Imaginary Conversations



  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    This is for @chrisno1 and @caractacus potts

    1972. Eon HQ, in an apartment in Amsterdam. Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman are talking with the director of “Live And Let Die”, Guy Hamilton.

    Cubby: So Guy, you’re about ten days into shooting. How’s things?

    Guy: Not too bad. I’m not too sure about this Sheriff Pepper character, though, he’s a bit over the top.

    Harry: Nah, he’s funny, Guy, you gotta use him.

    Guy: If you say so. Now, there’s something I have to talk to you about.

    Cubby: Oh? What’s that?

    Guy: It’s Roger- he’s too nice!

    Harry: Yeah, he’s a lovely guy, Guy.

    Guy: He’s too lovely!

    Cubby: Is it because every time he has to punch a bad guy he says something like “I’m terribly sorry about this, old chap” before he hits him?

    Guy: No, I can cut around that easily enough.

    Harry: Is it because he closes his eyes when he shoots his gun?

    Guy: No, I can just film him from the back.

    Harry: Well, what is it then?

    Guy: It’s that every time somebody calls him “James Bond” he stops and looks in the air, about six inches above his head.

    Cubby: Old habits die hard.

  • chrisno1chrisno1 LondonPosts: 1,980MI6 Agent

    Thank You, Barbel !

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    We aim to please here at AST.... er, I mean AJB.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff
    edited June 12

    1958. Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming sits at his typewriter.

    Anne Fleming: Ian, for heaven’s sake, will you stop battering away at that old typewriter?

    Ian: Can’t stop now, my love, I’m on a roll.

    Anne: Let me see.

    Ian: No, don’t-

    (Anne grabs at the manuscript.)

    Anne: (Reading.) “It was a naked girl, her back to him…” Ian!

    Ian: I’m introducing the heroine of this novel, Honeychile Rider.

    Anne: But she’s naked!

    Ian: Yes, she is.

    Anne: This is worse than your last one, where Bond finds the girl Tatania naked in his bed at the hotel.

    Ian: No, no, she wasn’t naked.

    Anne: Yes she was!

    Ian: No, she had black stockings and a black velvet ribbon round her neck.

    Anne: Ian!

    Ian: It’s true. She wasn’t naked.

    Anne: Well, the girl in the novel before was.

    Ian: No, no. Tiffany Case was wearing bra and pants.

    Anne: I’m beginning to see a pattern here.

    Ian: Why, whatever do you mean, darling?

    Anne: I’ll let this go, as long as you promise that in your next book the first girl Bond sees isn’t wearing next to nothing.

    Ian: Of course! I promise, my love.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    2019. “Knives Out” premiere.

    Charles: Ah, good evening Mr Craig.

    Craig: Good evening, Your Highness.

    Charles: Bit of a change for you from those James Bond films.

    Craig: Yes sir, you might say that.

    Charles: I remember that time you took my mother up in a helicopter and the two of you parachuted out above Wembley Stadium.

    Craig: Ah… Yes, sir.

    Charles: I was all worked up for a few moments. I, er, don’t suppose you fancy doing something like that again?

    Craig: (Confused.) I’m not with you, sir.

    Charles: Well, you know, you’re always doing these fantastic stunts. I know my mother enjoyed that one very much and I would like very much for you to do the same again. If you get what I mean, Sir Daniel…

    Craig: (Light dawning.) Sir Daniel… Ah, I do see what you mean.

    Charles: I mean, perhaps in your next Bond film you might like to include her in one of your stunts?

    Craig: Well, I suppose she could sit in the Aston Martin while I turn it round and round very quickly and use the machine guns to kill off the bad guys.

    Charles: Yes, yes, but…. Perhaps something more dangerous?

    Craig: Maybe join me when I jump off a bridge?

    Charles: Yes, that’s more like it!

    Craig: Of course she’d have to hold on to the safety rope.

    Charles: (Disappointed.) Ah, well, perhaps something else?

    Craig: Well, I guess she could stand with me while I watch some missiles land in front of me?

    Charles: Doesn’t sound very dangerous.

    Craig: Oh I assure you sir, it most certainly will be.

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,634MI6 Agent
    edited June 13

    As a follow-on to #2061

    [Gibralter, 1987. Aboard Linda's yacht.]


    It's all so boring here, Margot. There's nothing but playboys and tennis pros. If only I could find a real man.

    Bond [parachuting in]:

    I need to use your phone. She'll call you back.


    Who are you?


    Bond. James Bond. Exercise control, OO7 here. I'll report in an hour.

