Imaginary Conversations

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  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    He's back!

    By demand all the way from Minnesota to England (though not Norway or Scotland) Boris returns as Bond in


    DR. FIB

    FROM RUSSIA WITH LIES

    YOU ONLY LIE TWICE

    LIEMONDS ARE FOREVER

    THE MAN WITH THE SILVER TONGUE

    THE SPY WHO LIED TO ME

    FIBRAKER

    A VIEW TO A FIB

    LIECENCE TO KILL

    THE LIES ARE NOT ENOUGH

    And of course everyone's favourite

    THUNDERBOLLOX ("What sharp little lies you've got")


    Barbel denies all knowledge of the atrocious puns above. Well, most of them, anyhow.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,632MI6 Agent

    I think you should grab that idea and run with it!

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,009MI6 Agent
    edited January 6

    Interior: SPECTRE Headquarters

    Blofeld enters his office carrying Sniffles, his white cat. He walks over to his desk, sets Sniffles down, and opens up his laptop. After trying a few times to access his VPN, he's finally successful. After looking at the clock on the wall, he puts on a set of earbuds, takes off his KN95 mask, and dials in on the virtual meeting...


    Beep

    ('WhiteCat...has joined the meeting.')

    Blofeld: 'Anyone else on the call?'

    (silence)

    Beep

    ('BlackLotus...has joined the meeting.')

    Drax: 'Hello...can you hear me?'

    Blofeld: 'Hi Hugo, yes...I can...'

    Drax: 'Can you hear me? Hello?'

    Blofeld: 'I can hear you, Drax. Can you he...'

    Drax: 'I'm going to try again.'

    Beep

    ('BlackLotus...has left the meeting.')

    Beep

    ('WebbedFingers4U...has joined the meeting.')

    Stromberg: 'Good morning.'

    Blofeld: 'Good morning yourself, Mr. Stromberg.'

    Beep

    ('BlackLotus...has joined the meeting.')

    Drax: 'Can you hear me now?'

    Stromberg: 'Ah, Hugo. Yes, we can...'

    Drax: 'HELLO???? Can you hear me?'

    Stromberg: 'Hugo, yes. We can hear you.'

    Blofeld: 'It's on his end. He tried before and...'

    Drax: 'HELLO!!!! This is infuriating, the connectivity down here in South America is definitely not up to standards. Hold on, let me try again...'

    Beep

    ('BlackLotus...has left the meeting.')

    Blofeld: 'I have a strong connection here myself.'

    Stromberg: 'Yes, you sound nice and clear. I have a strong connection as well. I surfaced Atlantis to make sure I would not have any issues.'

    Blofeld: 'A wise decision.'

    Stromberg: 'Hold on a moment...going on mute. (pause) Well go and get her then. Yes, now. Get her. Right...'

    Blofeld: 'Stromberg! You're not on mute! YOU'RE NOT MUTED!!!'

    Stromberg: '...and make sure she takes that elevator, OK?'

    Beep

    ('KeyLargo...has joined the meeting.')

    Largo: 'Hi, sorry I'm late.'

    Stromberg: 'No, THAT elevator over there.'

    Largo: 'My God, man. Is that Stromberg yelling?'

    Blofeld: 'Yes, he thinks he's muted. STROMBERG!!!!'

    Beep

    ('PokerGod...has joined the meeting.')

    Le Chiffre: 'Gentlemen, I'm here.'

    Stromberg: 'Right...THAT elevator.'

    Le Chiffre: 'Oh God, Stromberg again?'

    Blofeld: 'Yep.'

    Le Chiffre: 'He never can use that mute button right.'

    Beep

    ('BlackLotus...has joined the meeting.')

    Drax: 'HELLO!!!!??? Is this working now?'

    Blofeld: 'Hugo! We can hear you. Can you hear...'

    Drax: 'HELLO!!!!???'

    Largo: 'Oh God, who invited Drax to this?'


    Blofeld taps a button on his laptop keyboard. Instantly, there's a ZAPPING sound coming through everyone's headsets. Drax goes silent.


    Blofeld: 'That takes care of Hugo. We'll find a suitable replacement later. Now, to business.'

    Beep

    ('BigBigBig...has joined the meeting.')

    Mr. Big: 'Sorry I'm late.'

