Imaginary Conversations



  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    Oh no, it's not a "What If". Deighton really did work on the FRWL screenplay before Maibaum, with Harry Saltzman taking him to Istanbul early in the process.

  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,925MI6 Agent

    Very funny, Barbel. Can't quite erase the Ipcress Foio I guess.

    You're doing research? Glad my obsessive researching is having an effect. 😀

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,394MI6 Agent

    I did know that bit, just never saw any examples of his dialog.

    apparently he's written an ebook on his involvement with the Bond films and his friendship with both Fleming and McClory, called James Bond: My Long and Eventful Search for His Father. anybody read this?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    No, I haven't read that... yet. My attempt at dialogue was just me trying to copy your 'arry Palmer speak.

    And Westward, research??? You think I needed to do research for that? Clearly I have some work to do on my public image.

  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,925MI6 Agent

    I'm sorry. I neglected to consider your encyclopedic knowledge on all things Bond. I will now retreat to the "safety" of Elizabethan theater.

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,394MI6 Agent

    the best was when I asked about one of the nonspeaking female extras in Moonraker, an actress I finally realised was in two different scenes, and within seconds @Barbel was telling us all about the various titled aristocrat chicks Drax hangs out with and assuring us they all went up in the space shuttles, he knew all the actresses names and included a screencap of exactly which one was Lois Maxwell's daughter. within seconds and completely encyclopedic!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    Thanks, @caractacus potts , but these days I feel like Homer Simpson-

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    Better late than never....

    2022. Eon HQ, inside a tomb in Matera.

    BB: I think it’s time we came to a conclusion on this, Michael.

    MGW: Already?

    BB: “No Time To Die” has mostly finished its run in the cinemas, and we’re over the first burst of home video sales.

    MGW: Yeah, you’re right. We should make an announcement before too long.

    BB: So, we’re looking for a man who’s tall and handsome…

    MGW: Someone who can make a wisecrack yet remain in character…

    BB: Someone who looks good in a tuxedo…

    MGW: And someone who can convincingly throw a punch.

    BB: Then there’s really only one choice-

    MGW/BB: Will Smith!

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 4,762MI6 Agent

    I think the most imaginative bit in the above conversation is the fact that they’re actually talking about the next movie 😂

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    Ah, if only that were true. 😥

    1973. Pinewood Studios, set of “Live And Let Die”.

    Guy Hamilton: So, Yaphet and Roger, I need a bunch of shots of the two of you fighting in the water.

    Roger Moore: Of course, Guy.

    Yaphet Kotto: No problem.

    Guy: We’ve already got the fight on land and the two of you falling into the water. I’ll be intercutting that with some shots of sharks once you’re in the water, just to add the necessary element of danger.

    Roger: But of course.

    Yaphet: As long as there’s no real sharks in the water with us!

    Guy: Relax, they’ll be filmed separately then we’ll cut the film together.

    Roger: Glad to hear that!

    Guy: Just remember, during the underwater fight, Roger you have to slip the shark pellet into Yaphet’s mouth so that he blows up.

    Roger: All right.

    Guy: Okay boys, bring in the inflatable Dr Kananga.

    (The stagehands manoeuvre the balloon version of Kananga into position.)

    Yaphet: Oh, wait just one minute here.

    Guy: A problem, Yaphet?

    Yaphet: You’re damn right there’s a problem. That… thing! … is supposed to be me????

    Guy: Yes, that’s right.

    Yaphet: That looks nothing like me!

    Guy: Yes, but you see-

    Yaphet: No way am I agreeing to that!

    Guy: Yaphet, if you’d just-

    Yaphet: I know Roger’s gotta win the fight, he’s James Bond after all, but can’t he just make it out of the pool and watch me being eaten by the sharks?

    Guy: Yes, but-

    Yaphet: That’s close enough to what happens in the book, after all!