    Linda [holding out a drink to him]:

    Won't you join me?


    Better make that two.

    [Two hours later...]

    Goodness me, is that the time? Well, it's been great to have had this conversation with you, Linda. We've cared, shared, drunk your wine and related to each other with authentic empathy in a platonic context. You've patiently heard me out on my reconstructed view that monogamy with a life partner is the only ethical way forward for relationships in the 1980s, and you've accepted my socially aware disavowal of phallocentric paradigms of sexual politics...but now I really must get back to Exercise Control!

    [Bond gives a farewell wave then dives overboard for his swim to the shore.]


    [Phones her friend back.] It's more boring here than ever, Margot. There's nothing but playboys, tennis pros, misty-eyed 'new men' from MI6 with 'right on' attitudes... and a-ha!

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    With thanks to the guys at

    1989. Eon HQ, inside a giant golf ball in a cold location.

    MGW: Cubby, we have a problem with the title of the new movie.

    Cubby: “Licence Revoked”? What’s wrong with it?

    MGW: Well, it appears that a survey carried out in, er, a certain very important market shows that many people seem to think it’s about a driving licence.

    Cubby: What? What do you mean?

    MGW: A lot of people seem to think that it’s about James Bond having his driving licence taken away from him.

    Cubby: That’s ridiculous!

    MGW: Also they seem to want it to be spelled “License” rather than “Licence”.

    Cubby: No way- it’s staying “Licence”!

    MGW: It seems we have to think of a new title. Also, it’s very like a John Gardner James Bond book, “Licence Renewed”.

    BB: How about “This Gun For Hire”?

    Cubby: Can’t do that, it’s been done.

    BB: That didn’t stop you with “Moonraker”!

    Cubby: That’s totally different- it says “The”.

    MGW: Well, we definitely have to think of something.

    BB: “Bits Of Live And Let Die We Forgot To Include +Vague Ideas From The Man With The Golden Gun”?

    Cubby: Don’t be silly, Barbara.

    MGW: “Risico”?

    BB: There he goes again with the short story titles- next thing he’ll be asking for “Quantum Of Solace”!

    Cubby: Over my dead body!

    (BB and MGW share a look.)

    BB: Of course, Dad.

    MFW: Whatever you say, Cubby.

    Cubby: No, we definitely have to have the word “Licence”, because everybody knows James Bond has a licence to kill.

    MGW: Say that again, Cubby?

    Cubby: Everybody knows James Bond has a-

    MGW/BB: “Licence To Kill”!

    Cubby: “Licence To Kill”…. I can just see the poster now...

    MGW: Oh no, I'm sure we can come up with a better one than that.

    Cubby: Yeah! What could possibly go wrong?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    1981. Eon HQ, in a building in Venice. Cubby Broccoli sits waiting. The door opens, and a very tired looking Michael G. Wilson enters.

    Cubby: Michael, my boy! Glad to see you!

    MGW: (Panting.) Glad to see you too, Cubby.

    Cubby: Sit down, sit down. (MGW sits.) Been busy, have you?

    MGW: You might say that. You know, of course, that “Moonraker” was a very successful film for us?

    Cubby: Of course I know that.

    MGW: It was a hit all over the world.

    Cubby: Yes, and I’m very happy about that.

    MGW: ...which means there were copies of it everywhere. Europe, USA, Asia, Australia, South America….

    Cubby: Naturally.

    MGW: So, when you told me to find every copy of the film and erase Dolly’s braces I had to go all over the world and find every copy.

    Cubby: Yes….

    MGW: I don’t think you realise how hard a task this was!

    Cubby: Oh, I do, and Michael don’t think that I don’t appreciate all the hard work you’ve done.

    MGW: Yes, Dad, but why on earth would you want me to do this?

    Cubby: It’s all to do with the mystique of Bond. We have to give the fans something to worry about, to talk about, to dream about.

    MGW: Surely you don’t think they’ll even notice this?

    Cubby: I promise you they’ll notice. They noticed Bond’s facemask changing colour underwater in “Thunderball”. They noticed the car in “Diamonds Are Forever” going into the alley on one side then coming back out on the other.

    MGW: But they won’t be talking about it forty years later!

    Cubby: Oh, yes, they will. And we’ve just given them something they will never, ever stop talking about. They’ll watch the film in the cinema; they’ll buy the VHS and the Betamax tapes just to be sure. When there’s new technology, they’ll buy that and they will check and rewind.

    MGW: No-one would do all that.

