1967. Burt Bacharach sits at his piano, idly composing another masterpiece. His friend and lyricist Hal David enters.
Burt: Hal, have I got news for you!
Hal: What is it? Our last song went to Number One?
Burt: Better than that!
Hal: We’ve won another award?
Burt: Nope! We’re doing the new James Bond movie!
Hal: New James Bond movie? Did John Barry fall sick or something?
Burt: No, he’s fine.
Hal: It’s a great title- “You Only Live Twice”. Boy, am I looking forward to writing the lyric for that one! I could get two different songs out of that title.
Burt: It’s not that one, Hal. There’ll be two James Bond films this year and we’ve got the other one.
Hal: The other one? What’s that called?
Burt: “Casino Royale”.
Hal: Oh, that’s going to be a tough title to make a song from.
Burt Yeah, I know. I thought I’d leave it as an instrumental and get Herb Alpert and his boys to play it.
Hal: Good idea. Doesn’t leave much for me to do, though.
Burt: I’ve already cleared it that we can write a love song for the film. We’re good at those.
Hal: That’s true. I can hardly wait to write it, feel my art around it.
Burt: But this time I’d like us to come up with a stone-cold classic- Oscar material, one that’ll be a standard for years to come.
Hal: You go ahead and write the tune then give me a call- you know my name.
Thanks to Charmed & Dangerous for "I can hardly wait to write it, feel my art around it". Wish I'd thought of that one!
2012. M’s Office. M’s arm is in a sling.
M: So, 007, lots to be done. (Drops a folder on the desk.) Are you ready to get back to work?
Bond: With pleasure, M. With pleasure.
M: Then open this folder.
Bond: But… this is my medical report.
M: Indeed it is. Medical evaluation: fail. Physical evaluation: fail. Psychological evaluation: Alcohol and substance addiction indicated. What else do I see…? Pathological rejection of authority based on unresolved childhood trauma. Did you think we'd conveniently forget all this just because you managed to kill Silva after he killed the previous M?
Bond: But, sir-
M: (Reading.) This officer remains basically physically sound. Unfortunately his mode of life is not such as is likely to allow him to remain in this happy state. Despite many previous warnings, he admits to smoking sixty cigarettes a day. These are of a Balkan mixture with a higher nicotine content than the cheaper varieties. When not engaged upon strenuous duty, the officer's average daily consumption of alcohol is in the region of half a bottle of spirits of between sixty and seventy proof. On examination, there continues to be little definite sign of deterioration. The tongue is furred. The blood pressure a little raised at 160/90. The liver is not palpable. On the other hand, when pressed, the officer admits to frequent occipital headaches and there is spasm in the trapezius muscles and so-called `fibrositis' nodules can be felt. I believe these symptoms to be due to this officer's mode of life. He is not responsive to the suggestion that over-indulgence is no remedy for the tensions inherent in his professional calling and can only result in the creation of a toxic state which could finally have the effect of reducing his fitness as an officer. I recommend that No. 007 should take it easy for two to three weeks on a more abstemious regime, when I believe he would make a complete return to his previous exceptionally high state of physical fitness.
Bond: (Horrified.) You don’t mean…
M: Oh yes. Shrublands. Two to three weeks minimum.
Those damn' free radicals again.... 😂😂😂 Nicely done Barbel!
SCHLOSS ADLER SPIEGEL Late edition
Local beauty dies.
The funeral was held yesterday of Fraulein Heidi Schmidt, well-known local beauty and war veteran. At the ceremony a collection of white backpacks were laid on her coffin for unexplained reasons. Many were in attendance, including war hero Major Johann Schmidt (no relation), also known as Major John Smith, and famed author Alistair Maclean. The two were seen struggling to gain possession of the last bottle of Scotch whisky at the wake.
Fraulein Schmidt's family requested that no garlands of garlic were placed among flowers at the funeral, and that guests' mirrors were left at the Castle doors. The actor Christopher Lee, who attended the funeral alongside step-cousin the famous author Ian Fleming, declined to comment on this unusual provision.
