28th September, 2021. A bar near the Royal Albert Hall. Three elderly men in tuxedos sit at a table. There are five drinks on the table before them- vodka martinis, shaken not stirred.
Welshman: To absent friends.
(They all pick up a glass and toast the other two drinks.)
Irishman: (Deepening his voice.) Abshent friendsh.
Australian: (Raising an eyebrow.) Absent friends
(They all drink.)
Irishman: I think it’s time we went in, gentlemen.
Australian: Certainly.
Welshman: But of course.
(They rise, and go through to their reserved seats in the Albert Hall. The entertainment begins.)
Welshman: Well, they put the gunbarrel in the right place.
Australian: It’s a bit white, though.
Irishman: Some guy walking through snow…
Australian: Hey, didn’t he get shot?
Welshman: He’s still alive!
Irishman: How come he’s not dead?
Welshman: That ice was definitely going to crack.
Australian: With her under it.
Irishman: He pulls her up, and…
Australian: She grew up fast!
Welshman: And there he is.
Irishman: (Sighing.) Yes, there he is.
Welshman: They’re in the Aston Martin.
Irishman: I loved that Aston Martin.
Australian: Hey, they’re playing MY tune!!!! That’s my tune!!!
Irishman: Now the car chase.
Welshman: I love a good car chase.
Australian: But he’s stopped the car- now they’re going round in circles.
Irishman: Seems they’ve been doing that for years.
Australian: He’s putting her on the train…
Irishman: And now the titles start.
Welshman: Now??? How long have we been watching this?
Irishman: So, this is Cuba.
Welshman: Hey, who’s this girl?
Australian: She’s fantastic! Much better than the boring blonde one. Now that she’s the main lady, this could be really good!
(Five minutes later.)
Welshman: Ah.
Australian: Ah.
Irishman: Ah.
Welshman: Oh no, Felix is dead.
Irishman: I never got a Felix.
Australian: Who is this Felix you speak of?
Irishman: Nice to see Ralph Fiennes.
Welshman: Yes, he’s a good M.
Australian: Hey, that’s my tune! They’re playing another one of my tunes!!!
Irishman: Right, here’s Blofeld.
Australian: Of course some of us had better Blofelds…
Welshman: I’m keen to see how he gets out of jail, and… Ah.
Australian: Ah.
Irishman: Ah.
Irishman: He definitely got shot there.
Welshman: And got the poisonous vial smashed in his face.
Australian: And the missiles are coming straight for him.
Irishman: It’s gonna be hard to get out of this one.
Welshman: I’m desperate to see how he manages.
Australian: Yeah, he always manages.
Irishman: Always.
Welshman: Always….
Theatre Manager: Have you cleared everything up?
Usher: Yes, boss.
Manager: Got everyone out?
Usher: Well… not quite.
Manager: Not quite? What do you mean?
Usher: Everyone’s out except…
Manager: Yes? Except who?
Usher: Except those three old guys in tuxedos. They’ve been sitting there completely frozen with their jaws on the floor for the last half hour.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,553Chief of Staff
A large crowd of people are gathered there. Some are laying flowers at the gate. Some are weeping, and not just the women.
A man makes his way steadily through the crowd. He is tall; his hair is dark with a few flecks of grey showing through. He has a scar down one cheek. His age is difficult to determine.
There is a sign posted on the gate. He slowly reads it through. His face is apparently expressionless, unless one knew him well.
The man lays a single rose against the gate and looks up for a long moment. He then walks back to his car, which carries an emblem letting the police know not to interfere with wherever it is parked. The silver/grey car is old, perhaps sixty years old, but like its owner it is somehow timeless.
He opens the door, gets in and drives off to a building not too far away.
A moving vision of a tribute by the longest serving imaginary knight of the Queen, respectful and true, and ready to stand On His Majesty's Secret Service.
