Imaginary Conversations



  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    2007. M’s office. She is speaking to Villiers.

    M: ….so I hope that you’ve enjoyed your secondment to HQ, Villiers.

    Villiers: Yes, ma’am, very much so.

    M: Well, it’s time for you to go back to working in Jamaica. We may meet again one day.

    Villiers: Yes, ma’am, thank you.

    (Villiers gets up and leaves. M presses a button on her intercom.)

    M: Moneypenny? Moneypenny? Oh, that’s right, I don’t have a Moneypenny again yet.

    (She goes to the door and opens it.)

    M: Would you come in, please?

    (Bill Tanner enters.)

    M: Sit down. Now, you’re here about the job of Chief of Staff.

    Tanner: Yes, ma’am.

    M: Your name is…?

    Tanner: Bill Tanner.

    M: How old are you, Tanner?

    Tanner: I’m 31.

    M: And you’ve been working for us for how long?

    Tanner: Since 1946 ma’am. Previously I was a Colonel in the Sappers.

    M: Sappers?

    Tanner: The Royal Engineers, ma’am.

    M: I see. What makes you think you are qualified for this job?

    Tanner: I make a good secret agent- almost everyone who sees me forgets about me immediately.

    M: Even if they have seen you before?

    Tanner: Yes, ma’am, even if they have seen me three or four times before.

    M: And you are good at keeping secrets?

    Tanner: Oh yes, I never pass on information unless I'm asked.

    M: Then I do believe you’ve got the job.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    Especially for @Sir Miles

    AJB HQ, inside a hollowed-out volcano.

    Sir Miles: What harm did “Quantum Of Solace” ever do to us? Eh? What harm did “Quantum Of Solace” ever do to us?

    Barbel: The editing?

    Sir Miles: What?

    Barbel: Well, there’s the editing…

    Sir Miles: All right, that’s true, the editing.

    Barbel: And Elvis. Worst henchman ever.

    Sir Miles: Well, of course, there’s Elvis.

    Barbel: And the death of Mathis.

    Sir Miles: Well, that’s obvious. But apart from the editing, and Elvis, and the death of Mathis, what harm did “Quantum of Solace” ever do to us?

    Barbel: There’s the waste of a great set up.

    Sir Miles: What?

    Barbel: It was set up to follow directly on from one of, if not the, best Bond films ever and they did next to nothing with it.

    Sir Miles: Well, okay but-

    Barbel: And Dominic Greene, a let-down after Le Chiffre.

    Sir Miles: Yeah, well, of course but-

    Barbel: And the way they built up the colour-themed names- Mr White, Mr Greene, Mr Slate- as if it was going to go somewhere important but it just… was nothing.

    Sir Miles: Okay, okay, but apart from the editing, and Elvis, and the death of Mathis, and wasting a great set up, and Greene being a let down after Le Chiffre, and the colour-themed names going nowhere, what harm did “Quantum Of Solace” ever do us?

    Barbel: And I haven’t even mentioned “Another Way To Die”.

    Sir Miles: Don’t you dare!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    2016. A well known retail outlet.

    Customer: You there!

    Assistant: Yes, madam, how can I help you?

    Customer: You remember yesterday, when I came in?

    Assistant: Yes, of course.

    Customer: And you sold me this box of James Bond films?

    Assistant: Yes, madam.

    Customer: I was led to believe it was complete, containing all the James Bond films. If you look at the box, it clearly says words such as “every” and “all”.

    Assistant: That’s right.

    Customer: Well, this is false advertising! It does most definitely not contain all the James Bond films!

    Assistant: I don’t understand.

    Customer: It doesn’t have “Casino Royale”.

    Assistant: Yes it does. Look, it’s right here in between “Die Another Day” and “Quantum Of Solace”.

    Customer: No, no, not that one- the one with David Niven from 1967.

    Assistant: That’s not a James Bond film!

    Customer: It most certainly is- look here!

    Assistant: Ah well, that’s supposed to be a parody, you see, it’s not an official James Bond film.

    Customer: (Examines box.) I don’t see anything here about including only the official James Bond films. It says “every”. It says “all”.

    Assistant: Yes, but-

    Customer: And another thing- it doesn’t have “Never Say Never Again”.

    Assistant: Yes, but again-

    Customer: Now don’t you tell me that “Never Say Never Again” isn’t a James Bond film- look here!

    Customer: Go, read what it says just after Sean Connery’s name.