Mr Fleming was seen to be writing down details of the local ski run, cable car, and toboggan run. On being asked if there was any truth to the persistent rumours about him and Fraulein Schmidt, Mr Fleming said….
(Continued on Page 6)
In other news:
Coils of rope still turning up all around castle: Page 3
Telephone pole replacement finally scheduled for Wednesday: Page 9
Used condom found in woodshed in Alpine cabin: Page 13
Report by Barbel & Gymkata. Added reporting for late edition by Charmed & Dangerous.
I did think of using the lines from NSNA but the Fleming quote was very long so I left it as is.
2015. Q’s lab. He sits at his laptop as James Bond enters.
Q: Bond? What are you doing here?
Bond: Good morning, Q.
Q: I thought you’d gone.
Bond: I have. There’s just one thing I need...
(Outside, Madeleine sits in the DB5. Bond enters, and they smile at each other. He starts the car and they drive off… until the engine starts sputtering.)
Madeleine: What’s that?
Bond: I thought Q put petrol in.
Madeleine: Well, you should have checked.
Bond: I definitely thought he’d given us a full tank.
Madeleine: You definitely should have checked!
(He pulls the slowing car to the side of the road.)
Bond: You wait here, I’ll go find a garage.
Madeleine: Well, don’t be long.
Bond: I’ll try.
(A parking warden walks up.)
Warden: This your car, sir?
Bond: Yes, but-
Warden: Well, I’m afraid you can’t park here.
Bond: But I’m not-
(The warden pulls out his notebook.)
Warden: I’m afraid I’ll have to book you, sir.
(The James Bond Theme plays as the credits roll.)
That should have been a post credits scene.
It's a thought, but doing it this way gives more context.
1974. Scaramanga’s junk. Bond has the telephone in one hand and Mary Goodnight in the other.
M: (On phone.) Goodnight? Goodnight?
Bond: Goodnight, sir.
(He hangs up the phone and kisses Goodnight passionately.)
Goodnight: Oh, James…
Bond: Wait a minute- how did he know this number?
(The phone rings again. Bond unhappily answers it.)
M: (On phone.) Bond, what the hell do you mean hanging up on me?
Bond: What the hell do I mean? You’ve had this phone number all along and I had to go to Beirut, fight three toughs, swallow a bullet, go to Macao, damn nearly get shot by Scaramanga-
M: Yes, but-
Bond: ...Nearly drown myself getting to that upside-down liner, get hit on the head by a midget with a trident-
M: Ah yes, but-
Bond: ...Get beaten up by a whole kung fu school, get abandoned by Lt Hip and chased in a boat down a canal, fly a car in a spiral, get my plane blown up-
M: True, though-
Bond: ...And have to duel with the world’s greatest hitman then nearly get fried by a solar beam…. And you had his number the whole time?
Bond: I’m going to take a sabbatical and go to ground…
(He hangs up.)
Bond: 'I think it may be time to go home.'
Goodhead: 'Take me 'round the world one more time.'
Bond: 'Why not?'
1 minute later
Bond: 'Just curious...do you know how to land this thing?'
Goodhead: 'Well...no. I mean, I understand the theory and all that. We need to enter the atmosphere at a certain angle and speed to avoid burning up.'
Bond: 'And...you know how to do that, right?'
Goodhead: 'It's not like I was actually trained for it...hold on, move your leg.'
Bond: 'Oh, sorry.'
Goodhead: 'It's just a weird angle.'
Bond: 'Yes, quite. Now, getting back to the question of re-entry.'
Goodhead: 'Yes, that's actually my belly button.'
Bond: 'Oh, sorry. I didn't mean that, I mean...what are we supposed to do here? How are we actually going to get back to Earth with no training and no planning?'
Goodhead: 'You're ruining the mood.'
Bond: 'Sorry, dear...it's just that England needs me.'
Goodhead: 'I suppose we'll have to be in contact with NASA for the entire flight down.'
