Imaginary Conversations

16768697072

Comments

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,978MI6 Agent
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff


    1977. Eon HQ, in a hydrofoil off Nassau.


    Cubby: So, we’re all set for “The Spy Who Loved Me” then?

    Lewis Gilbert: It certainly seems like it.

    Richard Maibaum: I think the script’s all ready now.

    Cubby: It sure better be- God knows how many writers have been working on it.

    Lewis: Run through it one more time, Dick.

    Richard: Of course. We have S.P.E.C.T.R.E. being led by Blofeld stealing nuclear missiles to threaten New York. They have an underwater base that can surface, robot sharks, and a gigantic henchman.

    Cubby: Sounds just like what we want.

    (Michael G. Wilson suddenly enters.)

    MGW: Cubby, guys, I’ve just had news you gotta hear.

    Cubby: What? Tell us!

    MGW: Kevin McClory has announced plans for a James Bond film called “Warhead”. He has S.P.E.C.T.R.E. being led by Blofeld stealing nuclear missiles to threaten New York. They have an underwater base that can surface, robot sharks, and a gigantic henchman.

    Richard: (Facepalm.) Oh God…

    Lewis: That sounds very familiar.

    Cubby: Any more, Michael?

    MGW: Yes- he’s got Sean Connery.

    Richard: (Double facepalm.) Oh God…

    Cubby: Now don’t panic yet, guys, Roger has been doing just fine for us and I’m sure will continue to do exactly that.

    Lewis: But we’ve already started on the sets, and hired that huge guy Richard Kiel to play the henchman.

    Cubby: I can tell you’ve not told us everything yet, Michael.

    MGW: No, I haven’t. (Sighs deeply.) McClory is threatening to sue if we use Blofeld, S.P.E.C.T.R.E. or any parts of his script.

    Richard: (Head in hands on the table.) Oh God…

    Cubby: We can handle this.

    Lewis: But how?

    Cubby: Richard, take out all mentions of Blofeld and his gang. Take out the robot sharks and the nuclear missiles.

    Richard: I have to replace them with something, Cubby.

    Lewis: Nuclear torpedoes?

    Cubby: We have to think big- nuclear submarines!

    MGW: Submarines?

    Richard: We can use my tanker idea that we didn’t use in “Diamonds Are Forever”.

    Cubby: Yeah, and let’s not threaten New York either. Think of some other threat we can use.

    Lewis: We’ve already started building the underwater city that can surface.

    Cubby: Keep it- and keep the big fella, too.

    MGW: Do you think we can get away with that?

    Cubby: Let’s hope so….

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    PS Yes, I know the above is not 100% accurate! The true story is too long, intricate, and dull for here.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff
    edited July 17


    2008. Press launch of “Quantum Of Solace”.


    1st Reporter: Mr Craig, is it true that this is a direct sequel to “Casino Royale”?

    Craig: Yes, that’s right, we pick up only minutes after the end of that one.

    2nd Reporter: So we meet Mr White again?

    MGW: You’re just going to have to see the film to find that out.

    3rd Reporter: We’ve heard that two of the villains are called Mr Greene and Mr Slate, so Mr White would fit right in there. Maybe Mr Blue and Mr Black as well?

    BB: Again, you’re just going to have to see the movie.

    1st Reporter: Mr Craig, is it true you were injured five times during this film?

    Craig: No, no, not at all. It was only three.

    2nd Reporter: And how are your wrists?

    Craig: Just fine, thank you.

    3rd Reporter: Well, we’re all looking forward to a fun James Bond film.

    Craig: You can take your fun James Bond film and-

    BB: Daniel!

    1st Reporter: You’ll be driving the DB5, of course.

    Craig: No, not in this movie.

    2nd Reporter: Well, we’ll all enjoy you ordering a vodka martini, shaken not stirred.

    Craig: Er… no, I don't.

    2nd Reporter: At least we can all get excited when the film opens with the famous James Bond gunbarrel.

    BB: No, we don't open with the gunbarrel.

    3rd Reporter: Of course we’ll be meeting Miss Moneypenny?

    MGW: No, not in this film.

    3rd Reporter: Well, Q then.

    Craig: No Q either.

    2nd Reporter: I'm looking forward to the casino scene.

    BB: No casino scene.

    1st Reporter: Mr Craig, at least you’ll be saying “Bond. James Bond.”

    Craig: Er… no.

    1st Reporter: Mr Craig, Ms Broccoli, Mr Wilson- are you sure you've made a James Bond film?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff
    edited July 19


    2006. Eon HQ, in a hotel in Venice.


    MGW: So, we’re re-releasing all the Bond movies in new shiny editions with extras. It’ll be called the Ultimate Edition.

