😁😁😁 He was a national treasure. And glad to see we have a winner with the Frankenstein question!
Well, time's up. For the benefit of anyone not called CoolHandBond, the answer is....
Lou Costello objected to the original title, so it was changed. Thanks everyone, normal service will now be resumed! ☺️
2012. An apartment somewhere in London. All is quiet, then there is a clatter of keys as the door opens to admit an Estate Agent with a young couple.
Estate Agent: Well, here we are. Please come in, take a look around.
(They do just that.)
Man: Very nice, but why isn’t the current owner showing us around personally?
Estate Agent: Ah, sad story there, I’m afraid. We’re selling the flat on behalf of his company. Standard procedure on the death of an unmarried employee with no next of kin, or so I gather. We haven’t had time to put his things into storage as yet.
Woman: (Opening wardrobe.) I can see that- what’s this leather thing here, like an unfinished bra?
Estate Agent: Let me see… ah, there’s a label. It says this is a Berns Martin triple draw.
Woman: Triple draw what?
Estate Agent: No idea, I’m afraid.
Man: And on the shelf, that looks like a space helmet. Surely not?
Estate Agent: Perhaps he liked to go deep-sea diving? Ah look, it says “NASA” on the side- National Aquanaut Sea Association, that’ll be it.
Man: Hmmm…. Is that a clown outfit?
(The woman is now looking under the bed.)
Woman: Now, what do we have here….? A white bikini?
Estate Agent: Yes, well-
Woman: And an orange one. Very strange.
Estate Agent: (Hurriedly.) Perhaps if we could move into the lounge?
Man: (Entering lounge.) Would that be a portrait of the Duke Of Wellington there?
Estate Agent: Couldn’t tell you, I’m afraid.
Woman: The bar seems to be very well stocked.
Man: Heavy on the vodka and martini, though. And what’s this stuff here? “Kina Lillet”? Never heard of it.
Woman: Ah, here’s the music collection.
Man: A lot of John Barry… some David Arnold… a pair of earmuffs next to The Beatles…
Woman: What’s the smashed CD there?
Man: It looks like someone’s taken a hammer to it, never wanting to hear it again. Hang on, I think I can make out… it seems to say “Jack White & Alicia...”…. Something….
Woman: Is this a jewellery drawer here?
Estate Agent: Might be, madam.
Woman: (Opening the drawer.) Hmm, that’s gold.
Estate Agent: Surely not.
Woman: This is gold, Mr Estate Agent. All my life I have been in love with its colour, its brilliance, its divine heaviness.
Man: (Wearily.) Oh, I know.
Woman: And this seems to be a golden bullet.
Estate Agent: Strange, a golden bullet?
Woman: And there’s a number engraved on it. It says-
Man: I suppose many bullets have serial numbers on them.
Woman: And there’s diamonds as well.
Man: Quite a lot of diamonds, too.
Woman: What did you think it was going to be, a pair of earrings?
Man: (Changing the subject.) Oh look, he seems to have left his car keys. “A M” they say.
Estate Agent: Er… Austin Morris?
Woman: No, overall I don’t think this is what we’re interested in.
Estate Agent: What would you be interested in, madam?
Woman: Something bigger.
Man: Further away from the city.
Woman: Much further away.
Man: With lots of grounds.
Woman: Hard to get to.
Man: Hard to find.
Estate Agent: I think I have the very thing. Have you ever heard of Glen Etive…?
All things considered I guess it's good that the wife hadn't been to the apartment before.
'is that a harpoon over there in the corner?'
Very Good, Barbel, as usual 🍷🍷🍷
ITV NEWS AT TEN - Sometime in 1964.
Trevor McDonald: And finally…a young woman has been found dead in a room at the famous Fountainebleau Hotel in Miami Beach. Apparently she was covered in paint - gold paint - from head to foot. The paint stops the skin from breathing and causes death by suffocation. Police are investigating the circumstances on what was a hectic day at the hotel. A guest had earlier complained that a male guest had slapped a young woman’s bottom after having a massage. That same man was the one who reported the death of the young woman, he has been released without charge on the intervention of an exasperated looking CIA agent who said he had had previous dealings with the man It appears that the stress of the job is getting to the agent, named as Felix Leiter, as he appears considerably older and heavier than when he was last seen two years ago, in a report we covered in Jamaica. Agent Leiter said that he was going on a diet and fitness regime and would look a different man if he was ever interviewed again in the future…goodnight (smiles amusingly at camera, shuffling his papers.)