    Assistant: (Reading.) “Is James Bond”…. Do you know, I think I see what you mean. You mean this isn’t included in the box?

    Customer: No, young man, indeed it is not.

    Assistant: I think you’ve made your point. Do you want your money back?

    Customer: No, I want those two films.

    Assistant: What, the old “Casino Royale” and “Never Say Never Again”?

    Customer: That’s right.

    Assistant: I’m not sure we have them in stock.

    Customer: Then I shall be seeing you in court!

    James Bond Complete Boxed Sets Class Action Settlement - Top Class Actions

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    2022. Eon HQ, in a Kung Fu school in Bangkok.

    MGW: Thank you for coming, everyone, and I’m sure that we’d all like to thank Barbara for her wonderfully skilled piece of misdirection last week.

    BB: It was all too easy, Michael, the press swallow anything we have to say to them.

    MGW: Thanks to you, everyone now believes that we have done nothing at all for the last two years and will continue doing nothing at all for the next two years.

    Purvis: Well done, Barbara!

    Wade: Yes, well done!

    BB: In fact, we have a fully completed screenplay all ready to go, plus all the locations scouted out, and most of the cast and crew selected.

    Wade: Did everyone really believe that we’d sit on our behinds and just do nothing for two years then spend another two years sitting doing nothing?

    BB: Well, the YouTube contingent certainly believe it and of course the fan websites believe it too.

    Purvis: As if we would do such a thing.

    MGW: Yes, old Cubby would never have let us just sit and do nothing. What a wonderful tribute to him that we didn’t waste our time by sitting doing nothing for two years then planning another two years of sitting doing nothing.

    BB: Oh yes, we would never spend two years sitting doing nothing then aim for another two years of sitting doing nothing.

    MGW: Of course not.

    BB: What’s in the screenplay, Robert and Neal?

    Wade: We went back through all the Fleming books-

    Purvis: And made notes of all the sections that haven’t previously been filmed-

    Wade: And found ways to combine them all together, in ways that will certainly keep all the fans happy.

    BB: Yes, that was definitely the right thing to do.

    MGW: Doing anything else would have been crazy.

    BB: Almost as crazy as sitting doing nothing for two years and then planning another two years of sitting doing nothing would have been.

    Purvis: But, Barbara and Michael, you still haven’t told us who will be the new James Bond.

    MGW: That’s right, we haven’t.

    BB: We’re just waiting for the right moment to announce it.

    MGW: We went through a good few contenders, made a short list, and then selected the right person. That was certainly a good use of our time, much better than sitting doing nothing for two years.

    BB: And would you like to know who it is?

    Purvis/Wade: Of course!

    MGW: Right, then…

    BB: The new James Bond is….

    Bride Of Barbel: Barbel! Barbel! Wake up!

    Barbel: (Waking up.) Huh? What?

    The Bride: You’ve been having that dream again.

    Barbel: Oh, crap…. They really have been sitting doing nothing for two years and are planning to sit doing nothing for another two years! (He weeps, inconsolably.)

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,632Chief of Staff

    Absolutely brilliant 👏🏻👏🏻


    YNWA 97
    Currently Head of Station C: Canada 🇨🇦
  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,699MI6 Agent
    edited July 2

    Great work @Barbel , as always!


    Bond Fan visiting one of the UK's few surviving HMV stores:

    Bond Fan: Good morning.

    Sales Assistant: Good morning, sir, may I help?

    Bond Fan (rummaging around in a plastic bag): Yes. (Produces a well-worn DVD box set, 'Bond 50: Celebrating Five Decades of Bond 007' and a crumpled receipt.)

    Sales Assistant looks bewildered.

    Bond Fan (officiously): I'm here to claim my free digital downloads of 'Never Say Never Again' and the 1967 'Casino Royale'!

    Sales Assistant looks even more bewildered.

    Sales Assistant: Sir?

    Bond Fan (still officiously): This receipt is clear evidence that, prior to January 31st, 2018, I purchased a mis-marketed James Bond DVD set - thus (holding up the box set) - from your now defunct flagship store in Oxford Street! I'm here to claim the free digital downloads to which I am legally entitled!

    Sales Assistant: Errr... just one moment sir... (Reaches for RT) Security to checkout!

    (Scuffle. Mayhem. Bond Fan bundled out of store by Security, protesting vociferously. Lani Hall stops singing. Sales Assistant suddenly grimaces with a defeated look of disappointment in himself. Camera pans out to show M and Sales Assistant, as OO7, smartly attired, looking at the scene as video footage on a TV set in M's Office.)