    Guy: Yaphet, please-

    Yaphet: This is ridiculous! It makes a mockery of the ending!

    Guy: Do you know how much we spent on this inflatable model of you? It’s going in.

    Yaphet: But Guy-

    Guy: No buts- it stays!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    I had the privilege of interviewing the late Yaphet Kotto on behalf of AJB007 a few years ago.

    AJB Interview with Yaphet Kotto — ajb007

    And while the dialogue above is obviously imaginary, he very much disliked the way his character died. "It was laughable. I tried to persuade the producers to consider doing it again".

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff



    Body found below film poster

    Police are investigating an apparent case of murder in Istanbul. A man’s body was found below a poster for a current film, with a rope ladder dangling from a window which opened onto the poster. Reports that two men, one with his arm in a sling, had been seen leaving the area are being enquired into.

    Unconfirmed witness statements that the dead man had earlier been spotted in a local gypsy camp are being followed up. Further reports that the man had connections to the Russian embassy have been denied, an embassy spokesman saying "The world knows we are a peace-loving people…."

    (Continued on Page 6)


    In other news:

    Swarm of rats infesting downtown area- Page 3

    Body found in St Sophia building- Page 4

    Flood caused by overflowing bath in local hotel- Page 5

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    1987. Shooting of “The Living Daylights”.

    John Glen: Now, Timothy, I need a shot of you and Maryam getting on board the cello case.

    Timothy Dalton: Certainly, John.

    John: Then I’ll get Paul Weston to take your place and-

    Timothy: Wait there, John. We’ve talked about this. I want to do the stunt myself.

    John: Timothy, you’ve got to slide down the snow very quickly and I don’t want you to-

    Timothy: (Firmly.) I’m doing it myself.

    John: Well, if you say so….

    John: Right, I need a good close-up of you on top of the Land Rover.

    Timothy: Fine, I’ll do that.

    John: Then we switch you out for the stuntman and-

    Timothy: No way, I want to do this myself.

    John: Tim, I can’t take the chance of you hurting yourself and-

    Timothy: (Gritted teeth.) I’m doing this myself.

    John: All right, fine…

    John: Now, next we need a shot of you falling out of the back of the airplane, and grabbing onto the net. Ok, Tim?


    John: Tim?

    John: Tim?

    Timothy: All right, the stuntman can do that one.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    1974. Pinewood Studios.

    Guy Hamilton: Right, have a look at this, John.

    John Barry: Okay.

    Guy: You see? The car does a complete turn over the broken bridge.

    John: Let me see it again, Guy.

    Guy: Certainly.

    Guy: Got it?

    John: Got it.

    Guy: You’ve been doing the car chase music, then we get to this- it's the climax of the whole thing.

    John: Right, right.

    Guy: So I’m relying on you to underline this and make sure it’s really impressive.

    John: Okay, I’ve got it.

    Guy: You won’t let me down here, now, will you?

    John: Guy! Have I ever let you down?

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,702MI6 Agent
    edited April 17

    Sorry, I can't remember if this one's been done before...?

    1984. The phone rings at Debbie McWilliams' office.

    Debbie: Hello, Casting.

    Michaela: Hi, Michaela Clavell here.

    Debbie: Hi, Michaela, how are you?

    Michaela: Great. I just thought I'd call to see if you have any... news for me...?

    Debbie: Well, I...

    Michaela: It's just that Lois let me know you'd called *her* for the next Bond and... I... I was wondering if...

    Debbie: ...if Moneypenny still needs her assistant?

    Michaela: Exactly. You see... if I do get to come back for this next one, I'm rather hoping it would put me in the frame for the day when...

    Debbie: Say no more, Michaela. I see where you're going with this. Can you hold the line for me, dear...?