    Cubby: No? Let’s just see….

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    1962. Pinewood Studios.

    Harry Saltzman: So, Maurice, you have something to show us.

    Maurice Binder: That’s right, I’ve been working on something to open the movie with.

    Cubby Broccoli: Your idea being…?

    Maurice: I thought we should have some sort of trademark. You said you wanted to make a few of these James Bond films, and it would be a good idea if we had a distinguishing opening to let the audience know these films are all one series.

    Harry: Sounds good.

    Cubby: So, what have you got?

    (Maurice sets up a screen and projector.)

    Maurice: Ready? Let’s see it…

    (The screen goes black. A series of white dots move across the screen before one stops, opening out into a view down the barrel of a gun. A man walks on, turns and fires a gun directly at the viewer. A red wash descends.)

    Harry: Wha…? What was that?

    Cubby: Run it again, Maurice.

    (Maurice runs it again.)

    Harry: What am I supposed to be seeing? Is that the view down a telescopic sight?

    Maurice: No, we’re looking down the barrel of a gun.

    Cubby: Gunbarrel… I like it.

    Harry: You can’t see down the barrel of a gun!

    Maurice: Yes, but-

    Harry: And you can’t see Connery’s face!

    Maurice: That’s because it isn’t Sean Connery- it’s Bob Simmons.

    Cubby: Ah, that’s why you wanted to borrow him for a day.

    Maurice: Yes, of course. It’s also why he’s wearing a hat.

    Harry: I don’t like it! It’s terrible!

    Maurice: Perhaps if I just add this in…

    Harry: Great! Let’s go with it!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff
    edited June 21

    What happened-

    1969. At the foot of Piz Gloria, Switzerland. Irma Bunt trudges through the snow and comes across Ernst Stavro Blofeld, hanging by the neck from a tree.

    Bunt: Ach, nein, lieber Ernst! Lieber Ernst!

    Blofeld: Ohh...

    (She carefully disentangles Blofeld from the tree and carries him to a waiting car.)

    Blofeld: Ahhhh…

    Bunt: Lie still, mein Ernst. I’ll take care of you.

    (She drives him to the nearest hospital.)

    Dr: I’m afraid that Herr…. What was it again?

    Bunt: Schmidt. Herr Schmidt.

    Dr: ….Schmidt… Ja…. Herr Schmidt has suffered a serious injury to his neck. He is most fortunate to have survived.

    Bunt: Oh….

    Dr: However, if he wears a neck brace for some time I am sure he will make a complete recovery by, oh, two years from now.

    Bunt: Oh…. Will be be able to drive a car?

    Dr: Drive a car? How soon?

    Bunt: Very soon.

    Dr: Frankly I do not recommend that. If he does, even though he may recover he may suffer a relapse in about twelve years. In fact, he may need a wheelchair as well as a neck brace.

    What should have happened-

    1969. At the foot of Piz Gloria. James Bond is being licked by a friendly St Bernard.

    Bond: Never mind that, go and get the brandy! Five star Hennesey, of course.

    (He disentangles himself from the attentions of the St Bernard, then walks back up the run to where Blofeld branched off and is still hanging from the tree, just in time to see Irma Bunt trudging towards him.)

    Bunt: Ach, nein, lieber Ernst! Lieber Ernst!

    (Bond draws his gun and carefully puts two bullets in each of their heads. Satisfied, he turns and walks off humming a few bars of "We Have All The Time In The World"….)

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 4,661MI6 Agent

    EON HQ 1968 - Script Discussion

    Cubby: So, Peter, how are we introducing George as the new 007?

    Peter: I thought we’d go back to Dr. No and put your names on the gunbarrel sequence. A new Bond, the same Bond, but starting a new era so we introduce him the same way, close up shots, lighting a cigarette etc. etc.

    Harry: I like that idea! The same gunbarrel?

    Peter: He’ll do a different pose when shooting - kneel down or something.

    Harry: Ok, ok, but George usually likes the girls to kneel down to him…(chortles at his own joke)

    Cubby: So, Richard, how are we getting over the fact that Bond has met Blofeld before?

    Richard: Plastic surgery is an idea.

    Peter: No, no, no. I’m trying to make the definitive Bond film that relates to the books. Whose idea was it to film You Only Live Twice first, anyway? I mean, you have read the books haven’t you?

    Cubby widens his eyes to Harry. Harry shrugs his shoulders back to Cubby.

    Richard: He could wear a beard.

    Harry: No, no, no. Bond with a beard, ridiculous.