    BB: Didn’t we just do that a couple of years ago?

    MGW: Yes, we need something more…

    BB: We could include more of the deleted scenes we have lying about?

    MGW: No, I don’t think the fans would be interested in seeing those.

    BB: Yeah, I suppose not.

    MGW: I mean, why would the fans be interested in seeing the parts we cut out of the films?

    BB: I can't think why.

    MGW: How about a new commentary track?

    BB: How about we ask a Bond actor to do that?

    MGW: Perfect! Now… (He searches for a phone number.) Aha! (He dials.)

    Sir Roger Moore: (On phone.) Hello?

    MGW: Roger, it’s Michael and Barbara.

    Sir Roger: Good to hear from you! How is everyone?

    MGW: All fine here, Roger.

    Sir Roger: How are your families?

    BB: We’re all doing great, Roger, it’s lovely to hear you.

    Sir Roger: Now, what can I do for you?

    MGW: We’re wondering if you would mind recording a commentary track for one or two of your James Bond films.

    Sir Roger: I’d be delighted, Michael, in fact, I’ll be happy to do a commentary for all of them!

    BB: All of them?

    Sir Roger: Yes, of course- no sense in going off half-cocked.

    MGW: That’s wonderful, thank you, Roger.

    Sir Roger: Do I have to comment on Grace Jones?

    BB: Just be tactful, Roger.

    Sir Roger: But of course I’ll be tactful, Barbara. Would you expect anything less?

    BB: (Laughing.) Of course not, Roger.

    Sir Roger: Then just send me the details and I’ll be there.

    MGW: Thanks again, Roger. Goodbye now.

    Sir Roger: Bye now.

    (They hang up.)

    MGW: Well, that was easy.

    BB: Always a gentleman. Now, we do have to try to hit the jackpot…

    MGW: What? Barbara, you can’t be serious.

    BB: Everything or nothing, Michael. Let’s make the call!

    MGW: Well, if you’re sure- but you do the asking!

    (He looks up a number then dials.)

    Voice on phone: Hello? Who’sh there?

    BB: Hello, Sir Sean, how are you?

    Sir Sean: I’m jusht fine, now who ish thish?

    BB: This is Barbara Broccoli, Sir Sean, you of course knew my late fath- Hello? Hello?

    MGW: I did try to warn you, Barbara.

    BB: You try him! At least he knows you, I was just a kid at the time.

    MGW: Well, if you want. (Dials.)

    Sir Sean: Hello?

    MGW: Sir Sean, this is Michael Wilson.

    Sir Sean: Do I know you, Wilshon?

    MGW: Oh yes, we met years ago. I was with my late stepfather Cubby Bro- Hello? Hello?

    BB: What did he say?

    MGW: I think we can take that as a no.

    BB: Oh well....

    MGW: What about Dalton? I don't think he's busy with one of his television projects.

    BB: Don't you remember? He said he'd only do commentary in iambic pentameter and he'd get to do commentary on Pierce's films as well. Adults only rating guaranteed.

    MGW: Yeah, you're right.

    BB: I suppose we could ask Pierce Brosnan.....?

    MGW: Are you kidding???? My ears are still ringing from the last time we called him.

    BB: Well, maybe not. Still, there’s always George Lazenby.

    (They stare at each other, then burst out laughing.)


    Thanks to Westward_Drift for the Dalton part.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,978MI6 Agent
    edited July 22

    Never let facts her in the way of a fun story. 😁

    Personally I don't see why EON haven't gotten Lazenby and Dalton to do commentaries.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    The only reason I didn't mention Dalton is that I couldn't think of a joke involving him!

  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,923MI6 Agent

    MGW: What about Dalton? I don't think he's busy with one of his television products.

    BB: Don't you remember? He said he'd only do commentary in iambic pentameter and he'd get to do commentary on Pierce's films as well. Adults only rating guaranteed.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    Thanks W_D, it's in. 😊

  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,923MI6 Agent
    edited July 19

    You're welcome. I'm always ready to drop in a Dalton-themed joke when needed.

    Edited to add: Come to think of it, a Dalton commentary on Die Another Day would be the funniest thing he's done since Hot Fuzz.

  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,923MI6 Agent
    edited July 24

    From Barbel and me:

    What follows in an excerpt from Timothy Dalton’s lost commentary track for Die Another Day, recorded in late 2016 for the Ultimate James Bond DVD/Blu-ray collection.

    ************************************************

    Dalton: Hello, this is Timothy Dalton and welcome to the commentary track for …. what was it, “Spy Another Way”? I will be providing you with a completely unbiased commentary on this piece of.. er, film.