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has joined the meeting.')

    Blofeld: 'Auric, I assume that's you?'

    (silence)

    Blofeld: 'Auric?'

    (silence)

    Largo: 'He may be on mute.'

    Blofeld: 'Well, let's get started.

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has left the meeting.')

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has joined the meeting.')

    Blofeld: 'Auric, are you...')

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has left the meeting.')

    Stromberg: 'Right, in that elevator.'

    Largo: 'Can we please mute Stromberg already?'

    Blofeld: 'Agreed.'


    Blofeld taps a button on his laptop.


    Blofeld: 'Now, first of all...'

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has joined the meeting')

    Goldfinger: 'Sorry about that. The wifi here is not reliable.'

    (there are sounds of other people in the background)

    Blofeld: 'Auric...are you in a Starbucks?'

    Goldfinger: 'Yes. Is that a problem?'

    Barista (in the background): 'I've got a mobile order for Steve! Steve!'

    Blofeld: 'You're using a public wifi, Auric. Those are not secure!'

    Goldfinger: 'Hold on, could you repeat that?'

    Blofeld: 'I said you're using a public...'

    Barista (in the background): 'I've got a mobile order for Pradeep! Pradeep! Here's your cold brew with 3 pumps of caramel syrup and a splash of coconut milk.'

    Blofeld: 'Enough!'


    Blofeld taps another button on his laptop. The sound of a power surge can be heard through everyone's headsets.


    Goldfinger: 'AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!'

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has left the meeting')

    Largo: 'Please tell me you didn't blow up that Starbucks!'

    Blofeld: 'Of course I did.'

    Largo: 'Didn't you hear? Pradeep was there!'

    Mr. Big: 'Oh man, yeah. My man Pradeep. I was working with him on a deal for a shark tank.'

    Le Chiffre: 'I had a conference call scheduled with him next week!'

    Blofeld: 'ENOUGH!!! We must get down to business.'

    Beep

    ('CrabKey...is in the lobby.')

    Blofeld: 'Can somebody admit No, please?'

    Largo: 'I just did. It says something went wrong.'

    Beep

    ('CrabKey...is in the lobby.')

    Mr. Big: 'I'll try. Nope, it rejected him.'

    Beep

    ('CrabKey...is in the lobby.')

    Mr. Big: 'Hold on, I'm going to ping him on Slack.'

    Le Chiffre: 'I bet he's having an issue with the meeting code.'

    Mr. Big: 'That's exactly what he just said. Apparently the virtual meeting isn't accepting his code.'

    Blofeld: 'Tell him to dial in on his phone.'

    Mr. Big: 'You got it, Jack.'

    Beep

    ('Unknown Caller...has joined the meeting')

    Blofeld: 'Is that you, No?'

    Dr. No: 'Yes.'

    Beep

    (WhiteCat...has left the meeting')


    Blofeld looks down at his laptop. 'Your laptop will restart in 30 seconds. Please save any open work now to avoid any data loss.'


    Blofeld: 'Bloody COVID.'

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    😁😁😁 That's a totally different look at things!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,632MI6 Agent

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    That's brillant!

    

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff


    A street in London. Bond drives his car.


    Bond: Hmm, I’m home so seldom that I can never remember which one is mine... Perhaps this one? It does look familiar.

    (Bond parks his car and goes to a door marked "221B". A man with a moustache, carrying an old-fashioned doctor's bag, answers the door.)

    Man: Yes?

    Bond: I’m sorry, I thought that this was my house.

    Man: No, I think that you’re-

    2nd Man: Let me see, Watson.

    (The first man groans slightly as a tall thin man smoking a pipe walks forward.)

    2nd Man: I see from your clothing that you were once a sailor, but now work for, shall we say, an unspecified department in the Ministry of Defence. And your father was a Scot and your mother Swiss. Your car has been modified in unusual ways- an ejector seat, for example- and under your left arm is a holster holding a firearm, most probably made by the Walther company.

    Bond: That’s true, but at the moment I’m looking for-

    2nd Man: For breakfast you had scrambled eggs, and last night you had rather too many martinis, shaken but not stirred. Furthermore, you were with a woman in her early twenties with long red hair, an unusually long tongue, missing one of her stockings, about five foot five inches, with loose morals and a father complex. She enjoyed taking your-

    Watson: Enough, Holmes. This man is merely seeking his house.