Bond: 'Isn't there a long period of time where there's a communication blackout with ground control?'
Goodhead: 'Yes, I think it's maybe 2 minutes.'
Bond: 'So...regardless of whether or not we can actually get talked through the process of re-entry...'
Goodhead: 'To that point, a little lower.'
Bond: 'Right...regardless, we've got 2 minutes where we're on our own.'
Goodhead: 'Yes. But again, bear in mind the fact that I successfully flew this craft once we got into space with no training. Heck, you took to space travel without a hitch yourself. Free fall never slowed you down at all, which is amazing considering the extensive training that most astronauts undergo prior to going into space. And look at how expertly you handled that laser canon, even without any training. You didn't even look at an instruction manual, for cryin' out loud.'
Bond: 'By God, you're right. We really are invincible, aren't we?'
Goodhead: 'It's called 'plot armor', James. We're the main characters in our own story. Incidental characters which surround us may die or get injured but not the main characters.'
Bond: 'And we'll always know what to do and perform it well, even with no training.'
Goodhead: 'But I'd watch out for any secondary characters that surround you. Any sidekicks.'
Bond: 'Yeah, I could see something finally happening to Felix at some point.'
Goodhead: 'But that doesn't matter now. I'm sure we have plenty of food and oxygen up here to survive for a while if we want to keep in orbit for a while.'
Bond: (raises an eyebrow) 'Indeed! Now...where were we...'
Goodhead: 'A little lower, James.'
😀😀😀 Ssh, we're not supposed to mention plot armour.....
😂😂😂 A lot can happen in two minutes...
Another collaboration - thanks to Gymkata, and to Barbel for the best lines:
1964. Auric Stud. Goldfinger and Pussy Galore sit at a table, over mint juleps.
Goldfinger: Your share of Operation Grand Slam will make you a very rich woman, my dear.
Pussy: Why else would I be in it, Mr Goldfinger?
(An assistant approaches them)
Goldfinger Yes, Kisch?
Kisch: (Gesturing over his shoulder.) Two men in a car with binoculars.
Goldfinger: Touts looking for racing tips. (He pauses.) There's another possibility, however. (Pauses again.) Kisch, ask Mr Bond to join us.
(Kisch leaves, and Goldfinger turns once again to Pussy).
Goldfinger: We were right to spare Mr Bond's life in Switzerland, if those gentlemen are his friends. For their benefit, Pussy, let's make him as happy as possible. I suggest you change into something more suitable.
Pussy: Certainly. Business before pleasure. But first, I have a question.
Goldfinger: Yes, Miss Galore?
Pussy: You gassed those gangsters, right? The ones in your games room?
Goldfinger: Indeed, Miss Galore. What fun it was showing them the plan! It was certainly worth all the money that scale model, the sliding floors, the large photograph, all cost. But then after that they were of no further use to me.
Pussy: And you sent Oddjob to shoot Mr Solo, then dispose of his body inside a car which was then crushed in a scrap yard, to be brought back in a pick-up truck?
Goldfinger: You are right again, Pussy. Very observant!
Pussy: Um... why not just gas Mr Solo at the same time as the others? I mean, why go to the trouble of destroying a perfectly good car complete with gold bars that you now have to separate from the car and the late Mr Solo?
Pussy: Come to think of it, why not just shoot Solo and bring his body back? Why go to bother of crushing the car at all?
Pussy: Maybe you’re not as smart as you look. More Monty Python than Flying Circus?
Goldfinger: Oddjob! (Oddjob approaches.) Oddjob – perhaps you can explain to Miss Galore? Well?
Goldfinger: You see?
Pussy: Of course, thank you for making it clear, Oddjob.
Barbel, Gymkata, C&D - thank you for your continued entries on this thread, they are fantastic 😂😂😂
Yes,they're keeping the standards high. Very high, in fact. Hurrah!!!
Many thanks, guys.
1999. Turkey. James and Christmas sip their drinks while fireworks go off.
James: I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey.