Helicopter found after terrifying crowd
The helicopter sought by police after some startling aerobatics yesterday above a terrified crowd in the historic Plaza de la Constitución has been found abandoned several miles away. Police found inside a button off a suit which they believe matches one found inside a collapsed building near the above Plaza.
Perhaps more significantly police had no difficulty in finding fingerprints all over the helicopter. “It is truly strange”, said a spokesperson. “It is almost as if the helicopter thief made no effort whatsoever to conceal his fingerprints and, therefore, his identity.”. A quiet word from the US Embassy had government officials send a copy of the fingerprints to the UK Embassy, who confirmed that they would deal with the matter internally.
“This is not enough”, said a Government spokesperson. “We demand…”
(Continued on Page 6)
In other news:
For sale: one couch. Slightly dusty- Page 3
Skull mask found in hotel- Page 4
Our entertainment section:
Cheers and boos heard from local cinema
Cheers were heard at the very start of a new major film release. “At last they’ve got it back in the right place”, said a visiting Scottish fan of the series, 77. “It’s only taken them 13 years and 3 movies.”
The joy was short-lived, however. After about an hour and a half, loud wails of disappointment were heard coming from the same audience at the same movie. “I can’t believe they went there”, said a fan, “I mean, that’s strictly “Austin Powers” territory. Brothers? You’ve got to be fuc…"
(Continued on Page 7)
Hi guys! I'm still enjoying all the clever posts in this hilarious thread! Here's an effort of my own:
SABOTEUR EVADES CAPTURE IN HIGH-SPEED CHASE ALONG THE STRIP
The Las Vegas Police Department is under increasing pressure to explain how its officers managed to total an entire fleet of squad cars yesterday evening at the tail end of a high-speed chase along the Strip, in full view of hundreds of gawping tourists, crashing vehicle after vehicle in a parking lot while allowing their suspect, driving a red Mustang, to escape scot free.
The Sheriff in charge of the pursuit claims to have identified the speeding felon, still at large, as the "sonofabitchin saboteur" behind an incident, earlier yesterday, at Willard Whyte's Tectronics facility in the Nevada Desert. The subversive agitator in question, believed to be British, caused mayhem at the space research center when he wrecked a state-of-the-art moon buggy before hijacking a dune bike.
It's expected that the Chief of Police will need to apply to the City, cap in hand, for emergency funding to replace his crashed squad cars. Meanwhile the Sheriff, suspended from duty with immediate effect, is said to be ready to turn in his badge, having made plans to return to his home in Louisiana and resume his career in law enforcement there, in the relatively quiet environs of the Bayou, well away from "all free radicals."
Sammy Davis Junior was among the many who watched last night's bizarre spectacle from the sidewalk on the Strip. The entertainer quipped, "If you see a limey and a moll flip a wheelie through an alley, just smile... there's no birthday cake big enough to put him on top of!"
I particularly enjoyed the line about the Sheriff returning to Louisiana, which of course he does!
'Lairs Incorporated, this is Pradeep speaking. How can I help you?'
'Hello again, Mr. Drax! How are you today?'
'Yes, the orchids were lovely, thank you.'
'Sure, one moment.'
('Lars? Hey Lars? LARS! Pick up line 5, will ya? It's Hugo Drax. Drax. D-R-A-X. Right, that guy. Line 5')
'Hello, Mr. Drax?'
'Nice to meet you, I'm Lars.'
'So, what are we looking at today?'
'Not a problem, we've done other jobs in the Amazon. If you check your informational packet, you'll see...'
'Oh, OK...so just BASED out of the Amazon. Got it.'
'Well...no. Not yet. Nobody's ever really asked for work in space.'
'Well yeah, I mean the technology doesn't exist yet.'
'Theoretically, sure...but again, we don't have the technology yet...'
'Yes, I've seen STAR WARS.'
'Well, yes...I mean, sure...as you said, lasers are 'really cool', but that technology doesn't exist yet.'
'That's just a movie, Mr. Drax.'
'Well, yes...industrial lasers do exist but they're rather bulky. Right.'
'Right, converting them into a hand held weapon just isn't feasible right now. Maybe in the future...'
'Hahaha, right...'in a galaxy far, far away' indeed.'
'Mr. Drax, you do realize how big that thing was in the movie, right? They thought it was a small moon when they first saw it, remember?'
'We might be able to build you a space station of some sort, but it obviously would not be of the same scale as the Death Star.'
'I agree, it was 'really cool' but that doesn't change the fact that it's simply not feasible with current technology.'
'Mr. Drax, that's fiction. Pardon me, it's SCIENCE fiction.'
'Look, we can't do it. It's that simple. I wish we could.'
