword)

    Brake? What Brake?” by Emilio Largo

    Effective Product Placement: Too Much is Never Enough” by Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli


    Barbel: Hey look, C&D, that last one was sent in all the way from Minnesota!

    C&D: That’s interesting- which town?

    Barbel: Says here...”Gymkata”.

    C&D: Hmm, strange name for a town.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,702MI6 Agent

    I have to update my reading list.

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,907MI6 Agent

    Barbel said:

    C&D: It’s “The Man Of A Thousand Faces”, by Felix Leiter.

    Barbel: That’s good! I wonder if they have his sequel, “I’ve Got Nothing Against My Right Leg”?

    Peter Cook and Dudley Moore the Tarzan Audition sketch (3:05)! do I win a prize?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    Well spotted, sir! Absolutely no prize awarded, though.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    I like those a lot! Looks like there's going to be another box discovered soon.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,702MI6 Agent
    edited May 2021

    "Better make that two: monogamy and AIDS" by Timothy Dalton

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,702MI6 Agent

    "Scotland forever! Tax law and living in the sun" by sir Sean Connery

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,702MI6 Agent

    "A slight stiffness: Why monogamy sucks" by George Lazenby

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,702MI6 Agent

    "You're full of it: An open letter to Kevin McClory" by Timothy Dalton

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,702MI6 Agent

    "We're here to take it back: mission in Hongkong" by Wai Lin

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    I'm thinking about changing my screen name to "Pandora".....

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    If anyone hasn't seen this marvellous sketch, please follow the link caractacus has kindly provided above. If you have, please read my poor tribute below- all credit to the late Peter Cook, I just changed the names and details.



    CIA Offices, Langley. A CIA Director sits behind his desk, as the door opens and Felix Leiter hops in.

    Director: Nice to see you.

    Felix (Still hopping up and down.) Nice to see you.

    Director: Settle down. (Puts a hand on Felix's shoulder and stops his hopping.) Uh, Mr. Leiter, is it not?

    Felix Yes, Leiter’s the name, spying's my game.

    Director: I see. Leiter is the name and spying is your game.

    Felix: Right.

    Director: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Leiter.

    Felix: Certainly, yes.

    Director: Thank you very much. (Felix hops over to a chair and rests what’s left of his left leg on it.) Mr. Leiter, er, you are applying, are you not, for the job of CIA agent?


    Felix: Yes.

    Director: Uh, Mr. Leiter, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing -- almost immediately -- that you are a one-legged man.

    Felix: Oh. You noticed that?

    Director: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Leiter, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.

    Felix: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

    Director: That kind of thing, yes.

    Felix: Mm, yes.

    Director: Now, Mr. Leiter, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the job of a CIA agent.

    Felix: Yes, right.

    Director A job traditionally associated with a two-legged person...

    Felix: Yes, correct, yes, yes.

    Director: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the job..

    Felix: Yes, right, yes.

    Director: A position for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Leiter, need I point out to you without overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

    Felix: Yes, I think you ought to.

    Director: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say without, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.

    Felix: The leg division?

    Director: The leg division, Mr. Leiter. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the job. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a lovely leg for the job!"

    Felix: Ah!

    Director: I've got nothing against your right leg.

    Felix: Ah!

    Director: The trouble is -- neither have you. You, uh, you fall down on the left.

    Felix: You mean it's inadequate?

    Director: It is inadequate, Mr. Leiter.

    Felix: Mm.

    Director: In my view, the public is not yet ready ...

    Felix: No?

    Director: ... for the sight of a one-legged CIA agent saying “Yes, James” and “No, James” and “Are you sure, James?”

    Felix: No. No, right.

    Director: But don't despair, Mr. Leiter. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.

    Felix: Well, I've got twice as many.

    Director: You're streets ahead!

    Felix: So there's still hope?

    Director: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Leiter.

    Felix: Ah!

    Director: I mean, if we get no two-legged applicants in here within, say, the next, oh, (Checks his watch.) eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type of person we shall be attempting to contact with a view to agentdom.