    Cubby: A Jason King disguise?

    Peter: This is getting ridiculous, you’ll be wanting him dressed as a gorilla or a clown, next.

    Cubby’s eyes widen and he makes some notes on his pad.

    Harry: Or we could disguise Blofeld as a woman to throw Bond off the scent?

    Peter: That’s never happening. Not on my watch.

    Cubby’s eyes widen again, and another note is jotted down on his pad.

    Harry: I could licence the Harry Palmer character (inwardly grinning at an extra fee) he could join Bond on the mission, he could even have a beard!

    Peter: No, no. Please! You promised me full control on this movie. Maurice - you’ve been quiet - any ideas of how we can do this in the title sequence?

    Maurice: Hmmm…I’ve been thinking… how about showing scenes from the previous movies to let people know this is still the same James Bond, just a different actor, then surreptitiously put a clock face with the hands going backwards to indicate that this movie is taking place BEFORE You Only Live Twice, henceforth negating the fact that they’ve met before?

    Harry and Cubby (both together): No one will read into that.

    Peter and Richard (both together): I love it!

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    That must be imaginary, cos Harry and Cubby are actually agreeing about something!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    1967. Eon HQ, behind a huge image of Anita Ekberg, Istanbul. Casting for “You Only Live Twice.”

    Lewis Gilbert: Right, we’re looking for the henchman who gets killed by Bond’s missile-firing cigarette, thus allowing him to open the volcano and let Tiger and his men get in.

    William Cartlidge: Shall I call the first candidate in?

    Lewis: Sure, go ahead.

    (William goes to the door and calls for the first candidate, who enters.)

    Lewis: Come in, please have a seat. What’s your name?

    Candidate: Anthony Chinn.

    Lewis: Well, Anthony, we’re looking for someone who appears Oriental since this movie is set in Japan, and also looks sturdy enough to give James Bond trouble in a fight.

    Anthony: I believe I fit that bill.

    Lewis: Indeed you do, indeed you do. You also have to be working a control panel, which Bond will take over from you.

    Anthony: That’s no problem- I’ve done that before.

    William: What?

    Lewis: You’ve done that before?

    Anthony: Sure- in “Dr No”. Sounds pretty much the same thing.

    Lewis: Well, I think we’ve found our man.

    Anthony: I was in “Goldfinger”, too.

    Lewis: And what did you do there? Did you fight James Bond?

    Anthony: Oh no- I just gave him a drink.

    William: Let me guess- vodka martini, shaken not stirred?

    Anthony: No, it was a mint julep.

    Lewis: You’ve got the part. Go see the secretary and do the paperwork.

    Anthony: Yes, Mr Gilbert. But… you wouldn’t have a part for my sister as well, would you?

    Lewis: Your sister?

    Anthony: Yes, she’s outside.

    Lewis: Well, we are looking for a girl for the pre-credits sequence, one who can give Bond the very best duck.

    Anthony: Shall I send her in?

    Lewis: By all means.

    Anthony: I’ll go and do that.

    (He gets up.)

    Anthony: Who knows, maybe I’ll be in another James Bond movie eventually.

    Lewis: Unless you drop out….

  • chrisno1chrisno1 LondonPosts: 1,980MI6 Agent

    Classy !

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 4,661MI6 Agent

    Excellent, and of course, the lovely Tsai Chin turned up in CR (2006) too!

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    Indeed she did 🙂.

    Thanks guys!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    1973. Jonathan Cape, Publishers. John Pearson comes in.

    Publisher: Ah, have a seat John.

    Pearson: Thank you. (Sits.)

    Publisher: We were very pleased with your “The Life Of Ian Fleming” back in 66.

    Pearson: I’m glad you liked it.

    Publisher: Being the first biography of Fleming it sold very well, and the paperback did fine too.

    Pearson: Yes, I noticed that.

    Publisher: So, what was it you wanted to talk about?

    (Pearson produces a manuscript.)

    Pearson: I’ve been working on this.

    Publisher: And what is this?

    Pearson: After the Fleming biography I thought that there was only one way to go, and so I’ve written “James Bond: The Authorised Biography”.

    Publisher: A biography of James Bond?

    Pearson: Yes, I’ve discussed it with Glidrose and they’re happy about it.

    Publisher: That was going to be the first question I asked! We can't go any further without their permission. However, how can you write a biography of a fictional character?

    Pearson: Well, I’ve treated it as if Bond isn’t fictional. He’s a real man, Fleming knew him and was engaged by M to write his series of novels to make the Russians think that he was only fictional.