    Here’s the traditional gun barrel sequence. Uh, what the f*ck was that? A low res cgi bullet flying right at me? I hope they have the sense to not to use cheap cgi through the film.

    Okay, we’ve started. Surfing, eh? I keep waiting for “California Girls” to start playing. Right, they’re now on the beach. “Korea”, it says. Korea my arse, I know Wales when I see it. That rear projection is worse than Dr No.

    Now, three guys, I wonder which one of them is…. Oh, right. (Sighs.) There’s Remington there. Again. This is the fourth commentary track I’ve done for Brozzer's films today. Thank God for scotch and cigarettes.

    What do you mean "No Smoking in the recording booth"? F*ck you! Fleming's Bond smoked. I'm getting into character. I always smoke when I drink scotch. I dare you to watch this bloody film sober.

    Where was I? Oh yes...at least we've passed the surfing part. They wouldn't be stupid enough to have more surfing later, that would be completely ridiculous.

    Now Percy is taking the place of that man. Was he wearing two thick jackets under a wet suit?

    Now we’re at a muddy compound. Well, this one here is obviously the villain. What did that subtitle say, "Colonel Sun"? That sounds familiar, I must have heard it before.

    Those diamonds are less convincing than the ones lining the pig heart in my film.

    Cover blown already. Britain’s best ladies and gentlemen.

    Lots of explosions, again. I’m noticing a pattern with PB&J’s films. Here come the machine guns, again. I think he's overcompensating for something.

    Oh, a chase scene. What's that, a hovercraft? Give me an oil tanker any day. This reminds me of the boat chase in the last film. Someone needs to tell the sound editor only one Wilhelm scream per movie.

    Flame throwers. Against lots of mud. Yeah, that’s exciting.

    Didn’t he throw away the machine gun? I can’t keep track, but apparently neither can the editor.

    More bad rear projection.

    Saved by the bell?” Look, even “Mister Light Entertainment” can’t regurgitate these quips with any believably. The film critic for The Daily Mail in 1987 owes me an apology.

    The North Korean army appears without a sound and without warning. Were their trucks invisible? Imagine, invisible vehicles in a James Bond film. Preposterous.

    So Bond gets captured at the start? That's different. Still, could be worse- he could have died.

    Right, the titles. He's being beaten up, fine. Strange, I think they're playing the music from another film by mistake- I could swear that sounds like Madonna!

    Oh, I've just been told it IS Madonna. Oh well, at least she's not actually doing what she calls "acting" in the movie. That woman makes Denise Richards look like Jennifer Connolly.

    Sigmund Freud, analyze this?” Did Babs and Mikey crib the title song from that Bob DeNiro/Billy Crystal comedy? The lady torturing him is rather fetching. I hope she gets some good scenes.

    Directed by Lee Tami-who? What else has he done?

    I’m being told “XXX 2”. Is that a porno?

    I think I’ll need more scotch.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,978MI6 Agent

    🤣🤣🤣

    XXX 2? That sounds ... nasty.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff
    edited July 23


    After giving Tim Dalton a chance to air his thoughts on “Die Another Day”, Westward_Drift and I thought it only fair that Pierce Brosnan got to do a commentary for one of Dalton’s films.


    Hi, this is Pierce Brosnan giving you a commentary on... which one again? I can never tell his apart. Oh yes, "Licence To Kill". I was all set up to do the other one until NBC renewed my contract for “Remington Steele” mere hours before it was to be announced. Those basta- hmm, what’s that? All right, all right, no swearing. Anyway, they forced me to go back to being Remington and work with Stephanie Zimbalist again. My god, she was a- what? All right, all right. I’ll be polite.

    Gunbarrel… and there he is, Mr Laugh A Minute. Seriously, would it hurt to crack a smile every now and then? You're going to your best mate's wedding, after all.

    And there's Felix. How come Dalton got Felix and Craig got Felix and all I got was that lousy Jack Wade? "Hey Jimbo!" "Do you do any gardening, Jimbo?" How come he stays alive and doesn’t have pieces of him chewed off by a shark, eh? Oh that's right, he was friendly with Cubby and family. Tim never had to put up with Wade. Or Purvis either (chuckles.).

    Well, we're off to a wedding then.... Ah, of course, Felix is getting married. Can't see anything going wrong with that, now.

    Oh look, it's Benicio del Toro! How young he is there! I guess he's the villain... oh wait a minute, he's the henchman so this other guy must be the villain. Hey, he's a bit rough on his girlfriend, isn't he? Definitely the villain.

    Running around, shooting guns… what’s that ridiculous slow motion all about? Did Tamahori have a hand in this?

    Right, plane and helicopter chase…

    So he's jumping off now, going straight down. Pretty much like his career, then.

