Imaginary Conversations

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  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,070Chief of Staff


    1999. The home of Don Black. Don sits at his desk, a pile of crunched up papers in the bin below him.


    Don: It’s no good, I’m getting nowhere with this.

    Mrs Black: Just relax, Don, I’m sure you’ll get it- you always do!

    Don: I’ve tried everything.

    Mrs Black: What is it, anyway?

    Don: I’m trying to come up with the lyrics for the new James Bond title song.

    Mrs Black: What’s it called?

    Don: “The World is Not Enough”.

    Mrs Black: That shouldn’t be too difficult.

    Don: But it is! The first line of the chorus is the title, and I can’t find the second line.

    Mrs Black: Tough? Rough?

    Don: No, I’ve tried them, it just sounds corny.

    Mrs Black: Cuff? Muff?

    Don: Those are silly.

    Mrs Black: Never mind, just take a break. Fancy a cup of coffee?

    (Don gets up from his desk and walks over to the coffee table.)

    Don: I don’t know if that’ll help.

    Mrs Black: But it is such a perfect place to start.

    Don: (Startled.) What did you say?

    Mrs Black: I said, but it is such a perfect place to start.

    (Don leaps back to his desk and grabs a pen.)

    Don: Thank you, darling!


  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,070Chief of Staff


    Danny Boyle has left Bond25 over 'creative differences' - Page 15 — ajb007


    2031. A beach in the Bahamas. Daniel Craig strolls along, enjoying the sunshine and happily beachcombing. A figure appears in the distance and gradually draws closer before waving a friendly hand.


    Figure: Hello, Daniel.

    Craig: Danny? Danny Boyle?

    Boyle: Aye, it’s me.

    Craig: Well, hello again!

    (They shake hands warmly.)

    Craig: I haven’t seen you since… well, since…

    Boyle: Since the time I walked off “No Time To Die”? Though of course it wasn’t called that then.

    Craig: That’s right. How have you been?

    Boyle: Oh, I’ve been keeping busy. Listen, a friend of mine put John Hodge and me in touch with a lawyer who used to work for a man called Kevin McClory- you’ll have heard of him, of course?

    Craig: Of course. Before my time with Bond. He’s dead now, isn’t he?

    Boyle: Oh yes, years ago. Well, anyway, this lawyer reckons that since John and I put some ideas into the Bond project that eventually became “No Time To Die” then we have a very good case for owning some of the rights, to whit we have the rights to make a James Bond film ourselves.

    Craig: I don’t think Eon would be very happy about that.

    Boyle: As long as we stay within certain limits it would be okay.

    Craig: You wouldn’t be able to use the Bond Theme and gunbarrel.

    Boyle: That’s okay, we’ll just start with a lot of “007” symbols. And for the music, we’ll hire a respected Oscar-winning composer and tell him to write a really cheesy, terrible score.

    Craig: This is starting to sound very familiar….

    Boyle: Well, I was thinking that if we got you onboard to play James Bond then our position would be a lot stronger.

    Craig: Me?

    Boyle: Aye, you.

    Craig: But Danny, I’ve over 60 now.

    Boyle: Not a problem- you look fine and we can get stuntmen for the hard bits.

    Craig: I’m not sure….

    Boyle: And we’ll attempt to bring it out at the same time as Eon’s latest Bond film.

    Craig: Like I said, this is sounding very familiar.

    Boyle: So, what do you say, Daniel?

    Craig: I’m in as long as I can pick the title.

    Boyle: What do you have in mind?

    Craig: “Never Say I’d Rather Slash My Wrists Again”.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,070Chief of Staff


    1971. Las Vegas, a police station. An elderly couple sit in the witness room.


    Wife: I told you we should just have kept going.

    Husband: No, coming here and reporting it was the right thing to do.

    Wife: But we’ve been here for hours now and-

    (The door opens and Felix Leiter enters, Agent Hamilton close behind him.)

    Felix: Hello, there, I’m Agent Leiter and this is Agent Hamilton.

    Wife: (Rolling her eyes.) Wonderful, now we’ve got the FBI in on this.

    (Felix gives a polite chuckle.)