    Sales Assistant: Not too shabby, sir.

    (H)M(V): But mayhem, OO7, mayhem! You should have studied the HMV Sales Assistants' Manual more carefully! Told him that the ruling he was ranting about applies only in respect of purchases made in the US, that its provision has long since expired and that, anyway, the liability was with Metro-Goldwyn Studios and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment - not with HMV!

    Customer Services Assistant: Either that or just sent him the downloads, sir... the films in question would at least have left him immobilised, hopefully bored him to death!

    H(M)V: That's the kind of attitude that tempts me to close our remaining stores, OO7!

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Too many free radicals, that's your problem!

    Many thanks, Shady and Sir Miles.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    With thanks to @Number24 for the Norwegian.

    2022. A primary school in Norway.

    Teacher: ...and thank you, Mr Berg, for that exciting talk on tree bark. A very interesting contribution to our “Bring Your Father To School” day. Now, who’s next in the alphabet….? Ah yes, Mathilde Bond.

    Mathilde: Yes, ma’am.

    Teacher: Have you brought your father with you?

    Mathilde: But of course.

    (She whistles a few notes of the “James Bond Theme”, and Bond enters the classroom.)

    Teacher: So, sit down and please tell us your name, sir.

    Bond: Bond. James Bond.

    Teacher: I see you filled out most of the paperwork. Do you exercise?

    Bond: When I have to.

    Teacher: Do you consider your employment to be psychologically stressful?

    Bond: Sometimes.

    Teacher: How much alcohol do you consume?

    Bond: Too much.

    Teacher: I see you left this final question blank. What is your occupation?

    Bond: Well, it’s not the sort of thing that looks good on a form.

    Teacher: And why is that?

    Bond: I travel a lot. A sort of licenced troubleshooter.

    Teacher: Could you be more specific?

    Bond: I, er, help people with problems.

    Teacher: Mmm, problem solver.

    Bond: I’m more of a problem eliminator.

    Teacher: Well, I’m not sure if we’ve learned very much but thank you anyway, Mr Bond, for coming along.

    Bond: No problem.

    (He presses a hidden button and a hatch in the ceiling opens up. Instantly Bond’s seat ejects him through the hatch, disappearing from view.)

    Teacher: Fy faen!

    Mathilde: Don’t worry, ma’am, he’s always doing that sort of thing.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,978MI6 Agent

    What do you mean by "Morten Harket and his friends"? Morten, Pål and Magne were on such unfriendly terms the people working in the studio had to wear riot gear when the band came to reccord their albums ......

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    Like John Barry in post 2098?

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,978MI6 Agent

    Strangly, yes. 😁

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,978MI6 Agent
    edited July 3

    This sort of thing happens more often than you'd think .... 😂🤣🤣

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    Just be glad I didn't write you into it somewhere....

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,978MI6 Agent

    Oh, I'm very glad .....

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    2008. A hotel in Port-au-Prince, Haiti.

    MGW: (Putting his newspaper down.) We’re looking for people to cast as background extras for a scene in our new film, “Quantum Of Solace.”

    Man: Sorry, “Quantum Of….?”

    BB: “Quantum Of Solace.”

    Man: Oh, right. James Bond, isn’t it?

    BB: That’s right.

    Man: Do I get to hold a machine gun?

    MGW: No, no machine gun.

    Man: Maybe a machete?

    BB: No, you don’t get to hold a machete.

    Man: Well, what do I get then?

    MGW: You’re holding a broom.

    Man: A broom???

    BB: Yes, I take it you know how to work a broom.

    Man: Of course.

    MGW: Then you’re hired.

    Quantum of Solace - Swept Away - Bing video

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,978MI6 Agent

    Skilled hjelp is so hard to find these days! 😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff


    1979. Cubby Broccoli calls Steven Spielberg.

    Cubby: Hallo? Steven?

    Spielberg: Yes, hallo Cubby. I haven’t changed my mind, I don’t want to direct your next James Bond movie unless you meet my conditions.

    Cubby: No, no, it isn’t that. Listen, in the movie we’re making right now, “Moonraker”, we have a spot where I think it would be very funny if we can use the main theme from “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind”.

    Spielberg: Oh yes?

    Cubby: So I’d like your permission if we could use those five notes.