'OK, if you're willing to reduce the scale, we can do it. Something that can fit in lower orbit, right.'
'Well, then it's just a matter of getting the materials and the crews up there to build it. That technology doesn't really exist yet but we can probably figure something out.'
'You're pretty adamant on these lasers, aren't you?'
'Well, we'll see what we can do.'
'OK, we'll put together a bid.'
'Is your fax number still the same?'
'OK, we'll put it together and fax it over. Was there anything else, Mr. Drax?'
'Right, 'may the force be with you' as well, Mr. Drax. We'll talk soon.'
👍👍👍 ...and Pradeep is back!
1964. James and Pussy stand outside a barn.
James: Well, what have we here? (He enters the barn.) You’re quite a girl, Pushy.
Pussy: I’m strictly the outdoor type
James: I’d like to think you’re not in all of thish… caper.
Pussy: Skip it. I’m not interested, let’s go.
James: What would it take for you to shee thingsh my way?
Pussy: A lot more than you’ve got.
James: How do you know?
Pussy: I don’t want to know.
James: Ishn’t it cushtomary to grant a condemned man hish lasht requesht? (Gets very close.)
Pussy: You’ve asked for this. (She throws him into the hay.) Get up.
James: Certainly. (He flips her down beside him.) There. Now let’sh both play. (He begins to lower his face onto hers for a kiss.)
Pussy: James! No! This might be borderline acceptable in 1964 but we have to think of the future. In the next century people will be writing things called “blogs” claiming you have raped me!
Pussy: No, James.
James: (Gets up.) I shupposhe you’re right. Oh well, let’sh get back to the othersh.
Two days later….
FORT KNOX SNOWFLAKE
60,000 people killed
60,000 people were gassed to death in the Fort Knox area yesterday, about the same as American motorists kill every two years. It appears they were killed by Delta 9 nerve gas sprayed from a flying circus spotted overhead, flown by a team of pilots in blonde wigs. A spokeswoman said “If only there was some way this loss of life could have been avoided without offending people who display no understanding of the situation”.
It would also seem that a small but particularly dirty atomic device was detonated inside the vault itself, making the entire gold supply of the United States radioactive for 57 years. Correction: 58 years. This will cause economic chaos in the West….
Car found crushed to a cube- Page 3
Gangsters deny gang war as various well-known hoods disappear without trace- Page 4
Odd job man seeks missing bowler hat- Page 5
That is awesome.
Gents, these are all among the best ever! Hilarious!!! 😂😂😂😂
😁 Thanks, C&D.
She must have appealed to his politic instincts. 🤣🤣🤣
Another slice of genius, Barbel 😁
Thank you! And now one in a lighter vein....
1979. A dentist’s surgery in Rio de Janiero. A short blonde woman comes indignantly marching in.
Dentist: Yes, what can I do for you?
Dolly: You do not remember me?
Dentist: Well, vaguely. I think I can recall your face.
Dolly: My face? Well, that’s a start. Do you remember fitting me for braces?
Dentist: I fit many people for braces, I cannot be expected to remember all of them.
Dolly: Well, do you remember charging me over £2000 for fitting them?
Dentist: My fees are standard charges, you’ll find that-
Dolly: Millions of people all around the world have seen me on film and could see no sign of any braces whatsoever!
Dentist: Perhaps it was just a trick of the light? After all, they are-
Dolly: It was no trick of the light! I have now seen myself from all sorts of angles on film. I have a beautiful smile and no sign of braces at all and no need for them! I am receiving three tons of mail a day, mostly from a man called Mandela, asking where my braces are.
Dentist: Well, that’s just-
Dolly: You have tricked me! I demand my money back!
Dentist: I cannot do such a thing!
Dolly: You will give me my money back right now!
Dentist: No- I will not!
Dolly: Then perhaps you might like to take up the matter with my boyfriend?
Dentist: If you like, but I don’t see how things will change any.
Dolly: Oh? He’s behind you, turn around.
(The dentist turns and takes a look behind. And up.)
Dentist: (Deep breath.) Would you prefer cash or cheque?
Sir Frederick Grey: "Your dentist should be taken off the assignment. I'll see you at the orthodontist's."
M: "I'll have to do what he says."
Bond: "Well, before you do that, sir, have Q do an analysis of this original film print from 1979. I took it from the The Odeon, Leicester Square. Tell him to exercise extreme caution. It's extremely cheesy."
M: "So, there *were* braces!"
Bond: "Yes, sir. And I don't just mean the pair holding up her boyfriend's trousers!"
I love it when a ball starts rolling....
