1999. The home of Don Black. Don sits at his desk, a pile of crunched up papers in the bin below him.
Don: It’s no good, I’m getting nowhere with this.
Mrs Black: Just relax, Don, I’m sure you’ll get it- you always do!
Don: I’ve tried everything.
Mrs Black: What is it, anyway?
Don: I’m trying to come up with the lyrics for the new James Bond title song.
Mrs Black: What’s it called?
Don: “The World is Not Enough”.
Mrs Black: That shouldn’t be too difficult.
Don: But it is! The first line of the chorus is the title, and I can’t find the second line.
Mrs Black: Tough? Rough?
Don: No, I’ve tried them, it just sounds corny.
Mrs Black: Cuff? Muff?
Don: Those are silly.
Mrs Black: Never mind, just take a break. Fancy a cup of coffee?
(Don gets up from his desk and walks over to the coffee table.)
Don: I don’t know if that’ll help.
Mrs Black: But it is such a perfect place to start.
Don: (Startled.) What did you say?
Mrs Black: I said, but it is such a perfect place to start.
(Don leaps back to his desk and grabs a pen.)
Don: Thank you, darling!
Danny Boyle has left Bond25 over 'creative differences' - Page 15 — ajb007
2031. A beach in the Bahamas. Daniel Craig strolls along, enjoying the sunshine and happily beachcombing. A figure appears in the distance and gradually draws closer before waving a friendly hand.
Figure: Hello, Daniel.
Craig: Danny? Danny Boyle?
Boyle: Aye, it’s me.
Craig: Well, hello again!
(They shake hands warmly.)
Craig: I haven’t seen you since… well, since…
Boyle: Since the time I walked off “No Time To Die”? Though of course it wasn’t called that then.
Craig: That’s right. How have you been?
Boyle: Oh, I’ve been keeping busy. Listen, a friend of mine put John Hodge and me in touch with a lawyer who used to work for a man called Kevin McClory- you’ll have heard of him, of course?
Craig: Of course. Before my time with Bond. He’s dead now, isn’t he?
Boyle: Oh yes, years ago. Well, anyway, this lawyer reckons that since John and I put some ideas into the Bond project that eventually became “No Time To Die” then we have a very good case for owning some of the rights, to whit we have the rights to make a James Bond film ourselves.
Craig: I don’t think Eon would be very happy about that.
Boyle: As long as we stay within certain limits it would be okay.
Craig: You wouldn’t be able to use the Bond Theme and gunbarrel.
Boyle: That’s okay, we’ll just start with a lot of “007” symbols. And for the music, we’ll hire a respected Oscar-winning composer and tell him to write a really cheesy, terrible score.
Craig: This is starting to sound very familiar….
Boyle: Well, I was thinking that if we got you onboard to play James Bond then our position would be a lot stronger.
Boyle: Aye, you.
Craig: But Danny, I’ve over 60 now.
Boyle: Not a problem- you look fine and we can get stuntmen for the hard bits.
Craig: I’m not sure….
Boyle: And we’ll attempt to bring it out at the same time as Eon’s latest Bond film.
Craig: Like I said, this is sounding very familiar.
Boyle: So, what do you say, Daniel?
Craig: I’m in as long as I can pick the title.
Boyle: What do you have in mind?
Craig: “Never Say I’d Rather Slash My Wrists Again”.
1971. Las Vegas, a police station. An elderly couple sit in the witness room.
Wife: I told you we should just have kept going.
Husband: No, coming here and reporting it was the right thing to do.
Wife: But we’ve been here for hours now and-
(The door opens and Felix Leiter enters, Agent Hamilton close behind him.)
Felix: Hello, there, I’m Agent Leiter and this is Agent Hamilton.
Wife: (Rolling her eyes.) Wonderful, now we’ve got the FBI in on this.
(Felix gives a polite chuckle.)
Felix: No, ma’am, we’re not from the FBI. Now, could you just tell us please in your own words what happened.
Husband: We’ve already told the police!
Felix: I know, sir, but just one more time for me, please, and Agent Hamilton will take it all down.
(Hamilton produces a pad, pen and tape recorder.)
Wife: (Sighs.) Just do it, Jonathan.
Husband: All right. We had left Las Vegas and were on our way home. The first thing that we saw was a red and black car, heading our way real fast. Real fast.
Felix: Did you get the make?
Husband: No, it was moving too fast. Anyway, we carried on a couple of miles and it was there that we saw it.
Felix: Saw what?
Wife: The alien! We saw an alien!
(Hamilton sniggers, and Felix shoots him a look.)
Husband: Quiet, Martha, I’m handling this. Yes, we saw an alien.
Felix: And what did it look like, sir?
Husband: Well, it was real tall, maybe ten feet, and it had one eye on top of its head.
Wife: And claws.
Husband: Yeah, it had claws, like a crab.
Felix: Could you draw it for me, please?
(He hands over pen and paper. The wife begins to draw.)
Felix: Was it walking towards you?
Husband: No, that’s the funny thing. It wasn’t walking- it was on wheels.
(Hamilton makes a choking sound. Felix kicks him under the table.)
Felix: Wheels, you say?
Husband: Yes, and there was another wheel bouncing along behind it, just next to the men.
Felix: Men? What men?
Husband: A bunch of men in green uniforms, light green uniforms.
Felix: They were running away from it?
Husband: No, that’s another strange thing. They weren’t running away from it, they were chasing after it as if they were trying to catch it.
Wife: Well, here’s the best drawing I could do.
(She hands a drawing to Felix.)
Husband: Yes, that’s it. That’s it exactly.
Felix: So what did you do then?
Wife: We turned the car around and headed back to Vegas as fast as we could!