    Here's the song. Not too bad, nearly as good as "GoldenEye". Maybe if they asked me I could sing them an ABBA song or two? ... What's that? ... No, I realise it won't be necessary now. Or ever.

    How come I never got to do this kind of film? I asked Eon again and again for something dark and gritty and what did they give me? An invisible car and surfing over icebergs….

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff


    Excerpt from the unreleased Sir Roger Moore commentary for “Diamonds Are Forever”.


    Moore: Hello, and welcome. This is Roger Moore and I’ve been asked to give a few words about this film.

    Ah, there’s Sean Connery. Sean and I were always good friends, we have been for many years. I remember one time we went out to dinner- now, was it an Italian restaurant or an Indian one? There were a large number of splendid Italian restaurants close at hand, so many excellent ones that I’d hate to pick a favourite. Well, the waiter was very nice and when we arrived he said “Good evening Mr Bond and Mr Bond, I’ve been expecting you”. Oh, how we laughed. Well, I laughed anyway, Sean doesn’t like that sort of thing. He was an excellent waiter and I gave him a large tip at the end of the meal. Or perhaps Sean did, I can’t remember. The meal was good, too.

    Now here’s Blofeld. Ernst Stavro Blofeld. He was in a lot of Sean’s movies. Never in mine, curiously enough- well, not by name. I did drop some bald-headed chap in a wheelchair down a high chimney though we never said he was Blofeld. I enjoyed shooting that scene- I was in a helicopter, you see, or at least my stunt double was and I was in the studio. We were supposed to be in London. Lovely chap, my stunt double, we became such good friends. That was in the early ‘80s. Now was that in my sixth or seventh James Bond film?

    Harry Saltzman & Albert R. Broccoli present….” I used to play backgammon with Cubby in between takes. We had great fun, and we were good friends. I used to say he was trying to get back the money he paid me to play James Bond.

    Ah, there’s Shirley singing. Dear Shirley. We’ve always been such close friends. She sang the song for one of my Bond films, you know. “Moonraker”, I think it was. Yes, that’s right- (Sings.) “Moonraker! He’s the man, the man with the Midas touch”. Or something like that, it’s been a long time.

    Directed by Guy Hamilton” it says. Of course, Guy directed a few of the Bond films, including two of mine, “Live And Let Die” and “The Man With The Golden Gun”. “Live And Let Die” was my first, of course, and Guy certainly helped me settle into the part. He was a lovely chap and we became good friends.

    Oh, I remember- it was definitely me who tipped the waiter.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,978MI6 Agent

    In my mind I'm reading it in RM's voice in my head. That's definately what he said in the commentary he didn't do, word by word! 😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    That was my plan, to try to make you read it in his voice. The next one is the obvious one....

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff
    edited July 25

    Excerpt from Sir Sean Connery's unreleased 2016 commentary for "The Spy Who Loved Me".


    Hello, they’ve ashked me to give shome commentsh on this film, “The Shpy Who Loved Me”.

    Right, here’sh the gunbarrel and here comesh Roger. Dear Lord, what are thoshe troushersh like? Thoshe flaresh look like parachutesh!

    Now we’re on a shubmarine. Humph, call that a shubmarine? Shee my movie “The Hunt For Red October” and you'll shee what a shubmarine looksh like! We had a casht of good actorsh in that, and Alec Baldwin wash there too. I wash the captain, and Sham Neill wash my right-hand man.

    He told me he’d teshted for the part of Bond, and I told him not to bother with being a shexisht mishogynishtic dinoshaur- in fact he’d be better not being involved with dinoshaursh at all! Turnsh out I wash quite wrong about that.

    Ah, dear old Bernard Lee. And there'sh Loish, too. I missh them. Would have been nice to have had them in "Never Shay Never Again" but Cubby wouldn't let Loish do it and old Bernard had died.

    Now there’sh a lovely lady. Russian agent XXX, apparently. I wouldn't mind sheeing her in the flesh shometime. Hmmm? What'sh that? Ah, I'm being told she'sh married to one of The Beatlesh. Obvioushly not Ringo, didn’t know Paul wash free again.

    Sho, he'sh shkiing now, ish he? Shkiing in the shnow. Or shomebody ish, anyway. If he won't even run without a double then I shertainly doubt he'sh going to shki.

    Ah, he’sh killing off the bad guysh- one of them ish the one that wash with XXX earlier. Musht be a plot point.

    Now they’ve got him cornered. He’sh heading for a cliff and… he shkish shtraight off! What the hell? Ah, he’sh got a parachute! With a Union Jack! That’sh a good shtunt and a good gag. Now thoshe trousher flaresh make shenshe! It wash foreshadowing!