    Holmes: Oh, right. Take the first on the right, then second left.

    Bond: Thank you.

    (Bond heads back to his car.)

    Watson: (Voice fading as Bond leaves.) Really, Holmes, I wish you wouldn't do that.

  • Quentin QuigleyQuentin Quigley Terminal One, Hamburg AirportPosts: 1,054MI6 Agent
    edited January 8

    Here are a couple of mine from 2020:



    Always have an escape plan. Mine is watching James Bond films.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    😂😂😂 love the second one!

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,585MI6 Agent
    edited January 9

    Loving all these, including the Boris Johnson ones!

    🤣🤣🤣

    Let's not forget that the young Johnson is reported to have said he aspired to become "world king". That sounds to me more like the next supervillain than the next Bond!


    Mister Bond:

    Our House of Commons front benches are full of people who think they're Napoleon... or God. Or Churchill... or World King...


    Mister Speaker:

    Order! Order!


    Mister Bond:

    There's a useful four letter word, Mister Speaker... and the Right Honourable Member for Uxbridge and South Ruislip is full of it!


    World King:

    Come, come, Mister Speaker! The Right Honourable Member for Universal Exports enjoyed voting Leave as much as I did... so why doesn't he admit it?


    Mister Speaker:

    Order! ORDER!


    Everybody:

    Don't concern yourself with the pilot... one of our less useful Prime Ministers!

    World King:

    I'll buy you an oven-ready Brexit deal... in stainless steel!

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,632MI6 Agent
    edited January 8


    As far as I know no Norwegians mind Boris jokes. In fact I know for certain one who very much enjoys Coke Zero and Bond (but not necceserily in that order, who laughs at them. I'm just puzzled why this forum accept jokes about BoJo being dishonest, but not jokes about the patron saint of lies accross the pond?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    I've sent a PM.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    2021 (Eventually). Madeleine’s place. Mathilde enters the bedroom to find Madeleine and James in bed together.


    Mathilde: (Wide eyed.) J’ai faim.

    James: Oh right. Of course.

    (He gets out of bed and starts toward the kitchen.)

    James: Let’s see what we can do about that.

    Mathilde: Okay.

    (She takes his hand as they walk. James at first looks uncomfortable, then starts to smile as they enter the kitchen.)

    James: Right, let’s see…. bacon?

    (Mathilde smiles as he opens the fridge.)

    James: Ah… Perhaps not. Eggs! I know a very good recipe for scrambled eggs. I... er... read it in a book once.

    (He looks around in vain for eggs. Mathilde giggles.)

    James: Well, not eggs then. Cornflakes?

    (He opens a cupboard.)

    James: Ah…

    (Madeleine enters the kitchen.)

    Madeleine: Having a problem, James?

    James: No, I….

    Madeleine: We’re vegans. Give her an apple.

    James: An apple. Of course.

    (He produces a knife and begins to peel the apple...)


    (Father and grandfather of vegans Barbel)

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,585MI6 Agent

    🙂🙂🙂

    Those dietary requirements are a shame because, as any fan of AVTAK will know, Bond can whip up a mean quiche!

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    1983. The household of Edward Fox.


    Mrs Fox: Another cup of tea, Edward?

    Fox: Oh, by all means, my dear.

    Mrs Fox: It’s nice to have you back home from India.

    Fox: It’s nice to be back home. Still, it was worth being in that “Gandhi” film.

    (The telephone rings.)

    Mrs Fox: I’ll get it, darling.

    (Answers phone.)

    Mrs Fox: Hello? ….Yes, this is the Fox home…. Well, he’s not long back home, I don’t know if he’ll want to do another film already…. Of course, I’ll ask him, hold on.

    Fox: What is it, my love?

    Mrs Fox: It’s your agent. You’ve been asked to play “M” in the new James Bond film.

    Fox: What? M? Oh yes of course, dear Bernard Lee has died. Tell him yes, I’d be delighted. Usual rates.

    Mrs Fox: (On phone.) He says yes, he’ll be delighted…. Hold on… He wants to know if you want any more details, like where to go for shooting.

    Fox: Details? Oh no, I’m sure that everything will be all right. They always film at Pinewood, I can get there easily.