    Spielberg: Well, I don’t know about that…

    Cubby: Just those five notes. It’ll be a great joke.

    Spielberg: Well, okay, but I might want a similar favour from you one day.

    Cubby: Sure! Thanks Steven!

    1985. Steven Spielberg calls Cubby Broccoli.

    Spielberg: Hallo? Cubby?

    Cubby: Yes, hallo Steven. I haven’t changed my mind, I won’t meet your conditions to direct the next James Bond movie.

    Spielberg: No, no, it isn’t that. Listen, you remember I gave you permission to use the main theme from “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind” in "Moonraker”?

    Cubby: Yes….

    Spielberg: And I said I might want a similar favour from you one day?

    Cubby: Yes….

    Spielberg: Well, I want to use a bit of the “James Bond Theme” in “The Goonies”.

    Cubby: But that’s our trademark!

    Spielberg: It’s returning a favour, Cubby.

    Cubby: Oh well, I suppose so.

    (Six months later...)

    (60) The Goonies data James Bond scene - YouTube

    Cubby: (Grumbling.) That’s a damn sight more than five notes….

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    In collaboration with Number24-

    2016. Miss Moneypenny’s office.

    Moneypenny: ...and after work we could go for a nice dinner together, then back to my place, and….?

    Bond: Ah, Moneypenny, if only I-

    (The intercom buzzes.)

    M. (On intercom.) Moneypenny, is 007 there yet?

    Moneypenny: Yes, sir.

    M: Well, send him in. At once!

    (Moneypenny gives Bond one last lingering look as he goes into M’s office.)

    M: There you are, 007, at last. What’s the meaning of this?

    (He waves a document at Bond.)

    Bond: I would have thought it to be perfectly clear, sir.

    M: 15 months paternity leave? Are you having a joke?

    Bond: No, sir. That is the norm in Norway.

    M: What do you mean, Norway? You’re here, aren’t you?

    Bond: Yes, sir, but my wife and expected child will be in Norway.

    M: Your wife????

    Bond: Dr Swann and I got married very quietly. Our child is due very soon.

    M: Yes, but-

    Bond: We got married under Norwegian law. (Consults a notebook.) I am entitled to 15 mon… Oh, my apologies, sir. I am entitled to 15 weeks paternity leave.

    M: But, 007, you can’t do this! Suppose Spectre steals some atomic bombs and holds the West to ransom? Suppose some crazed megarich industrialist decides to start World War Three by stealing spaceships or submarines belonging to a major world power, or even Britain?

    Bond: Then you’ll just have to send 008, sir.

    M: And this invoice from Q Branch?

    Bond: Well, Madeleine wasn’t happy about the baby seat being ejectable so that had to be removed.

    M: Ejectable baby seat?

    Bond: I tried to tell her it would be cheaper to have a parachute attached, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Don’t worry about the expense, sir, I’m sure that’s recoverable from the Norwegian government.

    M: And Dr Swann?

    Bond: I believe she submitted a report on her visit to Blofeld. She says he is still insane. Last week he was planning his birthday- she said it was an eye-rolling experience.

    (Bond makes to leave.)

    M: And where do you think you’re going?

    Bond: (Producing an airline ticket.) Norway, sir. I’ve just got time to catch the next flight out.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    Part Two of the above, again in collaboration with Number 24.

    2016. Norway. Bond parks the Aston Martin outside Madeleine’s place. She comes out to greet him.

    Madeleine: James, how is Mathilde?

    Bond: She’s just fine.

    (He reaches in to free Mathilde from her seat, accidentally pressing the wrong button. A compartment with a bottle of champagne and two glasses appears, and romantic music starts playing. He quickly fumbles to shut it down and free the child from her seat.)

    Madeleine: I’ve managed to get leave from London.

    Bond: You know, I think I’m starting to adjust to the local culture. The local cuisine is horrible, but when I was out pushing Mathilde the other day I shot a reindeer with the gun Q has installed in the pram. I’m glad he installed a silencer so she didn’t wake up!

    Madeleine: I’m glad to hear it. And another thing- stop sleeping with the baby alarm underneath your pillow!

    Bond: Old habits die hard, my love.

    Madeleine: We’re coming to the end of your paternity leave. You know, James, if you’re going to be a father to Mathilde I don’t mean paying child support and telling Moneypenny to buy her presents.

    Bond: Really? But Kissy is fine with….