    Right, now we’re into the title shong. “Nobody Doesh It Better”, eh? Oh, you think not? I think you’ll find you’re wrong about that!

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,699MI6 Agent

    Loving these... especially the pitch perfect Roger Moore commentary on DAF...

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,978MI6 Agent

    "Shkiing in the shnow". That's our sir Sean! 👍

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    Thank you, gentlemen. 🙂

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff


    Excerpt from the unreleased 2016 commentary by George Lazenby on “Casino Royale”.

    Lazenby: G’day, and welcome. This is George Lazenby and I’ll be doing the commentary for this Royal Casino movie.

    No gunbarrel, eh? Straight in to… a toilet? Seriously, we’re introducing this James Bond in a lav? And wasn’t he supposed to be blond?

    My God, those titles are bright! Wish I’d brought my sunnies so I could read them.

    Thank God that’s over. What do we have now…..? Four old guys in a car. And they’re going to meet… James Bond??? This is James Bond? I thought the guy in the lav was James Bond! This guy ain’t blond either, and he looks old- as old as Roger Moore in “A View To A Kill”. Well, nearly. And what’s with that silly little moustache? I’ve seen this guy somewhere before… Got it, he was stealing diamonds in a Pink Panther movie!

    Oh wait, I’m being told something… Wrong movie, whaddya mean “wrong movie”? This is ”Royal Casino”, ain’t it? …. All right, “Casino Royal” then, have it your way. …. Whaddya mean there’s another movie with the same title? …. Oh, right then.


    Ahem.


    G’day, and welcome. This is George Lazenby and I’ll be doing the commentary for this “Royal Casino” movie…. Okay, okay, “Casino Royal”, that better?

    Still no gunbarrel. And it’s in black and white. They must have wanted to save some money, I suppose.

    Some man going into an office and there’s a guy in a chair waiting for him…. Hey right, this is James Bond! Now I see why it’s in black and white- people made so much fuss about this guy being blond and that’s less noticeable in black and white. Good call.

    Flashback now to some fighting. Good fight.

    Right, we’re back to the office again. Hey, Bond shoots him!

    Now we’re back to the fight again. That set is bloody awful, it looks like they’re fighting in a public toilet… Oh right, they are in a public toilet. Just like the other movie, then! Bond wins, obviously. But the bad guy ain’t dead and he picks up a gun and…

    Ah, NOW we get the gunbarrel! Strange place to put it.

    Okay, the titles. Cards, fighting… Hey, where are the ladies?! Ten minutes into this bloody movie and no ladies!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff


    1963. The Llewelyn household. Desmond returns home.


    Desmond: Hello, my darling, I’m back.

    Mrs L: Hello, darling.

    (They kiss.)

    Mrs L: So tell me all about it- how was your day?

    Desmond: Oh, pretty straightforward actually. I had to give James Bond a briefcase full of secret gadgets, and show him how they worked.

    Mrs L: But Desmond, you’re terrible with that sort of thing!

    Desmond: Yes, but they made it all so easy. The director was very patient and helpful and Sean Connery was very nice.

    Mrs L: Did you meet anyone else?

    Desmond: Yes, I had lines with Lois Maxwell and Bernard Lee. They were a pleasure to work with.

    Mrs L: How wonderful!

    Desmond: Yes, I’m glad I got the part.

    Mrs L: Do you think you’ll be back in the next one?

    Desmond: Oh yes- they said something about giving him a car. If I’m lucky I can have this part for years and years.

    Mrs L: You’re joking!

    Desmond: I never joke about my work, darling.


    1964. Desmond returns home.

    Mrs L: How did it go today, darling?

    Desmond: Oh, fine, fine. I gave him the car.

    Mrs L: Did you hear anything about the next one?

    Desmond: Yes, looks like I may have to go to the Bahamas.

    Mrs L: The Bahamas?


    1965.

    Desmond: Yes, the Bahamas. Now, next time it's Japan.

    Mrs L: Japan?


    1967.

    Desmond: Yes, Japan. Now, I hear that next time it's Portugal.

    Mrs L: Portugal?


    1969.

    Desmond: Portugal was very nice. Next time it's...

    Mrs L: Let me guess.... Australia?

    Desmond: Close. It's actually Las Vegas.


    1977.

    Mrs L: Sardinia? Oh Desmond, what’s next? Outer space?

    Desmond: Ah….

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,632Chief of Staff

    One of the best yet, Barbel 🤣🤣👏🏻👏🏻

    YNWA 97
    Currently Head of Station C: Canada 🇨🇦
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    You're too kind, Sir Miles.