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
A true story. My grandparents once told me of how they got chatting to Donald Pleasence on a flight to London from overseas - I think, from Holland - at some point in the mid sixties. They'd had no idea who he was and just started nattering to hìm, they said, when they realised he was English - or it might have been the other way around. He told them he was an actor and that he was flying back to make a film, at short notice. They only realised how well known he was later, after seeing him in a film on TV... probably 'The Great Escape'. I like to think that they'd met him on his way to film YOLT, after things had fallen through with Jan Werich, though I've no way of finding out now... Apparently he was "a very nice man"...
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
11th September 2022. Perth, Australia. An orchestra manager telephones an actor who shall remain anonymous, but he once played James Bond.
Manager: George? George? Is that you?
Actor: Yeah, it’s me. Just gimme a moment, will ya? I really tied one on last night and my mouth’s like a koala’s armpit.
Manager: Never mind that. Is it true what I’m hearing about what you did last night?
Actor: (With practised ease.) Hey, just hold on there one moment! She told me that she was eighteen, I swear that she looked eighteen, and-
Manager: No, not that.
Actor: Oh. What is it, then?
Manager: I am referring to what you said at the theatre.
Actor: What, the bit when I told the conductor he was the worst musician I’d ever met and he could stick his baton up hi-
Manager: No, not even that. I mean the part when you were speaking to the audience. You know, the public.
Actor: Oh, yeah?
Manager: When the orchestra were getting ready to play “From Russia With Love”, you were supposed to mention that this came out in 1963 and tell us a few fascinating facts about that year.
Actor: ‘Strewth, that’s exactly what I did! I told then that 1963 was the year I met big Sheila from Melbourne and she loved to get her mouth around my-
Manager: Yes, yes, we know what she liked to do. The entire audience were left in no doubt of what she liked to do. Then, for 1967, you were only supposed to talk about “You Only Live Twice”.
Actor: But 1967 was the year that I was with lovely Adelaide from Adelaide. Oh man, she had the biggest-
Manager: Yes, George.
Actor: -Pair of-
Manager: Thank you, George, I think we all get the picture. Speaking of which, you really didn’t need to show those pictures to the audience.
Actor: They wouldn’t have believed me otherwise!
Manager: Then we get to 1969…
Actor: Oh, ‘69, yeah. And never was a year better named….
Manager: But you didn’t have to go into such great detail.
Actor: That was the year I got to be James Bond! Of course I had to go into detail! Especially about the part when I had two girls at once, one sitting on my-
Manager: George, that is exactly what the audience didn’t want to hear! That is why we got all the complaints! And that is why we’re dropping you from this tour.
Actor: Aw cobblers, you gotta be kidding me!
Manager: Definitely not. Now, back to Pommieland you go and we have to find another narrator. I think I'll try Idris Elba, or Tom Hardy, or Aidan Turner, or....
(The Actor hangs up.)
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,553Chief of Staff
In the jargon, he appears to have "misread the room". Wouldn't have worried me but I'm not your average audience member (devoted Bond fan, old enough to remember him being announced as the new James Bond).
He's been telling these stories for years, but you have to edit them according to your audience.
I mean, could you imagine Sir Roger getting into this kind of trouble? He spent a few years talking to audiences and both charmed and delighted them without any controversy.
On George Lazenby, I don't know the details of what he's supposed to have said (Barbel's parody sounds scarily plausible) but it must have been offensive to people. Not exactly media-smart of any celeb to get themselves cancelled...
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Comments
PART
TWO
The 007 stage.
Cubby: In here. (He opens the door.)
Fred: Wow, I’ve heard about this place but I never thought I’d be seeing it for myself.
Cubby: Now you will. Michael, the lights, please.
(MGW turns on the lights.)
MGW: This way, Fred.
Fred: This looks familiar.
Cubby: Now walk down there….
Fred: Oh, good Lord! Help! Don’t shoot….. (He realizes they are only mannequins.) Oh, right, I see.
Cubby: (Bringing out a notebook and pencil, he draws a very obvious “X” on a page.) Just keep going, Francis.
(Fred continues to walk.)