Christmas: Was that a Christmas joke?
James: From me? No.
Christmas: So isn’t it time you unwrapped your present?
James: Oh, I think so.
(We discreetly leave them, then return later...)
James: I was wrong about you.
Christmas: Yeah? How so?
James: I thought Christmas only comes once a year.
Christmas: Hey… wait a minute… that was a Christmas joke!
James: Ah, well, you see-
Christmas: “I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey”. It WAS a Christmas joke!
James: Er, did I say that?
Christmas: Yes, you did!
James: I did…?
(James begins to wish he’d shot Christmas and kept Elektra.)
Christmas: You made a Christmas joke!
James: Who, me?
Christmas: Yes, you- and don’t do it again!
James: Wouldn’t dream of it, darling.
(Starts to sneak off before she realises.)
1999 Pinewood Studios. Set of “The World Is Not Enough”
Michael Apted: Cut and print!
Denise: Mr Apted?
Apted: Thank you very much, everyone-
Denise: But Mr Apted-
Apted: : (Taking a deep breath.) Yes, Denise?
Denise: I think I can say my line better, if you just give me one more take-
Apted: One more take?
(Behind Denise, Pierce Brosnan is frantically shaking his head and running his forefinger across his throat.)
Denise: Yes, I think I can put more feeling and meaning into my line.
Apted: You have three words, Denise. And that last one was Take 46-
Pierce: (Wearily.) Take 47, Michael.
Apted: Thank you. And that was the only one in which you got the three words in the right order, so I’m printing that one!
Apted: That’s a wrap!
😂😂😂 I'll be fireworks went off alright...
With an assist from Barbel and C&D:
From the life raft, Bond looks up and sees the plane about to take the rope. He grabs hold of Domino tightly...
The plane engages the rope. Bond and Domino are flung into the air, pulled up by the airplane.
...one minute later...
Pilot: 'OK, that worked.'
Co-Pilot: 'Yep, so far. What was the next step?'
Pilot: 'Next step for what?'
Co-Pilot: 'For getting them actually onboard the plane?'
Pilot: 'You mean...you don't know?'
Co-Pilot: 'Nope, no idea. I got the call to do this flight at the same time you did. I rushed down, got onboard, saw that there was no flightplan, and just relied on you.'
Pilot: 'Yeah, same here. I really had no prep for this either. Hold on...Mike? MIKE? MIKE???!!!'
(Mike comes up from the back)
Mike: 'Yep, what's up?'
Pilot: 'So, how do we get them on board?'
Mike: 'I have no idea. I threw the raft overboard and that's it. I'm not involved with anything else as far as I know.'
Pilot: 'Who else is onboard?'
(a loud thump is heard underneath the plane)
Co-Pilot: 'Crap! What was that??'
Pilot: 'It sounded like it came underneath us. Mike, go check.'
(Mike goes back)
Pilot: 'There it is again.'
Co-Pilot: 'You don't suppose...'
(Mike comes back)
Mike: 'Guys, it's them. They've come up enough on the rope such that they're right underneath the fuselage. The wind is causing them to smack into the plane right underneath the cockpit area.'
Pilot: 'What do we do? How do we get them inside of the plane?'
Mike: 'No idea. We're gonna have to figure something out, though. We can't land with them outside of the plane like this.'
Pilot: 'Get that Leiter guy on the horn. Maybe he knows what to do.'
(from outside the plane two voices can faintly be heard, shouting for help.)
Co-Pilot: 'They're shouting for help.'
Mike: 'Those Beatles fans, they get everywhere.'
Pilot: 'I managed to get Felix Leiter on the radio.'
Co-Pilot: 'What did he say?'
Pilot: 'He said he'd be up in a helicopter soon and to tell Bond to hang on till then.'
(More thumping from below.)
Pilot: 'If he's still there....'
Co-Pilot: 'Maybe if we pull up, dive, and then turn, we can get them enough slack that they'll float over to the side door...?'