    Mrs Fox: You’ll be working with Sean Connery.

    Fox: Of course, Sean and I know each other from “A Bridge Too Far”.


    (Two weeks later, at the gates of Pinewood Studios. Edward Fox drives up.)

    Fox: Good morning, my good man.

    Guard: (Recognising him.) Good morning, Mr Fox, what can I do for you?

    Fox: I’m in the new Bond film.

    Guard: (Flicking through paperwork.) I don’t see your name here… but of course I know who you are. Park your car over there then go in through the double doors.

    (Fox does that and walks in. He finds his way to the set for M’s office.)

    Fox: This will be the place. Now…

    (The door opens and Cubby Broccoli enters with Robert Brown.)

    Broccoli: … and here is the office where you will be meeting 007 and- Edward Fox??? What are you doing here?

    Fox: I’m the new M. I was told to report here.

    Brown: What??? What??? I haven’t even done one scene yet and you’re replacing me, Cubby? What’s going on here?

    Broccoli: I don’t know, yet.

    (Roger Moore enters.)

    Moore: Everything all right, chaps?

    Fox: Roger Moore? What are you doing here?

    Moore: Me? I’m Bond- James Bond.

    Fox: I was told I’d be working with Sean Connery!

    Broccoli: (Light dawning.) I think I see what’s happened here. Edward, you should be at Elstree Studios, not Pinewood.

    Fox: What?

    Broccoli: (Through gritted teeth.) There’s, er, another Bond film being shot there.

    (Fox pulls some paperwork which he hasn’t previously examined out of his pocket.)

    Fox: Ah…. You appear to be correct. My apologies, gentlemen.

    (Fox makes for the door as Robert Brown’s heart rate slows perceptibly.)

    Broccoli: No problem.

    Moore: Say hello to Sean from us.

    (Broccoli growls.)

    Moore: All right, say hello from me, then.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    2018 or so. Eon HQ, in a chalet in Norway. Christoph Waltz meets with Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli.


    MGW: Glad you could make it, Christoph.

    Christoph: Glad to be here, Michael.

    BB: Now, as you know we’re getting around to making the next James Bond movie.

    Christoph: Yes, I was expecting that.

    MGW: And we’d like you to return as Blofeld.

    Christoph: I thought there was a reason you didn’t kill him off at the end of the last one.

    BB: Indeed. We’re thinking about making the next one end close to the ending of Fleming’s “You Only Live Twice”.

    Christoph: Excellent! I’ve read that book. Will you have the garden of death?

    MGW: Well, we’re calling it the “poison garden” but you’re close enough.

    Chirstoph: And it’s in Japan?

    BB: Well, an island off Japan.

    Christoph: Close enough. I’m looking forward to playing Blofeld as quite mad, wearing a Japanese outfit, trying to kill Bond with a Japanese sword.

    MGW: Ah…

    BB: Well…

    Christoph: What? What’s the problem?

    MGW: Christoph, there’ll be a new younger villain on the island. Blofeld has one scene in the prison he ended up in at the end of the last movie.

    Christoph: What???

    BB: (Quickly.) But it’s a good scene, Christoph- you get some great dialogue before Bond kills you.

    Christoph: Excuse me?

    MGW: You die in the prison scene.

    Christoph: I get one scene during which I die?

    BB: Yes, that’s it.

    Christoph: Well, I don’t know…

    MGW: If you take the trouble to examine your contract, you’ll notice that you’re committed to do any sequel we come up with.

    Christoph: You inglourious basterds!

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,009MI6 Agent
    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,632MI6 Agent
    edited January 22
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    Spotted recently in the "Situations Vacant" column.


  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,632MI6 Agent

    The requirements are rough to meet, but I suspect there'll be many aplicants regardless. I even think one important skill or ability: every attractive woman who sees will be seduced by him.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    1987. The fair in Vienna. At the end of the night, two of the workers are having a drink.


    Claus: Prost, Hans.

    Hans: Prost, Claus.

    (They drink.)

    Claus: So, how was your day?

    Hans: Awful, simply terrible.

    Claus: How so?

    Hans: Some guy, I think he was English- black suit, bow tie- was at my shooting gallery with a beautiful blonde woman. He must have been a marksman, he hit all the targets. Won all the prizes. I had to ask him to stop!