    (He sees the death glare in Madeleine’s eyes and quickly shuts up before the hole he’s in gets deeper. They enter the chalet. Bond begins to warm a milk bottle with one hand while mixing a vodka martini with the other.)

    Madeleine: Oh James… if only I could be sure you’ll be coming back from London when your leave is over.

    Bond: Madeleine, didn’t I put gold on your finger? (She begins to weep.) Don’t weep, my darling- this is no time to cry.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    1979. California, at the game shooting part outside Drax’s chateau.

    Police Captain: All right, tell me what we got here.

    Officer: One body, sir, shot dead.

    Captain: Shot?

    Officer: Yes sir, from the position it seems the man was up this tree here (Gestures.) and was shot from over there. (Points.)

    Captain: How many bullets?

    Officer: Just one, sir.

    Captain: One bullet? From over there? That’s some shooting.

    Officer: Yes sir. Also, the man was dressed as an old-fashioned British gamekeeper.

    Captain: Now how do you suppose that could be?

    Officer: Beats me, Captain.

    Captain: Now, this land belongs to the owner of that castle over there.

    Officer: It’s a French chateau. Sir.

    Captain: French chateau?

    Officer: Brought over here brick by brick. It belongs to Hugo Drax.

    Captain: We’re going to need a word with him.

    Officer: I checked, sir, he’s outta the country.

    Captain: Where is he?

    Officer: Venice.

    Captain: That’s only in Florida! That ain’t outta the country!

    Officer: No sir, Venice Italy.

    Captain: And how long is he gonna be there?

    Officer: Not long, sir, he’s going to Brazil soon.

    Captain: Gets around, doesn’t he?

    (Another officer approaches, his face very pale.)

    2nd Officer: Hey, Captain!

    Captain: Yeah?

    2nd Officer: You’re gonna want to see what we found in the woods….

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    1993. A theatrical agent in London. Ralph Fiennes walks in.

    Agent: Ralph, good to see you! Have a seat!

    Ralph: Thanks. (Sits.)

    Agent: I have some really good news for you.

    Ralph: Yes, I’ve heard. Timothy Dalton has quit the part of James Bond.

    Agent: Yes, but-

    Ralph: I’m just the right age, I’m 31, and I’m really looking forward to it.

    Agent: Ralph-

    Ralph: I take it you’ve had a call from Cubby Broccoli, or maybe Michael Wilson?

    Agent: No, I haven’t.

    Ralph: (Disappointed.) Oh.

    Agent: I have, however, had a call from Steven Spielberg.

    Ralph: (Interested.) Ah!

    Agent: He has a part for you that I think maybe, just maybe, might put you in line for an Oscar.

    Ralph: (Forgetting about James Bond.) Tell me more….

    2005. A theatrical agent in London. Ralph Fiennes walks in.

    Agent: Ralph, good to see you! Have a seat!

    Ralph: Thanks. (Sits.)

    Agent: I have some really good news for you.

    Ralph: Yes, I’ve heard. Pierce Brosnan has been fired from the part of James Bond.

    Agent: Yes, but-

    Ralph: I’m younger than him, I’m 44, and I’m really looking forward to it.

    Agent: Ralph-

    Ralph: I take it you’ve had a call from Michael Wilson, or maybe Barbara Broccoli?

    Agent: No, I haven’t.

    Ralph: (Disappointed.) Oh.

    Agent: I have, however, had a call from the Harry Potter producers.

    Ralph: (Interested.) Ah!

    Agent: They want you to play the villain, Lord Voldemort, in the rest of their series. At least four movies, maybe five.

    Ralph: (Forgetting about James Bond.) Tell me more….

    2012. A theatrical agent in London. Ralph Fiennes walks in.

    Agent: Ralph, good to see you! Have a seat!

    Ralph: Thanks. (Sits.)

    Agent: I have some really good news for you.

    Ralph: Well, I’m 50 now but I suppose I could still carry off the part of James Bond.

    Agent: Yes, but-

    Ralph: I take it you’ve had a call from Michael Wilson, or maybe Barbara Broccoli?

    Agent: Yes, that’s right.

    Ralph: Aha! (He adopts the Bond pose, his right forefinger over his left shoulder.)

    Agent: Ralph-

    Ralph: It’s been a long time coming, but finally!

    Agent: They don’t want you to be Bond- they want you to be M.

    Ralph: (Puzzled.) But Judi Dench is M.

    Agent: In this film she dies and you become the new M.