    Felix: No, ma’am, we’re not from the FBI. Now, could you just tell us please in your own words what happened.

    Husband: We’ve already told the police!

    Felix: I know, sir, but just one more time for me, please, and Agent Hamilton will take it all down.

    (Hamilton produces a pad, pen and tape recorder.)

    Husband: But-

    Wife: (Sighs.) Just do it, Jonathan.

    Husband: All right. We had left Las Vegas and were on our way home. The first thing that we saw was a red and black car, heading our way real fast. Real fast.

    Felix: Did you get the make?

    Husband: No, it was moving too fast. Anyway, we carried on a couple of miles and it was there that we saw it.

    Felix: Saw what?

    Wife: The alien! We saw an alien!

    (Hamilton sniggers, and Felix shoots him a look.)

    Husband: Quiet, Martha, I’m handling this. Yes, we saw an alien.

    Felix: And what did it look like, sir?

    Husband: Well, it was real tall, maybe ten feet, and it had one eye on top of its head.

    Wife: And claws.

    Husband: Yeah, it had claws, like a crab.

    Felix: Could you draw it for me, please?

    (He hands over pen and paper. The wife begins to draw.)

    Felix: Was it walking towards you?

    Husband: No, that’s the funny thing. It wasn’t walking- it was on wheels.

    (Hamilton makes a choking sound. Felix kicks him under the table.)

    Felix: Wheels, you say?

    Husband: Yes, and there was another wheel bouncing along behind it, just next to the men.

    Felix: Men? What men?

    Husband: A bunch of men in green uniforms, light green uniforms.

    Felix: They were running away from it?

    Husband: No, that’s another strange thing. They weren’t running away from it, they were chasing after it as if they were trying to catch it.

    Wife: Well, here’s the best drawing I could do.

    (She hands a drawing to Felix.)

    Husband: Yes, that’s it. That’s it exactly.

    Felix: So what did you do then?

    Wife: We turned the car around and headed back to Vegas as fast as we could!

    Husband: Then we came to the nearest police station and told them what we saw.

    (Felix studies the drawing.)

    Felix: Well, I’d like to thank you both for reporting this.

    Wife: Do you know what it is?

    Felix: No, ma’am, but I gotta strong feeling I know who’s involved and I’ll be having a talk with him very soon.

    Husband: So we can go now?

    Felix: Yes, sir and ma’am, you can go and thank you very much. Enjoy your journey back to Smalltown.

    Wife: Smallville.

    Felix: Yes, of course.

    (The couple head for the door.)

    Husband: Do you want to spend another night here in Vegas?

    Wife: Lord, no, let’s just get back home- we've never seen an alien there.

  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,885MI6 Agent

    That's a twist, Barbel. Very unexpected. Well done.

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,329MI6 Agent

    that Martha and Jonathon, they see aliens everywhere

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,070Chief of Staff

    Thank you very much. Sometimes these ideas take a long time, while sometimes they arrive faster than a speeding bullet.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,070Chief of Staff


    2012. Miss Moneypenny’s apartment. She is happily listening to the soothing voice of Barry Manilow as she dusts and tidies up when there is a knock on the door. She answers it to reveal her sister, Jane.


    Jane: Eve, darling!

    Eve: Jane!

    (They embrace and kiss. Jane comes in and looks around.)

    Jane: How different your place looks!

    Eve: Yes, I told you I was having it redecorated.

    Jane: Here, I got you a little something.

    (She hands over a small parcel.)

    Eve: (Opening parcel.) Oh, you shouldn’t have…. Perfume! It’s Calypso!

    Jane: Yes, I know that’s your favourite.

    Eve: Thank you, Jane. Would you like a drink?

    Jane: Yes, please. Oh, I see you’ve got a home bar now.

    Eve: It was part of the redecoration.

    Jane: Let me see…. Vodka, Gordon’s gin, Kina Lillet…. I might have known.

    Eve: Whatever do you mean?

    Jane: And a shaker, some ice, lemon… you’ve got all the right ingredients, haven’t you?

    Eve: (Totally innocently.) Ingredients for what?

    Jane: You know exactly what. (Sighs.) You still haven’t given up hope, have you?