    Claus: Wow!

    Hans: I had to give him the big yellow elephant!

    Claus: Ah well, I must say my day was much worse than yours. We had the most terrible accident in my coffee shop.

    Hans: What happened?

    Claus: Something went horrifically wrong with the glass door- a man was killed when it slammed shut on him.

    Hans: Nein!

    Claus: Ja, and I think he was English too. Oddly enough, he was wearing a black suit with a bow tie, as well. In no time we were surrounded by police and embassy officials. The shop is closed and I don’t know when we can open again.

    Hans: Dreadful! I think I’d better buy you another drink.

    (They are joined by another man.)

    Hans/Claus: Hello, Peter.

    Peter: Hi, boys- drinks are on me!

    Hans: What? Peter, you never buy the drinks!

    Peter: Today I’m feeling generous. Some guy paid me 100 marks to make sure the big wheel stopped while he was at the top with a beautiful blonde lady.

    Claus: Some guy?

    Peter: Ja, I think he was English- black suit, bow tie. The lady was holding a big yellow elephant, just like the ones you, Hans, give away at your shooting gallery… why are you staring at me?

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 4,597MI6 Agent

    Excellent, Barbel, I particularly liked the situations vacant advertisement 😂

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    Thanks, CHB. 😃

  • The Red KindThe Red Kind EnglandPosts: 2,485MI6 Agent

    Great stuff Barbel. I can actually see them having that conversation!😄

    "Any of the opposition around..?"
  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,009MI6 Agent

    'He had a permanent scowl too.'

    'Yeah, I noticed that. It didn't look like he was having a good time at all, even with the beautiful lady on his arm.'

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    Much appreciated, TRK. 😃


    Hey Gymkata, been hanging about with Higgins? Say hello from me!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff


    A few years ago, some of us began to wonder what James Bond would have been like if Shakespeare had been writing his stories. To cut a long story short, we did a Shakespearean version of all the films then carried on writing our own. You can find these here easily enough.

    This is one of them, minus the Shakespeare. The original writers were Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous, Number24 and myself.

    M’s office. James Bond enters.


    M: Over here, 007. Sit down.

    Bond: (Looking around, puzzled.) Morning, sir, but... where is Miss Moneypenny? I was looking forward to some witty and not at all sexist banter before reporting to you.

    M: Moneypenny has chosen to work from home at this time.

    Bond: Working from home?

    M: Indeed, and that is what I want to see you about. I have decided that you should do the same for the foreseeable future.

    Bond: What? Me work from home?

    M: That’s what I said. I shall arrange for a number of willing young ladies, at least one seemingly unbeatable henchman, and Q’s gadgets to be delivered to your address..

    Bond: But, sir....

    M: Oh, and of course a large supply of alcohol, but you will have to shake and not stir it yourself.

    Bond: Of course, sir, if that’s what you want. I shall get to work straight away!

    (Bond arrives at his place.)

    Bond: Ah, here we are.

    (He enters to a very bare apartment, containing only a bed and a bar.)

    Bond: Home sweet home. I hardly ever live at home- sleeping there happens even more seldom.

    (He kicks off his shoes, removes his jacket and heads to the bar.)

    Bond: Now, let me see...? Oh yes- Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of-

    (There is a knock at the door.)

    Bond: (Aside.) Time for me to display my finely honed secret agent methods. (Aloud.) Who’s there?

    Voice: Snow White.

    Bond: With or without the dwarves?

    Voice: Without.

    (Bond opens the door, to reveal...)

    Bond: Felix!

    Felix: Hello, James.

    Bond: Normally, I wouldst embrace you warmly-

    Felix: (Ruefully.) Or punch me in my stomach.

    Bond: -but not these days. Let’s do the new greeting!

    Felix: But of course.

    (Awkwardly they bump elbows. Then heels, followed by a knee bump and a medium headbutt.)

    Bond: And what brings you here?

    Felix: Ah, a matter of importance concerning a missing scientist. I need you to join me and leave immediately.

    Bond: Unfortunately, M has ordered me to work from home until he says otherwise.

    Felix: Surely you’re not serious?

    Bond: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.

    Felix: Then I’ll have to go alone- farewell, James, I hope to see you soon.

    (Felix makes his leave. Bond returns to the bar.)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    Part 2

    Bond: Now, where was I...? Oh yes- Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of-

    (There is another knock on the door.)