(thump, more screaming)
Pilot: 'That might work. Let's try...'
(Pilot pulls back, causing the plane to rise in the air)
Co-Pilot: 'That doesn't sound good...'
Pilot: 'Mike, get back there...be ready at the door.'
Pilot: 'OK, now let's dive and turn...'
(Pilot pushes forward on the yoke and banks)
Co-Pilot: 'Other way! Bank the other way!'
Pilot: 'Crap, you're right...the side door is on the other side.'
Co-Pilot: 'Be ready, Mike!'
(heavy thump on the side of the plane...more screaming)
Mike: 'Got 'em! Oh my...'
Pilot: 'OK great...nice work, Mike.'
Co-Pilot: 'How are they?'
Bond: 'It'll be a dark night before I try that bloody thing again! (Pause) Tell the pilot to drop us in Miami. I know the besht reshtaurant in town. Jusht don't tell Felixsh about it or he'll want a bloody wedding here. Oh, and shend back some vodka.'
No kidding, I've been watching that film since 1965 and I always pictured something like that when Bond and Domino reach the plane. It's definitely an example of spectacle before logic.
Actually it works well in real life, the CIA did ut for years.
But, hillarious story by Gymkata! 😂
Operation Coldfeet is an example of the skyhook method being used in real life. Read about it on page one of the "Real stories about espionage and special operations" thread.
Well I don't fancy trying it!!!!
Really! OK, that's cool to know.
ITV NEWS AT TEN - Sometime in 1965
Trevor: And finally…strange going on’s at a health clinic called Shrublands, on the south coast. A patient was nearly torn from limb to limb on a motorised traction table when the machine was accidentally activated into danger mode. The manufacturer has declined to comment on why a danger mode speed was necessary to be built into the table. The patient recovered fully, and in fact, a nurse, Pat Fearing, said he was too healthy by far. Meanwhile, another patient, identified as a Count Lippe, for some reason a name plate was placed on his bedroom door, was found nearly boiled alive in a sitz bath, where a broom stick prevented his release. Also, names of doors keep changing rapidly, a patient was seen entering a door marked “massage” and just a minute later exits from the same door which has swiftly changed to “Sitz Bath & Heat Treatment.” A clinic spokesman said they are speaking to the janitor to find out why this is happening.
In a further development, Count Lippe was killed in a car accident shortly after leaving the clinic. Police are looking for a motorcycle seen following the car and an attractive redhead female seen trying to hitch a lift on the roadside after the accident, who may be able to help in their inquiries… goodnight…(smiles at camera, shuffling his papers).
😀😀😀 I especially like the the bit about the doors!
😆😆😆 ditto with 'danger speed' mode 😂
"Too healthy by far" 🤣
1972. On a liner, Bond and Tiffany look up at the sky having disposed of Mr Wint and Mr Kidd.
Tiffany: Oh, James!
Bond: Oh yesh, what were you about to ashk me?
Tiffany: James…. How the hell do we get those diamonds back down?
(They smile at each other. There is a knock on the door and two waiters enter, pushing trolleys loaded with food.)
Bond: (Eyes narrowing.) There musht be some mishtake…
1st Waiter: No mistake, sir. On the specific instructions and with the compliments of Mr Willard-
(Bond quickly throws the first waiter from the port side of the ship and the second one from the starboard side.)
Tiffany: I hope that’s the last interruption we get tonight!
Bond: I hope sho too.
(Half an hour later there is another knock on the door. The captain enters.)
Captain: What the hell do you mean throwing my waiting staff overboard? I had to launch three lifeboats to bring them back!
Bond: Ah yesh, but you shee-
Captain: All they did was bring you and your lady some food. (Looks around.) My God, how much food do you have here?
Bond: Well, you shee-
Captain: I see that I don’t want any more trouble from you this trip, Mr Bond, am I understood?
Bond: (Head down.) Yesh, sir.
(Slams door on way out.)
😂😂😂 Let's hope they've can finally enjoy their kebabs ...