MGW: Over this little bridge here, Fred.
Fred: What? I know this one! There are piranha fish in that pool!
Cubby: Piranha fish?
Cubby: Would we do that to you?
Fred: Yes, you bloody well would! I’m not crossing that bridge!
Cubby: Oh, well.
(He pulls out his notebook and draws another “X”.)
MGW: This way, then.
(The next room is very dark.)
Fred: Where am I supposed to be going?
Cubby: You should find a bed.
Fred: Right, I’ve found it.
Cubby: Just lie down on it.
Fred: (Suspicions aroused.) Lie down on it?
MGW: That’s right.
Fred: Well, okay then…. Hey, it isn’t very comfortable. It’s very hard. Hey, what are you doing- stop that!
(MGW has quickly strapped Fred down.)
Fred: (Panicking.) What’s going on? And what is this bed made of, anyway?
Cubby: (Emerging from the shadows.) This is gold, Mr Finn. All my life I have been in love with its colour, its brilliance, its divine-
Fred: Hey, wait a minute- I know that! You’re just quoting from one of your own films- “Goldfinger”!
MGW: He’s got you there, Cubby.
Cubby: You think? Turn it on, Michael.
MGW: But Cubby-
Cubby: I said turn it on!
(Reluctantly MGW presses a switch.)
Fred: Hey, come on, now!
Cubby: It is time for your intentions to be made quite clear. Do you wish to marry my daughter in good faith?
Fred: (Laser beam edging ever closer.) Yes! Yes, I do!
Cubby: Are you sure?
Fred: Slice me in two if you have to, but I love Barbara! I want to marry her!
Cubby: And…?
Fred: I don’t care about James Bond! I don’t want to be a James Bond producer!
(Cubby pulls out his notebook and draws a large tick. He signs to MGW to turn off the laser.)
Cubby: You are quite right… Fred. You are worth more to me alive.
The Broccoli mansion.
BB: They’ve been an awfully long time.
Dana: Your father loves you very much, Barbara. Whatever he may arrange, I know it’s for your happiness.
BB: What has Papa arranged?
(The door opens. Cubby enters, followed by Fred leaning on MGW.)
BB: Fred! Are you all right?
Fred: Yes…. Yes… I’m all right. Your father has given his blessing to our marriage.
BB: Wonderful!
Cubby: And as a wedding present, I’m going to let Fred produce something for me.
Fred: Yes?
BB: Oh daddy, you don’t mean…?
Cubby: Yes! Fred can do a new “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”!
28th September, 2021. A bar near the Royal Albert Hall. Three elderly men in tuxedos sit at a table. There are five drinks on the table before them- vodka martinis, shaken not stirred.
Welshman: To absent friends.
(They all pick up a glass and toast the other two drinks.)
Irishman: (Deepening his voice.) Abshent friendsh.
Australian: (Raising an eyebrow.) Absent friends
(They all drink.)
Irishman: I think it’s time we went in, gentlemen.
Australian: Certainly.
Welshman: But of course.
(They rise, and go through to their reserved seats in the Albert Hall. The entertainment begins.)
Welshman: Well, they put the gunbarrel in the right place.
Australian: It’s a bit white, though.
Irishman: Some guy walking through snow…
Australian: Hey, didn’t he get shot?
Welshman: He’s still alive!
Irishman: How come he’s not dead?
Welshman: That ice was definitely going to crack.
Australian: With her under it.
Irishman: He pulls her up, and…
Australian: She grew up fast!
Welshman: And there he is.
Irishman: (Sighing.) Yes, there he is.
Welshman: They’re in the Aston Martin.
Irishman: I loved that Aston Martin.
Australian: Hey, they’re playing MY tune!!!! That’s my tune!!!
Irishman: Now the car chase.
Welshman: I love a good car chase.
Australian: But he’s stopped the car- now they’re going round in circles.
Irishman: Seems they’ve been doing that for years.
Australian: He’s putting her on the train…
Irishman: And now the titles start.