    Bond: Oh, blast!

    (Bond opens the door to find a figure with a mask covering the lower half of its face.)

    Bond: Yes?

    Figure: Mmmf knff ummf tmm thkkk.

    Bond: What?

    (The figure pulls down its facemask.)

    Bill Tanner: Hello, 007, it’s me.

    Bond: Tanner! What brings you here?

    Tanner: Q sent me with this parcel. (Hands a parcel over.)

    Bond: Ah, my new gun, no doubt.

    Tanner: He has begun using a new word, which I’ve never heard before- "contagious". Could you explain that?

    Bond: Well, this a new scientific word which means how a virus can spread across our realm.

    Tanner: Most interesting... could you use the term " contagious " in a sentence for me?

    Bond: Well, I did ask Q for this new gun and to comply with my request it took the "contagious"!

    Tanner: Huh? Kva? Brukar me engelsk? Please explain it to me ….

    Bond: (Impatiently.) It took the cu-

    Tanner: Ah! I get it now, no need to tell me 24 times.

    Bond: Also I'd like to point out it's a very, very, very old joke. 

    Tanner: Well, it’s new to me. Now, 007, I had best be on my way.

    (Tanner makes his leave. Bond returns to the bar, again.)

    Bond: I'll get this drink yet. Now, six measures of-


    (There is yet another knock at the door.)

    Bond: Who is it this time?

    (Bond opens the door. An elderly lady appears and curtsies.)

    Elderly Lady: Good morrow, s'.

    Bond: Why, May, my elderly Scottish treasure! It’s good to see you finally appear in a story. Have you come to prepare me a nice breakfast, scrambled eggs from French Marans hens perhaps?

    May: No, Mr James. I have come for my package- perhaps it was delivered earlier in this scene?

    (Bond scrolls upward and checks.)

    Bond: Yes, May, a parcel was delivered but I believe it’s from a colleague of mine. What are you waiting for?

    (May seems somewhat crestfallen.)

    May: A package from Amazon. It carries some tatties and neeps. A haggis. Some Mars bars in batter. And some alcohol for double-cleaning the hands after washing. They’d ran out of rolls of paper for the toile-

    Bond: Alcohol you say? Kina Lillet? When finally, I can enjoy the Vesper I have been attempting to make all this scene, I'd like it dry.

    May: I'm afraid not, s'.

    (Bond sighs.)

    Bond: It seems then, this is no time for dry.

    May: Since I am here s', I might as well clean the place up and make you some food?

    Bond: Why, of course May.

    May: I’ll start in the kitchen.

    Bond: (Puzzled.) Kitchen? I didn’t know we did have a kitchen! I know where the bed is and the bar, but… kitchen?

    May: (Long suffering.) In the same place it has always been, s'. Perhaps I should make a small fry up?

    Bond: No, May, this is no time to fry.

    (Bond’s phone bleeps.)

    Bond: A message from M- he says... "I thought I told you to stop doing that."

    (Bond sighs loudly... )

    May: No time to sigh, s' .... no comfort in a sigh.

    Bond: Care to put that in a song?

    May: I am not Shirley! Or even Billie Eilish.

    Bond: We shall just have to survive.

    May: I shalt get to work in the kitchen- through that door there.

    (May goes through the door.)

    Bond: Oh, is that what that door is for?

    (After a few moments May returns and hands Bond a cup.)

    May: Here, s’, some coffee while you wait.

    Bond: Thanks, May.

    (May returns to the kitchen. Bond takes a sip of the coffee then spits it out in confusion and horror.)

    Bond: Sugar??? All these years May’s been making me coffee and she hands me one full of sugar???

    (He goes into the kitchen to find two thugs, one with May in a neckhold.)

    1st Thug: Take care, Mr Bond.

    Bond: You had better hope that you haven’t hurt May!

    2nd Thug: Oh? And what do you propose to do about it?

    Bond: This.

    (Like lightning Bond reaches for one of May's patented eggs, hard-boiled for thirty-five minutes exactly, and unerringly throws it into the First Thug's face. Writhing in agony, the First Thug lets go of May as the Second Thug makes to stab Bond who expertly dodges his thrust and goes to pull his gun. It is stuck, and he struggles to draw it free from the holster...)