    In a justifiable piece of trumpet-blowing, this thread has now entered it's third year. The viewcount is high, but should be even higher since in common with a lot of threads many views were lost during the revamp.

    Many thanks to everyone, but most especially to the contributors. This thread isn't just for me, nothing here makes me happier than when someone collaborates or even writes one themselves.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff


    1978. Eon HQ, inside a submarine inside a tanker.



    Cubby: Anything in the mail today, Michael?


    MGW: There’s an offer from CBS.


    Cubby: Oh? What do they want?


    MGW: They want to do something called “The James Bond Holiday Special”.


    Cubby: Say what?


    MGW: “The James Bond Holiday Special”. Their idea is that Bond will be driving his Aston Martin, taking Jaws back to his home for something called “Life Day”.


    Cubby: “Life Day”? What the hell?


    MGW: Jaws will be all worried that he won’t be home in time for “Life Day”, which is very important to him. James will reassure him that they’ll make it in time. They get chased by S.P.E.C.T.R.E. henchmen but James sees them off.


    Cubby: Then what happens?


    MGW: James gets Jaws back to his homeplace- we meet his father Snapper, his son Bitey, and his wife Chewie… er, Chewer.


    Cubby: Snapper, Bitey and Chewer….?


    MGW: That’s what it says. They all then turn on the television and listen to Miss Moneypenny singing a song.


    Cubby: What???


    MGW: Miss Moneypenny sings a song.


    Cubby: I’ve heard enough. Tell them we’re not doing it.


    MGW: But you haven’t even heard the part where M and Q do a dance together!


    Cubby: Enough! Tell them what they can do with their idea.


    MGW: Oh, they already know. If you say no, then they’re going to offer the whole thing to George Lucas.


    Cubby: He can have it. If we did this, there’d be videos of it going around for years and years for everyone to laugh at.


    MGW: You sure?


    Cubby: Definitely. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.


  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff


    2022. A hospital ward. A man awakes from a long, long coma.


    Man: Hello? Where am I?


    Son: Take it easy, Dad. You’ve been in a coma, you’re just waking up.


    Man: Dad? You can’t be my son! You’re a grown man!


    Son: It’s been a long time, Dad. You went into a coma in 1967 and this is 2022.


    Man: 2022? You’re kidding me!


    Son: No, I’m not, Dad. This is 2022.


    Man: Well, what’s been happening? There must be so much!


    Son: Yes, of course, but it’s probably best we take it one step at a time.


    Man: All right, I think you’re right. Well, I was always a big fan of James Bond movies so let’s begin there. I suppose Sean Connery is too old these days?


    Son: Alas, he passed away a few years ago. He hadn’t played James Bond in many, many years.


    Man: Well, I guess Roger Moore got the part then.


    Son: That’s right, but he’s passed away as well. There’ve been three other actors since, but you won’t have heard of any of them.


    Man: Yeah, I can understand that. All tall, dark and handsome, of course.


    Son: Well… to quote Meatloaf, two out of three ain’t bad.


    Man: Meatloaf? You’re quoting a food?


    Son: Let’s just leave that one to one side for the moment.


    Man: But they’re still making James Bond movies, aren’t they?


    Son: Yes. Very slowly, but they are still making them.


    Man: And they’re full of gadgets, and James ends up with a beautiful girl in his arms in a boat at the end?


    Son: Err…. Not as such, no. In fact, they haven’t ended that way in over twenty years now.


    Man: The jokes, though, the fabulous one-liners.


    Son: Very occasionally.


    Man: The pounding, exciting title songs?


    Son: Not for a while. Dreary ballads, recently.


    Man: Women falling over themselves to be with James?


    Son: Not any more.


    Man: This is terrible. But he does still win at the end, doesn’t he? He has to defeat the villains and be ready for the next one!


    Son: Ah…. no.


    Man: What? What do you mean?


    Son: He died at the end of the most recent film.


    Man: What??? He died???


    Son: Yes, that’s right. He wanted to save his family.


    Man: His family?


    Son: Yes, he’s now got a little daughter and a woman he’d probably have ended up marrying.


    Man: I suppose it was the director’s idea that Bond dies?


    Son: No, it was the idea of the most recent actor. He said he would only come back for one more movie if Bond died at the end.


    Man: And Cubby fell for that?


    Son: Dad, Cubby’s been dead for years. It’s his daughter and stepson running the show… at least for the moment.


    (The man begins to fiddle around with the medical machinery beside his bed.)


    Son: Dad, what are you doing?


    Man: Looking for how to put myself back into a coma until they grow out of this whole business and start making James Bond movies again!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff
    edited August 4


    1981. The household of Diana Rigg. She is playing with her pet parrot, Chrome.

    Chrome: Peanut! Chrome wants a peanut!