Welshman: Now??? How long have we been watching this?
Irishman: So, this is Cuba.
Welshman: Hey, who’s this girl?
Australian: She’s fantastic! Much better than the boring blonde one. Now that she’s the main lady, this could be really good!
(Five minutes later.)
Welshman: Ah.
Australian: Ah.
Irishman: Ah.
Welshman: Oh no, Felix is dead.
Irishman: I never got a Felix.
Australian: Who is this Felix you speak of?
Irishman: Nice to see Ralph Fiennes.
Welshman: Yes, he’s a good M.
Australian: Hey, that’s my tune! They’re playing another one of my tunes!!!
Irishman: Right, here’s Blofeld.
Australian: Of course some of us had better Blofelds…
Welshman: I’m keen to see how he gets out of jail, and… Ah.
Australian: Ah.
Irishman: Ah.
Irishman: He definitely got shot there.
Welshman: And got the poisonous vial smashed in his face.
Australian: And the missiles are coming straight for him.
Irishman: It’s gonna be hard to get out of this one.
Welshman: I’m desperate to see how he manages.
Australian: Yeah, he always manages.
Irishman: Always.
Welshman: Always….
Theatre Manager: Have you cleared everything up?
Usher: Yes, boss.
Manager: Got everyone out?
Usher: Well… not quite.
Manager: Not quite? What do you mean?
Usher: Everyone’s out except…
Manager: Yes? Except who?
Usher: Except those three old guys in tuxedos. They’ve been sitting there completely frozen with their jaws on the floor for the last half hour.
Another classic, Barbel 🍸🤣🤣
Thank you, Sir Miles.
8th September 2022. Outside Buckingham Palace.
A large crowd of people are gathered there. Some are laying flowers at the gate. Some are weeping, and not just the women.
A man makes his way steadily through the crowd. He is tall; his hair is dark with a few flecks of grey showing through. He has a scar down one cheek. His age is difficult to determine.
There is a sign posted on the gate. He slowly reads it through. His face is apparently expressionless, unless one knew him well.
The man lays a single rose against the gate and looks up for a long moment. He then walks back to his car, which carries an emblem letting the police know not to interfere with wherever it is parked. The silver/grey car is old, perhaps sixty years old, but like its owner it is somehow timeless.
He opens the door, gets in and drives off to a building not too far away.
A moving vision of a tribute by the longest serving imaginary knight of the Queen, respectful and true, and ready to stand On His Majesty's Secret Service.
Wow. I am speechless. Excellent.
This would also do well in the Tributes thread.
Thank you, gentlemen.
A perfect tribute, Barbel.
Thank you, N24. Normal service will be resumed soon.
This soon!
2022. Eon HQ, above a printing press in Hamburg. Purvis & Wade are sitting typing at a computer.
Wade: ….so Bond has just slept with the villain’s girlfriend.
Purvis: (Types.) And he sneaks out of his hotel room in Monte Carlo, leaving her fast asleep in the bed.
Wade: So what now?
(They stare at each other, then cry out together.)
Purvis/Wade: Car chase!
(Purvis types furiously.)
Wade: The henchman is right behind him-
Purvis: (Typing.) But Bond is in the car which Q gave to him a few scenes ago-
Wade: And Bond uses the gadgets which Q patiently explained to him-
Purvis: (Typing very fast.) And any car gadgets which we now need to use, we can backtrack and make sure that Q has shown them to him-
Wade: The henchman leans out of his car window and shoots at Bond-
Purvis: (Still typing.) - and of course misses. Bond out-drives the pursuing car-
Wade: - which crashes straight into a fruit barrow. Bond-
(The door opens and an elegant, long-haired woman enters.)
Wade: (Nudging Purvis.) Oh, hello there, Barbara.
(He puts down his bottle of Heineken.)
Purvis: (Futilely trying to hide the screen.) Hi Barbara, how lovely to see-
BB: What are you two up to?
Purvis: Oh, nothing, nothing…
Wade: We were just, er….