Good to see Jaws getting the love today!
Here's another in the series, based on an original idea by Barbel, a collaborative effort by Barbel, Gymkata and myself:
Casting for “The Spy Who Loved Me”. Cubby Broccoli, Michael G. Wilson, and Lewis Gilbert sit behind a desk as an unsuccessful candidate leaves.
Cubby: Well, thank you very much and we’ll be in touch if we decide to use you.
(The candidate leaves.)
Lewis: This is a long haul, Cubby.
Cubby: I know, but we’ve been here before. I’m sure we’ll find the right person if we just keep looking.
MGW: What exactly are we after, Cubby?
Cubby: I’ll know the right person when I see him. It has to be someone instantly impressive, able to look as if they could walk through a brick wall if necessary.
Lewis: I know, but-
Cubby: (Turns to talk to the other two.) Someone who James Bond won’t be able to shrug off with just a quick punch, someone who-
(The door bangs open and Richard Kiel walks in, barely making it through the doorway.)
MGW: Holy sweet mother of God!
Richard: Er, hello, my name’s-
Cubby: Names is for credits, baby.
Richard: I’ve come to audition for the role of a villain in your next James Bond movie.
Lewis: Have you had any acting experience before?
Richard: Yes, I’ve been in The Twilight Zone….
MGW: That would certainly add another dimension...
Richard: … plus several episodes of The Man from UNCLE.
Lewis: We’d need to be careful this movie doesn’t become one spy too many…
Richard: And now I’m looking for a role I can really sink my teeth into….
Cubby: I’ve got it! (Pauses.) A role you can really sink your teeth into, and …
Richard: Cubby, and??
Cubby: A real scenery chewer, and…
MGW: And we’ll call you…. Mr Shark!
Richard: (Shaking his head slowly.) Thanks but, ah, I hear Peter Benchley is also casting for his next movie, Jaws – think I’ll try that instead.
Cubby: Jaws! That’s a perfect name! We’ll get you some steel teeth to really stand out! Come and screen test with Roger.
Richard: (Now smiling ruefully.) Jaws, eh? Could have been worse – with steel teeth I guess you could have called me ‘braces’.
MGW: (Scribbling in his notebook.) Braces? Perhaps we could save those for a ‘love interest’…
Cubby: (Opening a bottle of champagne and pouring a glass for each.) Fellas, I think we have our villain!
Richard: (Raising his glass.) Well, here’s to us!
'Nice to meet you, sir. May I ask where you got our number?'
'Oh, excellent! Yes, referrals from Henchmen Incorporated are absolutely welcome.'
'Yes indeed. We have access to their files for references.'
('Claire? Grab line 1 please. New sales call. Says his name is Chause.')
'Good afternoon, this is Claire.'
'Nice to meet you too, Mr. Chause.'
'Can you spell that please?'
'Wait...so, like the Spielberg film?'
'Got it. No, not a problem.'
'Yes, we do take referrals. Let me pull up your file.'
'Oh excellent. I'll just call up Mr. Stromberg.'
'Oh, I see.'
'No, that's not noted in here. I'll send the file off for an update. Hmm.'
'No, I didn't know he passed. Not a problem.'
'We'll just ping Mr. Drax then.'
'Yes, that is unfortunate.'
'No, I guess this isn't up to date either.'
'We can make something work, sure.'
'Well, yes...we could do a house for you.'
'Well, it's not our usual fare but sure.'
'OK, so we're talking VERY tall ceilings then.'
'And how about anything else special? Do you need a hidden room for anything?'
'Well...maybe a monorail? If you check your informational packet, you'll see that we specialize in monorails...'
'Sure, we can do an extra large closet...but is there anything else?'
'Oh! How about a helicopter pad?'
'Well, sure...but honestly, what you're asking for...I'd think a general contractor could handle all of that for you. Right.'
'Are you sure you don't need a monorail?'
'Well, how about a self destruct mechanism?'
'I see. OK, when are you thinking about this?'
'Oh lovely. When is your wedding?'
'OK, so you're thinking...what, late August?'
'I think we can do that.'
'Sure. Now...I hate to ask again but...are you SURE you don't want a monorail? That'd really add a lot of value to your house and...'
'No, that's fine.'
'OK, we'll start working on a bid for you.'
'That's right. You have a nice day too, Mr. Jaws.'
😂😂😂 Pradeep needs his own YouTube channel!
If Pradeep isn't in Bond26 we should start a riot!
😀😀😀😀 and of course travel there by monorail! Very enjoyable, as usual.
"Whaddya mean, you're having problems installing my monorail?"