    [Two minutes later]

    Debbie: Hi again, thanks for waiting. I've checked with 'upstairs' and, well... there's frankly a concern that the script for the new film is rather top-loaded with allies for Bond already... not only M, Q, Monepenny and the Minister of Defence, but also horse trainers with espionage pedigree, moustache-twirling French detectives, fishy CIA agents, you name it... There's enough 'assisting' going on to prop up several Bond films... not to mention glamorous ladies... jodhpurs, jacuzzis, Mary Stavin...

    Michaela: Oh, I see... so... nothing at all for me on this one, then?

    Debbie: Give me another second, darling...

    [A minute later]

    Debbie: Hi, Michaela... I've had a word with Cubby. Would you settle for a complimentary ticket to Ascot?

    Michaela: Well, I...

    Debbie: Take it, dear, that's all you'll ever get from him!

    [Michaela sighs wistfully.]

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    Nope, not done before! 😁😁😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    AJB interview with Debbie McWilliams-

    AJB Interview with Debbie McWilliams — ajb007

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    Q: 'Evening, squire!

    Bond: (Stiffly.) Good evening.

    Q: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

    Bond: I, uh, I beg your pardon?

    Q: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?

    Bond: (Flustered.) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes.

    Q: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?

    Bond: (Confused.) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

    Q: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

    Bond: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?

    Q: SELLING! Very good, very good! Eh? Eh? Eh? (Pause.) Oooh! You’re wicked , eh! Wicked! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!

    Bond: Well, I, uh....

    (He gets up to go.)

    Q: 007?

    Bond: (Light dawning.) Yes?

    Q: I’m your new quartermaster. And I know you haven't got a wife.

    (Bond sighs and sits down again.)

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,637Chief of Staff

    Excellent mashup 🤣

    YNWA 97
    Currently Head of Station C: Canada 🇨🇦
  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,394MI6 Agent

    so is that the new password instead of "may I borrow a match?"

    I'm afraid too many people already know it, its not secure

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff
    edited April 19

    Thanks, guys. 🙂

    Dame Judi Dench has mentioned, more than once, that whilst being interviewed she’s happy to talk about Shakespeare plays, Oscars, her title, etc, but all they want to ask her about is James Bond…..

    2017. The home of Dame Judi Dench. She is being interviewed for a newspaper.

    Interviewer: Shall we begin, Dame Judi?

    Dame Judi: By all means.

    Interviewer: So, you’ve had a spectacular career- leading roles on stage, success in Shakespearian plays, in films-

    Dame Judi: And I was M in many James Bond films.

    Interviewer: Yes, of course. Now, you won an Oscar for-

    Dame Judi: Eight James Bond films, to be exact.

    Interviewer: Yes, and your Oscar was-

    Dame Judi: Well, seven really plus a cameo in one.

    Interviewer: In “Shakespeare In Love”, you played-

    Dame Judi: Well, I enjoyed the lines they gave me, I very much enjoyed that.

    Interviewer: The lines?

    Dame Judi: Oh yes, wonderful lines.

    Interviewer: Well of course, Tom Stoppard wrote it so they would be wonderful lines.

    Dame Judi: No, he didn’t.

    Interviewer: Yes, he wrote “Shakespeare In Love”.

    Dame Judi: But he didn’t write “Goldeneye”- I had this line about James Bond being a sexist, misogynistic dinosaur. I really enjoyed saying that!

    Interviewer: If we could just get back to-

    Dame Judi: Oh, and I had a magnificent death scene.

    Interviewer: Well, of course, there are many death scenes in Shakespeare.

    Dame Judi: No, no, in “Skyfall”!

    Interviewer: (Confused.) “Skyfall”?

    Dame Judi: Yes, I die near the end of that one. I thought it was a terrific scene!

    Interviewer: (Desperately trying to get back on topic.) Now, you’ve also done some television.

    Dame Judi: Yes, have you seen “As Time Goes By”?

    Interviewer: Yes, that was very good. Geoffrey Palmer was your husband in that, wasn’t he?

    Dame Judi: Yes, and he was Admiral Roebuck in “Tomorrow Never Dies”. We had a great time being adversaries in that one!