Husband: Then we came to the nearest police station and told them what we saw.
(Felix studies the drawing.)
Felix: Well, I’d like to thank you both for reporting this.
Wife: Do you know what it is?
Felix: No, ma’am, but I gotta strong feeling I know who’s involved and I’ll be having a talk with him very soon.
Husband: So we can go now?
Felix: Yes, sir and ma’am, you can go and thank you very much. Enjoy your journey back to Smalltown.
Felix: Yes, of course.
(The couple head for the door.)
Husband: Do you want to spend another night here in Vegas?
Wife: Lord, no, let’s just get back home- we've never seen an alien there.
That's a twist, Barbel. Very unexpected. Well done.
that Martha and Jonathon, they see aliens everywhere
Thank you very much. Sometimes these ideas take a long time, while sometimes they arrive faster than a speeding bullet.
2012. Miss Moneypenny’s apartment. She is happily listening to the soothing voice of Barry Manilow as she dusts and tidies up when there is a knock on the door. She answers it to reveal her sister, Jane.
Jane: Eve, darling!
(They embrace and kiss. Jane comes in and looks around.)
Jane: How different your place looks!
Eve: Yes, I told you I was having it redecorated.
Jane: Here, I got you a little something.
(She hands over a small parcel.)
Eve: (Opening parcel.) Oh, you shouldn’t have…. Perfume! It’s Calypso!
Jane: Yes, I know that’s your favourite.
Eve: Thank you, Jane. Would you like a drink?
Jane: Yes, please. Oh, I see you’ve got a home bar now.
Eve: It was part of the redecoration.
Jane: Let me see…. Vodka, Gordon’s gin, Kina Lillet…. I might have known.
Eve: Whatever do you mean?
Jane: And a shaker, some ice, lemon… you’ve got all the right ingredients, haven’t you?
Eve: (Totally innocently.) Ingredients for what?
Jane: You know exactly what. (Sighs.) You still haven’t given up hope, have you?
Jane: You’re wanting to bring him back here. Give him some angel cake, mix him a drink, listen to some Barry Manilow, and then….
Eve: (Seeing there’s no point pretending.) Yes, I suppose you’re right. You’re still my guardian angel.
Jane: You’ve been wanting him for how long now? About-
Eve: (Quickly.) Yes, it’s been a long time.
Jane: Don’t you think it’s time to move on?
Eve: Move on? Maybe just a little longer….
Jane: No, now! He’s had his chance, many chances. No final fling. It’s time for you to find someone else to pin your hopes on.
Eve: Well, there’s the new head of Q Branch, he’s rather dishy.
Jane: I think you’re barking up the wrong tree there, Eve.
Eve: I suppose you’re right. But….
Jane: But what?
Eve: I have to go see him tomorrow.
Eve: You know I can’t tell you that.
Jane: Still Her Majesty’s secret servant.
Eve: Anyway, I do have to see him. Let’s see if anything crops up there…..
Apologies if this has already been done, I'm only an occasional visitor to AJB these days, but at work this afternoon as I was drowning Kittens
( It's not part of my work, I just enjoy it ) This idea popped in to my head. I imagine Ronnie Barker as the Eon representative, with Ronnie Corbett
as the Whitehall Mandarin and the beautiful Madeline Smith as the secretary.
A phone rings on an office Desk ..........
" Hello, Chumney-Fumbley-Farcourt-Bonner-Right Here."
" Oh, I only want one person "
" You've got one , I'm Hyphenated "
" You sound it, I'm from Eon productions, to get a few Notes from you about One of your Agent Johnnies ?"
" Oh Yes, Mr James shall we call him, I have the notes here, Much of it redacted of course but it should give you a feel for the man."
" Good Mr Black will be pleased, he'd like to do a really great Theme "
" Very well I shall begin ........ He always runs while others walk ( Wha, wha, wha Wha --- )
" Please Miss Placed-affections put down that trumpet ! There's a time and a place !"
" Typical politician It's OK for you to play with yourself all afternoon"
" Miss Placed-affections, It's By myself and it's Solitaire , now just take some notes "
"Sorry about that now where were we, ... ah yes He always runs while others walk
" So he's always rushing around the office "
" He acts while other men just talk "
" Likes his amateur Dramatics, does he "
"He looks at this world and wants it all "
" Bit of a greedy guts, I got it "
" So he strikes ....... "
" Bit of a left wing Bolshie is he , always complaining in a loud voice. "
" He Thunders and Balls "
" He knows the meaning of success "
" So he's got a Thesaurus then "
" His needs are more, so he gives less "
" Greedy again and doesn't give to charity "
" They call him the winner who takes all "
" Nick name then, bet he doesn't like it "
" And he strikes like........ "
" On strike again, I guess he Thunders and Balls again I suppose "
" Any woman he wants, he'll get "
" Bit of a sexual predator then "
" He will break any heart without regret "
" He must be a nightmare for the office Human Resources "
" His days of asking are all gone "
" A bit rude is he "
" His fight goes on and on and on "
" Bit of an Office Trouble maker "
" But he thinks that the fight is worth it all "
" I'm sure he does, he seems very opinionated "
" So he strikes ...... "
" He didn't go on strike again did he "
" Thunders and balls "
" To anyone who'd listen I'd guess."
" Any of this a help to you "
" Honestly No, I can't see Mr Black being able to string any of this in to a fantastic theme, but I'll pass it on, Thank you "
" Good bye "
Replacing the receiver he looks across to Miss Placed-Affections .....
" It's odd looking at this, Bond went to a good public school. He has had a string of women, he's untrustworthy and takes
No responsibility for his actions !"
" so ?"
" I'm just amazed he's not Prime Minister "
Yes, I can easily see the Two Ronnies doing that! 😂