    Felix: (Likes the sound of that.) Agentdom!

    (Felix gets off chair, shakes hands with the Director while hopping up and down.)

    Director: I'm just sorry I can't be more definite at this stage.

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent

    C&D: Hey Barbel, there's another unopened box here. Give me a hand will you? Thanks.

    Barbel: It's quite heavy isn't it? Let's have a look at what's inside. Look! There are DVDs and CDs in this one as well as books:

    "Brace yourself, Dolly!" by Jaws

    "Braces? Don't you start, too" by Dolly

    "Horrible Bosses". Audio commentary by Craig Mitchell

    "Heartbreak Hotel" by Elvis. Sleeve notes by Dominic Greene

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    😁😁😁

    And there's still a few books left under those-


    How To Make A James Bond Film” by Charles K. Feldman

    Car Mechanics My Way” by Jack Wade (Free sledgehammer included)

    All My Own Work” by Kevin McClory. Foreword by Monty Norman

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,030MI6 Agent

    By CHB and Barbel:


    TMWTGT – The Man With The Green Trainers

    Title Song:

    # He has no sartorial taste

    # He wears what he thinks is chic

    # A dresser that's first to no one

    # The Man With The Green Trainers

    # Lurking in some darkened doorway

    # Or crouched in a watchshop somewhere

    # ln the next room, or this very one

    # The Man With The Green Trainers


    M’s Office. Bond enters.

     

    Bond: Good morning, sir. Colthorpe. Chief of Staff.

    M: What do you know about a man called Higgybum?

    Bond: Higgybum? Oh, yes! The Man with the Green Trainers. A spectacular mis-dresser by the time he was ten. The EEC trained him in Europe, where he became an overworked, underpaid clothing designer. He went independent in the 60’s- he’s a lot older than he looks. Now famous for his sartorial inelegance. Current price: one million dollars to make people wear a pair of green trainers in public, not even the homeless have taken up the offer. A likeness has been seen on something called AJB. 


    He always wears green trainers, hence 'Man with the Green Trainers' Present domicile unknown, but rumoured to be somewhere in Germany. l think that's all. Why, sir?

    (M passes over a shoe box. Bond opens the lid and lifts out a pair of green trainers. Bond looks at them with barely disguised disgust and flips them over to see the soles.)

    Bond: Even has my number on it.

    M: Precisely.

    Bond: Obviously they’re useless as footwear. Who would pay a million dollars to have me wear these in public?

    M: Jealous husbands, outraged chefs, humiliated tailors. The list is endless.

    Bond: Why would he want me to wear these in public?

    Bill Tanner: Psychological. 

    Bond: Oh, are you still here, Bill?

    M: As soon as you are seen wearing these your career is over.

    Bond: This never happened to the other feller.

    M: I’ll endorse your request to resign. Or you can take a sabbatical until you’re replaced by Timothy Dalton.

    Bond: I don’t think that’s exactly what he’s hoping for, sir. Quite the opposite, in fact.

    M: Yes, well, no need to get all misty-eyed about it. One more clue- you might find him buying wristwatches….

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,030MI6 Agent

    CD: Misty by Timothy Dalton

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    I'm guessing Higgins himself supplied you with that "likeness", CHB? I'd have thought something like...

    ....would have been more likely!

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,030MI6 Agent

    I’ve never seen an episode of Magnum so this mistake is all down to me, I should really leave ALL the editing to you 🀣

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    Oh, I wouldn't call it a mistake- it's funnier!

  • HigginsHiggins GermanyPosts: 16,618MI6 Agent
    edited May 2021

    Just like in the movie - that Higgins guy seems to be an amicable and quite reasonable fella πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚


    Love it btw πŸ‘πŸΌ

    President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

    Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,702MI6 Agent

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    1967


    Hello my darling

    I hope everything is well with you. I am writing from the beautiful hotel room that Mr Saltzman and Mr Broccoli have put me in. Everything is very pleasant.