    Diana: Oh, you want a peanut, do you?

    Chrome: Give me a peanut!

    Diana: Well, if you insist.

    (She gives the parrot a peanut. The telephone rings.)

    Diana: Hello?

    Cubby Broccoli: (On phone.) Diana, how are you?

    Diana: Cubby, how lovely to hear from you! I’m fine, how are you?

    Cubby: All fine here. Listen, you probably know we’re making a new James Bond film.

    Diana: Of course. You’re not wanting me to come back, are you?

    Cubby: Oh no, in fact we’re going to open the film with James Bond visiting Tracy’s gravestone.

    Diana: That’s a nice touch.

    Cubby: Yes, thank you, we thought so. Now, have you still got that parrot, what was his name, Titanium?

    Diana: Chrome. His name is Chrome.

    Chrome: Chrome wants a peanut!

    Diana: Quiet, you!

    (She gives him a peanut.)

    Cubby: Ah, you’ve still got him, then.

    Diana: Yes, he’s still here.

    Cubby: Well, listen, in our film “For Your Eyes Only” there’s a spot for a talking parrot and I immediately thought of your guy Stainless Steel.

    Diana: He's not a delicatessen, Cubby, he's called Chrome.

    Chrome: Chrome wants a peanut!

    Diana: Oh, shush!

    (She gives him a peanut.)

    Cubby: So I’d like to ask you if we could hire your parrot for a few days to appear in our movie.

    Diana: You’d have to treat him right.

    Cubby: Oh of course, of course.

    Diana: Well… all right then.

    Cubby: Just one thing - do you think he can learn to say "Atac to St Cyril's"?

    Diana: Atac to St Cyril's?

    Chrome: Atac to St Cyril's! Atac to St Cyril's!

    Cubby: Excellent! He's got the part!


    1987. The household of Diana Rigg. She is playing with her pet parrot, Chrome.


    Diana: Who’s a pretty boy, then? Who’s a pretty boy?

    Chrome: Pretty boy! I’m a pretty boy!

    Diana: That’s right!

    (She gives him a peanut.)

    Chrome: Pretty boy!

    (The telephone rings.)

    Diana: Hello?

    Cubby Broccoli: (On phone.) Hello, Diana?

    Diana: Cubby! Nice to hear you. How are you?

    Cubby: I’m fine, how are you?

    Diana: All fine here. What can I do for you?

    Cubby: Do you still have that parrot, what was his name, Magnesium?

    Diana: Chrome, Cubby, he’s called Chrome.

    Chrome: Chrome wants a peanut!

    Diana: Oh, all right then.

    (She gives the bird a peanut.)

    Cubby: We’d like to give him a job again in our next James Bond film, “The Living Daylights”.

    Diana: (Sighs.) Well, he seemed to enjoy the last one so all right then.

    Cubby: Excellent!

    Diana: Does he have to say anything strange in this one?

    Cubby: Oh no, nothing like that.

    Diana: Well, as long as you don’t make him do a double take like that pigeon a few years ago.

    Cubby: Oh no, Diana, of course not.


    (There's some truth in the above, but it isn't meant to be 100% accurate.)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff


    1984. Kevin McClory’s place. He’s having a meeting with Jack Schwartzman and Irvin Kershner.


    McClory: That’s the final returns now in from “Never Say Never Again” - we made $160 million so I think we can safely say it was a success!

    Schwartzman: Yes, but “Octopussy” made nearly $190 million.

    McClory: A minor detail, we still made a huge profit.

    Schwartzman: So, what’s your point, Kevin?

    McClory: I think we should… do it again!

    Kershner: Well, when I directed “The Empire Strikes Back”, George Lucas said to me-

    Schwartzman: Do it again?

    McClory: Yes, do it again. Obviously not exactly the same, of course.

    Schwartzman: But we are strictly limited in what we are allowed to do.

    McClory: There’s some wiggle room, I think.

    Kershner: I remember Harrison Ford said-

    Schwartzman: Wiggle room? What do you mean, wiggle room?

    McClory: Well, you remember the script for “Warhead” that I was trying to make back in the seventies? We could use at least some of that.

    Schwartzman: Hmm, you may be right.

    McClory: And that was written by Sean Connery and Len Deighton. We could play that up in the publicity.

    Kershner: Now, Luke Skywalker used to-

    Schwartzman: I think you’re right, and it means that we could use Connery’s name - there’s no way we’d get him back to play Bond, of course.

    McClory: And Roger Moore is under contract to Brocco….(Chokes.) Cub… (Chokes even more.) ...Eon.

    Schwartzman: Which leaves us only one choice…

    McClory: He’d never do it.