    Eve: Hope?

    Jane: You’re wanting to bring him back here. Give him some angel cake, mix him a drink, listen to some Barry Manilow, and then….

    Eve: (Seeing there’s no point pretending.) Yes, I suppose you’re right. You’re still my guardian angel.

    Jane: You’ve been wanting him for how long now? About-

    Eve: (Quickly.) Yes, it’s been a long time.

    Jane: Don’t you think it’s time to move on?

    Eve: Move on? Maybe just a little longer….

    Jane: No, now! He’s had his chance, many chances. No final fling. It’s time for you to find someone else to pin your hopes on.

    Eve: Well, there’s the new head of Q Branch, he’s rather dishy.

    Jane: I think you’re barking up the wrong tree there, Eve.

    Eve: I suppose you’re right. But….

    Jane: But what?

    Eve: I have to go see him tomorrow.

    Jane: Where?

    Eve: You know I can’t tell you that.

    Jane: Still Her Majesty’s secret servant.

    Eve: Anyway, I do have to see him. Let’s see if anything crops up there…..


  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,699MI6 Agent

    Apologies if this has already been done, I'm only an occasional visitor to AJB these days, but at work this afternoon as I was drowning Kittens

    ( It's not part of my work, I just enjoy it ) This idea popped in to my head. I imagine Ronnie Barker as the Eon representative, with Ronnie Corbett

    as the Whitehall Mandarin and the beautiful Madeline Smith as the secretary.


    A phone rings on an office Desk ..........

    " Hello, Chumney-Fumbley-Farcourt-Bonner-Right Here."

    " Oh, I only want one person "

    " You've got one , I'm Hyphenated "

    " You sound it, I'm from Eon productions, to get a few Notes from you about One of your Agent Johnnies ?"

    " Oh Yes, Mr James shall we call him, I have the notes here, Much of it redacted of course but it should give you a feel for the man."

    " Good Mr Black will be pleased, he'd like to do a really great Theme "

    " Very well I shall begin ........ He always runs while others walk ( Wha, wha, wha Wha --- )

    " Please Miss Placed-affections put down that trumpet ! There's a time and a place !"

    " Typical politician It's OK for you to play with yourself all afternoon"

    " Miss Placed-affections, It's By myself and it's Solitaire , now just take some notes "

    "Sorry about that now where were we, ... ah yes He always runs while others walk

    " So he's always rushing around the office "

    " He acts while other men just talk "

    " Likes his amateur Dramatics, does he "

    "He looks at this world and wants it all "

    " Bit of a greedy guts, I got it "

    " So he strikes ....... "

    " Bit of a left wing Bolshie is he , always complaining in a loud voice. "

    " He Thunders and Balls "

    " He knows the meaning of success "

    " So he's got a Thesaurus then "

    " His needs are more, so he gives less "

    " Greedy again and doesn't give to charity "

    " They call him the winner who takes all "

    " Nick name then, bet he doesn't like it "

    " And he strikes like........ "

    " On strike again, I guess he Thunders and Balls again I suppose "

    " Any woman he wants, he'll get "

    " Bit of a sexual predator then "

    " He will break any heart without regret "

    " He must be a nightmare for the office Human Resources "

    " His days of asking are all gone "

    " A bit rude is he "

    " His fight goes on and on and on "

    " Bit of an Office Trouble maker "

    " But he thinks that the fight is worth it all "

    " I'm sure he does, he seems very opinionated "

    " So he strikes ...... "

    " He didn't go on strike again did he "

    " Thunders and balls "

    " To anyone who'd listen I'd guess."

    " Any of this a help to you "

    " Honestly No, I can't see Mr Black being able to string any of this in to a fantastic theme, but I'll pass it on, Thank you "

    " Good bye "

    Replacing the receiver he looks across to Miss Placed-Affections .....

    " It's odd looking at this, Bond went to a good public school. He has had a string of women, he's untrustworthy and takes

    No responsibility for his actions !"

    " so ?"

    " I'm just amazed he's not Prime Minister "

    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,070Chief of Staff

    Yes, I can easily see the Two Ronnies doing that! 😂

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