    Interviewer: Now, Dame Judi, if we could just talk about-

    (Dame Judi’s phone alarm rings. It plays, of course, the “James Bond Theme”.)

    Dame Judi: Sorry- time’s up!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    1964. Enterprises Auric, Switzerland. The telephone rings.

    Kisch: Hello? …. I’ll see. Mr Goldfinger?

    (Goldfinger is in intense discussion with Mr Ling. He turns, irritated.)

    Goldfinger: Yes, Kisch?

    Kisch: Call for you. They say it’s important.

    (Goldfinger takes the phone.)

    Goldfinger: Hello? …. Yes, this is him … Ah hello, Mr Whiting, how are things at the golf club? … Oh? Problems, you say? … A squashed golf ball …. On the main drive to the front door… Yes, it is very strange …. No, I have no idea how that would have happened- perhaps a car ran over it? …. Well, a truck then … If that is all, Mr Whiting? …. Oh, there’s more? … One of the statues has lost its head? …. Have you instigated a search? … Oh, I see …. And one of the arms is about to fall off … I suggest you get some glue and stick it back together! …. No, I have to go, I’m very busy.

    (He hangs up.)

    Goldfinger: Kisch, if that man rings again just tell him I’m busy.

    Kisch: Yes, Mr Goldfinger.

    Goldfinger: Now…

    (He walks through a nearby door. His voice can still be heard.)

    Goldfinger: Good evening, Double-O Seven.

    Bond: My name is James Bond.

    Goldfinger: And members of your curious profession… (His voice fades.)

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 4,762MI6 Agent

    Having seen NTTD, at last, I’ve also caught up the imaginary conversations on previous pages - good stuff, everyone 😁😂👍🏻

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    Thank you, CHB! 😊

     I’m pleased to say that this was written by Bride Of Barbel.

    2019. A knitting and sewing club.

    Chair: ….and that was another wonderful sweater from Melanie. I’m sure we’d all like to thank her.

    (A round of applause.)

    Melanie: Thank you, thank you very much.

    Chair: I’m sure it will be considered for the cup. And now it’s time for Monique.

    (A sigh of impatience from the room.)

    Monique: Thank you, Madame Chair.

    Voice from the back: What have you got for us this time, Monique? Another teddy bear?


    Chair: Quiet! Let’s hear her.

    Monique: No, this is… well, you decide!

    (She produces a cuddly toy.)

    Voice: It IS a teddy bear!

    Second Voice: No, it’s a rabbit!

    Third Voice: It’s a baby piglet!

    Monique: It doesn’t matter what it is as long as a child loves it.

    Chair: And I’m sure some child somewhere will love it. Now, next we have Natalie….

    A street market. Monique stands behind her stall. It’s nearly the end of the day, and she has sold no more than one pair of gloves, despite the many items she has available. With a sigh, she begins to pack up as a woman approaches.

    Monique: Good afternoon, can I help you?

    Woman: Yeah, what is this little cuddly toy here? It’s really cute!

    Monique: It’s whatever a loving child wants it to be.

    Woman: I’ll take it!

    Monique: But you haven’t asked how much I want for it.

    Woman: I know that, but I’m still taking it.

    (The woman gives Monique a large bundle of notes, much to Monique’s pleasure, and goes back to rejoin the rest of her party. An elderly man with a beard stares at her purchase.)

    Elderly Man: What on earth do you want with that?

    Woman: I have an idea.

    Elderly Man: Really, Barbara, you and your ideas….

    (The voices fade as they walk off.)

    2021. The knitting and sewing club.

    Chair: ...and thanks again, Melanie. Lovely sweater. Now, we have something unusual next. Monique has asked me to play this video to you.

    (She starts the video. Monique can be seen lying on a yacht, somewhere off Rio de Janeiro.)