    Schwartzman: Are you kidding? He’d leap at the chance!

    McClory: I can see it now – “George Lazenby is James Bond in Never Say I’m Sorry, I Promise I’ll Behave This Time Again”!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,426Chief of Staff

    In collaboration with Number24.


    2032. Eon Press Conference for Bond26.


    BB: Firstly, thank you all for coming.

    1st Reporter: No problem, Ms Broccoli, it’s not as if we’ve been doing anything else these last ten years.

    2nd Reporter: Except speculate.

    1st Reporter: Oh, we’re going to carry on doing that anyway.

    BB: We’re here to announce that production will start on Bond26….

    3rd Reporter: Yes? Yes?

    BB: ...in about four years, perhaps.

    (Collective groans from the audience.)

    1st Reporter: Four years?

    BB: That’s right.

    2nd Reporter: Another four years?

    BB: Well, perhaps. It might be five.

    3rd Reporter: Another five years??? It’s been more than ten years since the last one!

    BB: The last one? Poor choice of words there.

    3rd Reporter: I mean, the most recent one, of course.

    BB: However, as a sign of intent, I am pleased to announce that we have signed up our new James Bond.

    1st Reporter: Ah!

    2nd Reporter: Aidan Turner!

    3rd Reporter: Henry Cavill!

    4th Reporter: Daniel Radcliffe!

    BB: Would you come out and join us, please? Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to introduce our new James Bond!

    (Idris Elba emerges from behind a screen, walking stick discreetly out of sight.)

    1st Reporter: Idris?

    2nd Reporter: Idris Elba?

    Idris: Hello everybody. The name’s Elba- Idris Elba.

    3rd Reporter: But… but…

    BB: And we’ll have no questions about age, thank you. Just like we didn’t have with Roger Moore.

    1st Reporter: Wouldn’t dream of it. So, how old are you now, Mr Elba?

    Idris: Well-

    BB: Don’t answer that, Idris.

    3rd Reporter: And what year were you born, sir?

    Idris: I’m sorry, Ms Broccoli has told me not to answer such questions.

    2nd Reporter: Oh, of course not. Mr Elba, how many grandchildren do you have now?

    Idris: (Proudly.) Oh, there are four of them now! Little-

    BB: Enough!

    1st Reporter: Are you allowed to tell us how much you’re being paid to be James Bond, Mr Elba?

    Idris: Well, after my pension has been deducted it’s not as much as you might expect.

    2nd Reporter: How many films have you been signed up for, Mr Elba?

    Idris: Three at first, with an option for more.

    3rd Reporter: So, going at Eon’s current pace, which makes a snail look like a Formula One car, you’ll be pushing 80 by the time of that option?

    Idris: Hey, if it’s good enough for Indiana Jones it’s good enough for James Bond!

  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,923MI6 Agent
    edited August 8

    Excerpt from George Lazenby’s unreleased 2016 commentary to "Live and Let Die." This was recorded in the afternoon session, following his morning recording of the commentary to "Casino Royale."

    Lazenby: Hello and G‘Day, this is George Lazenby, and I will be providing commentary to "Live and Let Die," the first film of Roger Moore as James Bond, and what may have been my third film had I not been such a bloody idiot.

    Roger’s first gunbarrel. I see our crack production team queued up the right film this time. He looks rather good here. Pity about the bell bottom trousers later on.

    I was told by the producers over lunch at Duke’s to not spend the entire film bragging about my conquests. Fine, it’s your loss. In my commentary to "Casino Royale" I had only made it up to 1974.

    What was that? No, I’m not going to talk about the pre title sequence. They didn’t have enough confidence to even show Roger. Just a few random nobodies get offed. One by a rubber snake and another with a quick stab to the liver.

    I had a mate in Golburn get stabbed in the liver in a pub brawl. He kept going for another twenty minutes before we finally walked him to hospital. Back at work the next morning. This tw*t probably faints when he nicks himself shaving.

    Finally, the opening song. I love Paul McCartney. Shame about the lyrics. I mean they’re fine, better than the Bond films immediately before and after. There’s just so little of them. Like Paul couldn’t be bothered writing lyrics for the entire song. Must have been Linda’s influence. I’d dare call this an instrumental, but no instrumental can compare to "Majesty’s." It is a timeless classic.

    Cut to the gorgeous Madeline Smith. We actually met in seventy f--- and I can neither confirm nor deny what you are all wondering.

    Here’s Roger. All baby faced and baby chested. How the f%ck does he look younger at 43 than I did at 29?

    Back to Madeline. Look up "The Vampire Lovers" with her and Ingrid Pitt. You’ll thank me.

Sign In or Register to comment.