    Ralph: The new M….?

    Agent: That’s right. Minimum 3 film contract.

    Ralph: Tell them I’ll do it!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    1974. Eon HQ, in a junk heading from the remains of an island. The junk has a cage with a little person inside it tied to the top of the mast.

    Cubby: So, after the success of “Live And Let Die” Harry and I would like to ask you, Guy, back to direct our next James Bond film “The Man With The Golden Gun”.

    Guy Hamilton: I’d be delighted, Cubby.

    Harry: That’s good, we’re glad to hear it.

    Guy: There’s just one thing though…

    Cubby: Oh? And what’s that?

    Guy: I don’t want to just do exactly the same thing as the last time.

    Harry: No, no, of course not.

    Guy: I mean, what do you have in mind?

    Cubby: Richard?

    Richard Maibaum: Tom and I have been working on the script. For starters, we want the pre-credits sequence to not feature Bond.

    Guy: Not feature Bond?

    Tom Mankiewicz: That’s right, we’ll see how deadly the villains can be and Bond will be the first person we see after the credits.

    Guy: Will we be using any Fleming?

    Richard: Well, a couple of character names.

    Guy: How about M?

    Tom: He’ll be there, a bit more grumpy than usual.

    Guy: And the villain?

    Tom: When he first really talks to Bond, he’ll be wearing a beautiful white suit.

    Richard: And for a highlight of the film, we want to have an exciting boat chase featuring Sheriff J.W. Pepper.

    Tom: Yes, we’ll be using him for comedy.

    Richard: Bond will be sleeping with two different women, one of whom will be working for the bad guys.

    Tom: Bond will get a bit rough with her and later she’ll be killed.

    Richard: By the bad guys, of course.

    Tom: The ending will have Bond make his way to the villain’s island, to save the girl.

    Guy: I see.

    Tom: And at the very end, after the main villain has been killed, his henchman will return just as Bond and the girl think they’re safe in their bedroom.

    Richard: Bond will of course defeat this henchman.

    Guy: So, nothing like “Live And Let Die” at all then?

    Cubby: That’s right.

    Guy: All right then, I’m in!

    Harry: Excellent!

  • chrisno1chrisno1 LondonPosts: 2,060MI6 Agent

    😀 very good. As an established Bond viewer, I am amazed I never noticed that.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    Thanks, @chrisno1 - there's plenty more of that, of course.

    1973. Eon HQ, behind a car showroom in Bangkok.

    Cubby: Well, we’ve got a new James Bond in the form of Roger Moore so we have to give some thought as to how we’re going to do his first film.

    Harry: We shouldn’t just do as we did with Sean Connery in “Dr No”.

    Guy Hamilton: No, of course not. So, Tom, what are your thoughts?

    Tom Mankiewicz: We should start with a British agent or two being killed.

    Harry: Ok, fine.

    Tom: And Bond is sent to investigate. When he lands at an airport, we should have some car action since this is early in the film.

    Guy: Sure, makes sense.

    Tom: Our villain uses the title “Dr” and is in charge of a mysterious Caribbean island which doesn't actually exist. We can just use Jamaica.

    Cubby: Caribbean, that’s good.

    Tom: And he uses superstition to keep the locals away from what he’s up to.

    Harry: I like that!

    Tom: His agents make several attempts on Bond’s life, including using poisonous animals planted in Bond's hotel room.

    Guy: Great!

    Tom: Bond meets up with Felix Leiter who assists him.

    Cubby: Felix, yes.

    Tom: And also Quarrel for local help.

    Harry: Sure.

    Tom: A beautiful woman tries to set him up for a trap, but Bond sees right through that- not before sleeping with her, of course.

    Cubby: Of course.

    Tom: Bond goes to the island on a boat, assisted by Quarrel and Felix.

    Guy: Sounds good.

    Tom: And after a fight to the death with the villain, preferably involving water, Bond blows the whole of the villain’s schemes up -rescuing the lovely lady, of course.

    Cubby: That all sounds excellent.

    Guy: Yes, I agree.

    Harry: And not at all like “Dr No”.

    (I may have done this one before, but am not going back through over 70 pages to check.😊)

  • chrisno1chrisno1 LondonPosts: 2,060MI6 Agent


  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    1995. A theatrical agent in London. Sean Bean enters.

    Agent: Sean, my boy, come in! Have a seat!

    Sean: (Sitting.) You said you had some news for me?