BB: Let me see!
(She glares at the screen.)
BB: You were working!
Wade: No, no, we were…
Purvis: We were just…
BB: Don’t try to fool me- you were working!
Purvis: Who, us?
Wade: What, working?
BB: You were writing the script for Bond26!
Purvis: Well, Barbara, we just thought…
BB: You’re not here to think- you’re here to do what I tell you!
Wade: But Barbara, it’s such a long gap and the next film-
BB: The next film will be ready when I say it’s ready. And the script will be written when I say it will be written.
Purvis: But it would save so much time if-
BB: Quiet! I will tell you when it is time to save time. And we will wait until that moment.
(She leaves, slamming the door.)
Purvis: Ouch.
Wade: What are we going to do? We’ve got so much good material here.
Purvis: Easy. We convert it into another Johnny English film.
Wade: Yeah! Let’s phone Rowan right now!
Heartwarming, a glowing tribute. Thank you @Barbel this is wonderful.
Thank you, CHB.
1967. Pinewood Studios, shooting of “You Only Live Twice”.
Lewis Gilbert: Okay, are you ready Sean?
Connery: I shupposhe sho.
Gilbert: Donald?
Pleasence: Yes, I’m ready.
Gilbert: Right… action!
(Explosions start. Blofeld’s cat starts to get frightened.)
Connery: Impregnable?
Pleasence: Come with me, Mr Bo-- ow! Bloody hell!
Gilbert: Cut! What’s up, Donald?
Pleasence: It’s this damn cat- it scratched me!
Gilbert: Oh.
Connery: Maybe it’sh read the shcript?
Pleasence: It’s drawn blood- look!
Gilbert: Is it bad, Donald?
Pleasence: No, I don’t think so but it’s stained my jacket.
Gilbert: Do you want first aid?
Pleasence: No, I’ll live, but there’s a blood stain on my jacket. Do we have another?
Gilbert: Afraid not, they were all fitted to Jan Werich and that’s the only one we’ve got in your size.
Pleasence: Then we’ll have to clean it.
Gilbert: Yes, you’re right. Bill!
William Cartlidge: I’m on it, Lewis.
(A stage hand gets a wet cloth and cleans up Blofeld’s jacket.)
Pleasence: What do you think, Lewis?
Gilbert: The bloodstain has gone, but you can still see where the cat has clawed at your jacket.
Pleasence: Well, as you say we don’t have another so we’ll have to go with it as it is.
Gilbert: Yes, I think so. How’s the cat?
Pleasence: Seems to have calmed down.
Gilbert: Right, then. Places everybody… Take 2!
Connery: Impregnable?
(More explosions start. The cat is terrified and starts desperately clawing at Pleasence.)
Pleasence: Come with me, Mr- oh for f*ck’s sake!
(He drops the cat as blood trickles down from his arms.)
Gilbert: Cut!
Pleasence: You’re damn right, cut! Both my hands!
Gilbert: Where did the cat go?
Pleasence: The cat can go where it likes, I need patched up here!
Gilbert: Donald-
Pleasence: I’m going home- we can start again tomorrow!
(He leaps on a monorail car and disappears.)
😂😂😂
I bet a pet iguana would have been far less trouble!
Indeed! Well since you liked that, here's just a little bit more...
1967. Later, at the Royal Premiere.
Cubby: ...and this is our villain, Donald Pleasence.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Pleasence.
Pleasence: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: One has seen photographs of you in this film, stroking a white cat. Are you a cat person, Mr Pleasence?
(Sean Connery and Lewis Gilbert exchange looks and try very hard not to laugh out loud.)
Pleasence; Ah, well, er, so you like corgis, ma’am?
The Queen: Oh yes, they are adorable little dogs.
(Connery pokes Pleasence in the side.)
Pleasence: (Kicking Connery’s ankle.) Yes, they certainly seem so.
The Duke: So, are you a pussy person, Pleasence?
The Queen: Philip!