    Bond: Oh, shi-

    (May kicks out at the First Thug's legs, sending him to the floor. Instantly, she leaps into the air and, seemingly in slow motion, thrusts both feet into the Second Thug's chest causing him to crash into the wall, dazed. She then picks up a pot and smashes it into the First Thug's skull rendering him unconsc... uncon.. knocked out.)

    Bond: May! Have you had any special combat training?

    May: No, I just do a little bouncer work at the weekends. And I used to be housekeeper to Liam Gallagher, this was a regular occurrence most weekends.

    Bond: Now, where’s my phone? Ah, here it is.

    (He begins to type a message.)

    May: What are you doing, s’?

    Bond: I’ve asked my boss to send some men round to pick up these thugs. Now that I know where the kitchen is, I don’t want to step over them every time I go in there.

    May: Hmm, I doubt if that will be often.

    Bond: Now, I do believe it is most definitely time for a drink! Three measures of-

    (There is a knock on the door.)

    Bond: That was fast!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    Part 3

    (He opens the door to find a beautiful young lady, accompanied by four of M's men.)

    Young Lady: Good evening, 007, we’ve been sent by M.

    Bond: And very quickly, too.

    Young Lady: We have received your message- this team will take those two away for questioning.

    Bond: Most efficient.

    (The thugs are dragged away.)

    May: I think I shall go as well, s', all this excitement is just too much for me.

    Bond: But of course. Thank you, May.

    (May exits.)

    Young Lady: I thought I should stay, in case you need help finding the... stationery.

    May: (Walking away.) Stationery? He cannot even find the kitchen!

    Young Lady: Whatever does she mean, 007?

    Bond: Oh please call me James.

    Young Lady: Of course... James. And I am Diane.

    Bond: Diane what?

    Diane: Otherday.

    Bond: (Aghast.) Diane Otherday???

    Diane: Yes, but please do not hold it against me.

    Bond: That was not what I was thinking of holding against you...

    Diane: That’s a very handsome watch you’re wearing.

    Bond: Yes, it was made specially for me by Q- it’s really a CCTV.

    Diane: Really? May I see?

    (Bond shows her the watch.)

    Bond: What can you see?

    Diane: Why... (Reddening.) It shows me in your bed, murmuring "Oh James that was wonderful, do it again"!!!

    Bond: Damn thing's fast again.

    Diane: A bit like you, I think.

    Bond: Those trousers are very tight. How do you get into them?

    Diane: You could start by offering me a drink.

    Bond: But of course- now, here is the gin, here is the vodka-

    (There is a knock on the door.)

    Bond: Not again!!! I'll get that drink yet.


    (He opens the door to find Q, carrying a satchel..)

    Q: Ah, there you are 007. I’m here to equip you for your mission.

    Bond: (Looking longingly at both Diane and the bar.) Most efficient.

    Q: Now pay attention, 007. Behold this most precious of all items! Sought by everyone, all over the world. See how it spins on my finger. Double-quilted, highly absorbent.

    Diane: You don't mean...?

    Bond: It can't be...?

    Q: Yes! A toilet roll!!!

    Diane: Don't suppose you have a packet of pasta as well, Q?

    Bond: Well, since you’re here, Q, would you care for a drink?

    Q: Well, it’s lovely to see you, 007. Lovely. May I have one proleptic digestive enzyme shake?

    Bond: (Shaking his head.) I don’t think I have such a thing. Though I do have a toilet if you want to cut out the middleman.

    Q: Well, what would you suggest?

    Bond: I know just the thing...

    (He turns to the bar.)

    Bond: Now, let me see... Three measures of Gordon's gin, one measure of-

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,325MI6 Agent

    "use Contagious" in a sentence?!!? thatll make folks nostalgic for nice innocent Pussy jokes! speaking of whom, we havent had jokes like that for ages.


    has the new film been properly Shakespeare-imified yet? that thread hasnt been bumped since long before EON's version was finally released.

    I bet Shakespeare couldve written a better death scene, lots more staggering back and forth across the stage and speechifying while the blood gushes. and let the other corpses just pile up instead of disappearing with the scene changes.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,060Chief of Staff

    There's been some talk behind the scenes, but my thought is that it would require too many spoiler notices to be practical.

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