    Publisher: But that’s unbelievable! The Russians would know he was real after all the adventures that he had against their agents- Le Chiffre, Mr Big, Rosa Klebb, Red Grant, Dr No and so on.

    Pearson: The Fleming stories sowed the seed of doubt in their minds. They’d think no one man could have done all that- perhaps, they might think, it was just a code name shared by several agents.

    Publisher: Code name? I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous.

    Pearson: Yes, I agree it’s ridiculous but nevertheless Fleming managed to sell M on the idea and get enough information to write his novels, changing just enough details to keep the opposition unsure. And every now and then he would drop in something completely fictional like “Moonraker”, again to keep them unsure. Some would believe it, some wouldn’t. And the real James Bond would have a certain amount of heat kept off him and enough freedom to go about his business.

    Publisher: So, your book…?

    Pearson: Well, I’ve made it seem like my biography of Fleming brought me to the attention of Bond and M, and they contacted me to write a biography of Bond. I’ve covered some of the Fleming cases, added a few others, and written that they hope that perhaps this may again confuse the Russians as to whether James Bond is real or not.

    Publisher: Hmmm…. Well, it’s been a while since we got Kingsley Amis to write “Colonel Sun” so perhaps this might be a good idea. All right, John, you’re on- we’ll publish it.

    Pearson: That’s fine, I’m glad you like the idea.

    Publisher: I'm pretty sure there'll be a paperback later, as well.

    Pearson: Great!

    (Pearson walks down the stairs and out to the car park. A dark-haired man with a scar down one cheek is waiting there leaning against his silver/grey car, smoking a Morland cigarette with three gold rings.)

    Man: How did it go?

    Pearson: They bought the idea. It’ll be published soon.

    Man: Wonderful, thank you.

    (They get into the rather beautiful 1964 car and drive off….)

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 4,661MI6 Agent

    Lovely stuff, Barbel. And true…? 😉

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    😉 It's as true as anything in that book (which I recommend to anyone who has not yet read it).

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,388MI6 Agent

    good one @Barbel

    I just wish the Bond Biography was easier to find, it ought to be better known.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    202…? The new James Bond is driving his rather beautiful 1964 Aston Martin at speed through the country lanes in S/E England, an attractive lady in the passenger seat.

    Serena: James, is it really necessary to drive so fast?

    Bond: More often than you’d think.

    Serena: I enjoy a spirited ride as much as the next girl but-

    (The road leads onto a motorway, at which point a stylish red Ferrari driven by a gorgeous raven-haired woman overtakes them. Bond switches gears and accelerates.)

    Serena: Who’s that?

    Bond: The next girl.

    (He overtakes the Ferrari, giving the driver a charming smile, but…)

    Bond: Damn!

    (Both cars come screeching to a halt in front of a red light with a sign saying “Road works. Finished by 2021”.)

    Serena: James, stop this!

    Bond: But of course.

    (The light changes to green, and Bond courteously waves the Ferrari ahead. Both cars race through, knocking Cary Joji Fukunaga from his cycle.)

    Serena: You’re just trying to show off the size of your-

    (Again both cars come screeching to a halt.)

    Bond: Oh, no.

    Serena: What is it?

    Bond: We’ve ended up on the M25. This queue will go on for hours.

    Serena: But if we’ve stopped, why is your rev counter going so fast?

    Bond: That’s not the rev counter, dear. (Sadly.) That’s the fuel gauge.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,214Chief of Staff

    2022. Board meeting of the BBC. No, it’s still not that one- again, this is British Bulldog Ceramics.

    Chairman: Well, I think we all owe a vote of thanks to our Marketing Director.

    (Burst of applause.)

    Chairman: Once again, he has successfully managed to get our bulldog into the latest James Bond film.

    Marketing Director: Thank you, everyone, but I feel I must point out that after the starring part it had in “Skyfall”

    our bulldog only played cameo parts in the next two films.

    Chairman: No matter, no matter- each time our sales have increased!

    Manufacturing Director: And our deliberate lowering of the breakability aspect of our product has resulted in a 50% increase in replacement sales.

    Chairman: Excellent, excellent! There’s only one thing to discuss, then.

    (There is a long pause. Eventually the Marketing Director breaks the silence.)

    Marketing Director: And what is that, Mr Chairman?

    Chairman: Why, how we’re going to persuade Eon to give our bulldog a bigger part in the next James Bond film, of course!

Sign In or Register to comment.