    Monique: (On video.) Good evening ladies. If any of you are wondering how I got here, may I suggest you watch the latest James Bond film and think of how many orders I’ve been getting since. And remember- it doesn’t matter if it’s a teddy bear, a rabbit, or a piglet- some producer will love it!

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,637Chief of Staff

     I’m pleased to say that this was written by Bride Of Barbel.

    And now we know where the real talent lies 👏🏻😁

    YNWA 97
    Currently Head of Station C: Canada 🇨🇦
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    Oh, yes indeed. 😊 I think my brain is now tired out again and needs a fallow period to recover.

  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,925MI6 Agent

    If you can still use words like fallow you don't require any down time.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    I had a good time in the Lake District, and am back feeling refreshed!

    1964. The boardroom of Corgi Toys.

    Chair: ….and that, I think, concludes our agenda. Now, the Director of Research would like to address us.

    Research: Thank you, Mr Chairman. I won’t keep you for more than an hour or so if you give me your undivided attention. While our regular products are doing well, I believe that there is an avenue which will bear very profitable fruit for us for many years to come.

    Marketing: And what might that be?

    Research: Ah, this overlaps with your department. We could and should attempt to tie in with profitable trends with our products.

    Chair: Mm-hmm. All that you say could be true. What else?

    Research: There is one popular trend at this moment. One very popular British trend.

    Marketing: The Beatles!

    Research: Ah…. All right, The Beatles. Then perhaps I should say there are two popular trends, and both are British. The other one, however, is James Bond.

    Chair: That name’s come up before.

    Research: Indeed, and this time there is a very distinctive car to go with it. I speak, gentlemen, of the Aston Martin DB5 which James Bond drives in his latest film, “Goldfinger”.

    Marketing: All right, so we make a model Aston Martin. Seems straightforward enough.

    Research: It’s not quite that simple. I’ve taken the liberty of having a sample made- here, have a look.

    (He produces a model of an Aston Martin DB5 and places it on the table in front of the board members.)

    Chair: Interesting.

    Supplies: This is gold, though- I’m sure the one in the film is silver.

    Research: Yes, that’s true but we felt the prototypes looked unpainted so we changed it to gold. It ties in with the film “Goldfinger”, as well.

    Marketing: You said earlier that it wasn’t just a simple model. What did you mean by that?

    Research: I’d been hoping someone would ask me that. Press on the exhaust pipe you see at the rear.

    (The Marketing Director does so, and is surprised to see a small piece of metal jump up from below the car’s rear window.)

    Marketing: Oh! That gave me a start! What is it?

    Research: It’s a bullet-proof shield.

    Marketing: Bullet-proof shield? How are the children supposed to know that?

    Research: Trust me, they’ll know. And we will mention it in the packaging.

    Supplies: That’s a neat little trick.

    Research: Oh, we’re not finished. Can you see this little trigger behind the left front wheel?

    Supplies: Yes….?

    Research: Give it a little push.

    (The Supplies Director does so, and notices a change at the front of the car.)

    Supplies: Is that meant to happen?

    Research: Oh yes. Those are machine guns, as seen in the film, and extendible bumpers, which aren’t seen, unfortunately.

    Marketing: This is genius, my friend, I have to hand it to you.

    Research: There’s one more thing to tell you. Now, you see this second, bigger, trigger on the left side?

    Marketing: Yes, I see it.

    Research: Whatever you do, don’t touch it.

    Marketing: And why not?

    Research: Because you'll release this section of the roof and engage and fire the passenger ejector seat.

    Chair: Ejector seat? You’re joking!

    Research: I never joke about my work, Mr Chairman.

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,394MI6 Agent

    I still have mine though its silver not gold. and I used to have the similar Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car but stupidly lost it somewhere along the way

    the ejector seat was dangerous because the little humanoid that shot out could easily disappear under a chair or down a heating vent

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,447Chief of Staff

    Me too- I have the original gold one, and in the box.

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