    Agent: That’s right. You’ll have heard, of course, that there’s going to be a new James Bond movie?

    Sean: (Interested.) That’s right, and Timothy Dalton has quit.

    Agent: Indeed he has. Well, I’ve had a phone call from Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli-

    Sean: Yes? Yes?

    Agent: And they wonder if you would be interested-

    Sean: Yes? Yes? Yes?

    Agent: -in playing the part of 00-

    Sean: Oh yes! (Adopts the Bond pose, his right forefinger over his left shoulder.) Yes!

    Agent: 6.

    Sean: (Baffled, his hand dropping.) 006?

    Agent: That’s right, 006. You start off as James Bond’s friend but in the course of the movie you become the villain.

    Sean: But… but… who’s James Bond?

    Agent: Oh, that’ll be Pierce Brosnan.

    Sean: Ah. (Sadly nodding his head.) Of course it will be.

    Agent: So, what do you want me to tell them?

    Sean: Tell them I want a death scene.

    Agent: No problem, I’m pretty sure they were planning on one anyway.

    Sean: No…. Tell them I want TWO death scenes!

    Agent: Two?

    Sean: I’m beginning to make a name for always dying in my films- so for this one I want to die twice!

    Agent: You only die twice?

    Sean: Make it three times if they like!

    Agent: Let’s stick with two- I’m sure they can manage that.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    1997. Baja California. James Cameron is filming “Titanic” in a huge tank. No, a water tank.

    Assistant: Phone for you, Mr Cameron.

    Cameron: Can’t you see I’m busy right now? I’ve got Kate Winslet on this tiny raft and Leonardo di Caprio in the water.

    Assistant: It’s Barbara Broccoli and Michael Wilson. They say they have the tank booked for their film “Tomorrow Never Dies” from today.

    Cameron: Tell them I’ll get finished as soon as I can!

    (The next day. Cameron is busy directing di Caprio and Winslet in the tank.)

    Assistant: Phone for you, Mr Cameron.

    Cameron: Not now!

    Assistant: It’s Mr Wilson and Ms Broccoli. They need the tank and they need it now.

    Cameron: Tell them I’m going as fast as I can! I’ll get back to them!

    (The next day.)

    Assistant: Phone for you, Mr Cameron.

    Cameron: I’m just coming to the bit where Kate pulls Leonardo out of the water and they talk as they’re rescued and the film ends.

    Assistant: It’s the Broccolis again, sir. They want that tank and they want it yesterday if not earlier.

    Cameron: Argh! Oh well, ok then. Kate, just let Leonardo stay in the water and die. Then we can all go home and let the Bond people have the tank.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    1995. A theatrical agent in London. Billy J. Mitchell enters.

    Agent: Billy, come in! Have a seat!

    Billy: (Sitting.) You said you had some news for me?

    Agent: That’s right. A part has come in which I think will suit you.

    Billy: That’s good. What is it?

    Agent: You’ll be playing an admiral- Admiral Chuck Farrell to be exact.

    Billy: An admiral, eh? I enjoy pulling rank!

    Agent: You have this absolutely gorgeous girlfriend. We meet the two of you at a scene in a casino

    then later you have a pretty explicit sex scene with her.

    Billy: (Interested.) Explicit sex scene, eh?

    Agent: That’s right, and during this she kills you.

    Billy: She kills me? She shoots me, or stabs me maybe?

    Agent: No, no, she squeezes you to death between her thighs.


    Agent: Billy, are you all right?

    Billy: Hmmm? Oh, sorry, I just sort of wandered off there for a moment.

    Agent: So, are you interested?

    Billy: Er… well, I suppose I could manage to fit it in.

    Agent: Excellent! I’ll tell Mr Broccoli at once.

    Billy: Mr… Broccoli?

    Agent: Yes, this is for the new James Bond film, “GoldenEye”.

    (Billy starts to laugh.)

    Agent: What’s so funny?

    Billy: Oh, nothing. It’s just that the last James Bond film I was in, I played a Captain.

    Agent: What?

    Billy: Yes, I played a Captain Pedersen in “Never Say Never Again”. I suppose I could look on this as a promotion!

    Agent: Ah…. If I were you I wouldn’t mention that very much to them. Or indeed at all....

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 4,756MI6 Agent

    Nicely done, Barbel, I didn’t know of the connection.

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    Stick with me, kid, for eddukaksh... educka... learning stuff!

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