    You would not believe the size of the set that we are filming in! It appears to be inside a volcano, and has a space rocket and a monorail. I have never seen such a thing before.

    Mr Gilbert, the director, has been very nice. I have to say, though, that Mr Connery has not been very sociable. When we are not filming, he just stands at the side, smoking a cigarette and rolling his eyes. He seems very impatient. I have had some difficulty with his, how do you say, Irish accent, but I think I am understanding him now.

    Mr Gilbert says that the producers want to see me tonight, so I am writing to you while waiting. I enclose a photograph of me in costume with the cat I must hold. I believe it is called "Tiddles".

    I am looking forward to tomorrow. Ah, there is a knock on the door. I wonder what Mr Broccoli and Mr Saltzman want to see me about.

    All my love,

    Jan

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Barbel and CHB - these are hilarious!

    Bond: Why would he want me to wear these in public?

    Bill Tanner: Psychological. 

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff

    1985 Waterfront location.


    Chuck Lee: Looking for something special?

    Bond: Yes. Soft-shell crabs.

    Chuck: Might have some in the back. (To friend.) I'll be back in a few minutes.

    (They begin walking.)

    Chuck: Chuck Lee, CIA. It's a pleasure working with 007.

    Bond: Thanks. Now, what about Zorin?

    John Glen: And cut! Roger, David, we had a bit of trouble with background noise there, we're going to have to shoot it again.

    Roger: But of course, John.

    David Yip: Sure thing, Mr Glen.

    John: Take five, everyone, while we reset everything.

    (Roger walks over to the side, where his wife Luisa is waiting with an attractive couple.)

    Luisa: Roger, darling, look who's here!

    Roger: Maud! How wonderful to see you!

    Maud Adams: And you, too. This is my boyfriend, Steven.

    Steven: Hello there.

    Roger: Delighted to meet you.

    Luisa: Charmed, I'm sure.

    Roger: Look, I have to be back on set soon. Why don't the two of you have dinner with Luisa and I tonight?

    Luisa: Yes, do.

    Maud: That would be wonderful.

    Roger: And, listen, I have an idea- how about you being an extra in this scene? Just walk past in the background?

    Maud: That's a great idea!

    Roger: I'll just clear it with John, the director- though I don't see there being a problem. John, could you spare a moment, please?

    (John walks over.)

    John: Yes, Roger, what is it?

    Roger: You remember Maud, of course.

    John: Maud, how wonderful to see you again!

    Maud: And you, John.

    Roger: Look, John, I've had this little idea- how about having Maud be an extra in this scene? A nice unexpected bonus for the audience!

    John: That's a great idea, Roger, we'll do it right away- she can walk past while you and David are talking.

    Maud: Hey, three James Bond movies!

    John: Don't bother about make-up and costumes, I'll keep you out of focus- though I must admit that is a shame considering how wonderful you look.

    Maud: Why, thank you, John.

    John: Well, let's just get everyone ready and-

    Roger: Just a minute, John.

    John: What? What is it?

    Roger: I've had an even better idea...

    Maud: A better idea? Tell us!

    Roger: We'll let everyone know that you're here, on location. The magazines and newspapers will be only too happy to pick up on that.

    Luisa: Yes?

    Roger: And we spread a rumour. We drop hints that Maud is in this scene- but she isn't. You, Steven, will be though.

    Steven: What?

    John: I don't understand.

    Roger: We let the rumour spread that Maud can be spotted in the waterfront scene we're shooting right now, as an extra- but she isn't. You, Steven, will be though- just as I'm about to talk to David.

    Maud: Well, what's the point of that?

    Roger: James Bond fans will watch the film again and again, trying to spot you- it might sell a few more tickets. And those Bond fans will spend years trying to find out exactly where you are! They'll watch the film again and again at home, fast-forwarding and rewinding, saying "Is that her here?" or "I think I saw her there"- and you're not there!

    Luisa: Roger!

    John: I just love your sense of humour, Roger- let's go for it! Right, places everyone... and action!


    (I just watched Calvin Dyson's latest video, and it got me thinking...)

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