Cubby: (Wanting to move on quickly.) Next, ma’am, we have...
😆😆😆
The late Duke was a card, wasn't he?
A true story. My grandparents once told me of how they got chatting to Donald Pleasence on a flight to London from overseas - I think, from Holland - at some point in the mid sixties. They'd had no idea who he was and just started nattering to hìm, they said, when they realised he was English - or it might have been the other way around. He told them he was an actor and that he was flying back to make a film, at short notice. They only realised how well known he was later, after seeing him in a film on TV... probably 'The Great Escape'. I like to think that they'd met him on his way to film YOLT, after things had fallen through with Jan Werich, though I've no way of finding out now... Apparently he was "a very nice man"...
Great story!
Wow, beautiful story!
WARNING; Not suitable for family audiences.
11th September 2022. Perth, Australia. An orchestra manager telephones an actor who shall remain anonymous, but he once played James Bond.
Manager: George? George? Is that you?
Actor: Yeah, it’s me. Just gimme a moment, will ya? I really tied one on last night and my mouth’s like a koala’s armpit.
Manager: Never mind that. Is it true what I’m hearing about what you did last night?
Actor: (With practised ease.) Hey, just hold on there one moment! She told me that she was eighteen, I swear that she looked eighteen, and-
Manager: No, not that.
Actor: Oh. What is it, then?
Manager: I am referring to what you said at the theatre.
Actor: What, the bit when I told the conductor he was the worst musician I’d ever met and he could stick his baton up hi-
Manager: No, not even that. I mean the part when you were speaking to the audience. You know, the public.
Actor: Oh, yeah?
Manager: When the orchestra were getting ready to play “From Russia With Love”, you were supposed to mention that this came out in 1963 and tell us a few fascinating facts about that year.
Actor: ‘Strewth, that’s exactly what I did! I told then that 1963 was the year I met big Sheila from Melbourne and she loved to get her mouth around my-
Manager: Yes, yes, we know what she liked to do. The entire audience were left in no doubt of what she liked to do. Then, for 1967, you were only supposed to talk about “You Only Live Twice”.
Actor: But 1967 was the year that I was with lovely Adelaide from Adelaide. Oh man, she had the biggest-
Manager: Yes, George.
Actor: -Pair of-
Manager: Thank you, George, I think we all get the picture. Speaking of which, you really didn’t need to show those pictures to the audience.
Actor: They wouldn’t have believed me otherwise!
Manager: Then we get to 1969…
Actor: Oh, ‘69, yeah. And never was a year better named….
Manager: But you didn’t have to go into such great detail.
Actor: That was the year I got to be James Bond! Of course I had to go into detail! Especially about the part when I had two girls at once, one sitting on my-
Manager: George, that is exactly what the audience didn’t want to hear! That is why we got all the complaints! And that is why we’re dropping you from this tour.
Actor: Aw cobblers, you gotta be kidding me!
Manager: Definitely not. Now, back to Pommieland you go and we have to find another narrator. I think I'll try Idris Elba, or Tom Hardy, or Aidan Turner, or....
(The Actor hangs up.)
Classic 🤣🤣🤣
Thank you!
The backlash against dear George is wokism gone wild!!! 😁😁😂
In the jargon, he appears to have "misread the room". Wouldn't have worried me but I'm not your average audience member (devoted Bond fan, old enough to remember him being announced as the new James Bond).
He's been telling these stories for years, but you have to edit them according to your audience.
I mean, could you imagine Sir Roger getting into this kind of trouble? He spent a few years talking to audiences and both charmed and delighted them without any controversy.
So what George did was completely different from when I posted about cod tongues? 😉
I don't understand "cod tongues".
Should I explain it or should I read the room?
I'm not sure if I want it explained! Perhaps a PM would be best.
On George Lazenby, I don't know the details of what he's supposed to have said (Barbel's parody sounds scarily plausible) but it must have been offensive to people. Not exactly media-smart of any celeb to get themselves cancelled...