Imaginary Conversations



  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Thanks to you both. @Number24, you certainly will hear more since you ask but I have another idea for today....

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Well, we've started a new page and you know what that means....

    2024. The household of Aaron Taylor Johnson. Aaron is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone. His wife looks on in despair.


    Mrs Taylor Johnson: Oh, sit down, Aaron, why don’t you?

    Aaron: Sit down? Ha! I would love to sit down!

    Mrs Taylor Johnson: Then please, do.

    Aaron: I can’t, I just can’t.

    Mrs Taylor Johnson: Look just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.

    Aaron: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!

    Mrs Taylor Johnson: A time like this? Nothing is happening!

    Aaron: But it should be happening! Everyone is saying it should be happening!

    Mrs Taylor Johnson: You can’t believe everything you read in the newspapers, you know- especially the British ones.

    Aaron: Everyone agrees it has to be me. The bookmakers are giving very short odds on it being me.

    Mrs Taylor Johnson: Oh, so now you trust the bookies as well as the press? (She rolls her eyes.)

    Aaron: Well, I wouldn’t go as far as to say that.

    Mrs Taylor Johnson: Then please just sit with me and try to relax.

    (Aaron sits down for maybe half a second before leaping to his feet again.)

    Aaron: Relax? I can’t relax!

    Mrs Taylor Johnson: Look, if they want you they’ll phone you.

    Aaron: And I have to answer really quickly before they give it to someone like Aidan Turner or Henry Cavill or Idris Elba.

    Mrs Taylor Johnson: …all of whom are maybe ten or twenty years older than you are so just calm down.

    Aaron: Okay, okay, I’ll try.

    (He sits down and takes a deep breath.)

    Mrs Taylor Johnson: Anyway, it was last week the papers were all saying that you were definitely going to be the next James Bond.

    Aaron: What???

    Mrs Taylor Johnson: Yes, there’s nothing about it this week.

    Aaron: Aargh!!!

    (He jumps to his feet and begins pacing again.)


  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff


    And that conversation could (probably did) happen 12 months ago 👀

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    1987. The Blayden safe house. M and the Minister have been debriefing Koskov, Bond in attendance smoking away.

    M: Minister, in view of the importance of what Mr Koskov has just told us I believe we should consult with higher authority.

    Minister: By all means. Good day, Mr Koskov.

    Koskov: Good day, sir.

    (M, the Minister and Bond all leave and head to their respective vehicles. Bond drives his Aston Martin down the road until…)

    Bond: Damn, I left my PPK with the security guard.

    (He turns around and heads back to the safe house in time to see what appears to be an emergency helicopter land and Koskov being carried toward it on a stretcher.

    There’s a tall blond man in attendance.)

    Bond: Hey, wait one minute there!

    (He is ignored. Quick as a flash, Bond presses a button on the dashboard and a hidden compartment opens revealing a spare Walther PPK. He grabs it and dives out of the car.)

    Necros: Quick, stop him!

    (But Bond has instantly shot dead the “stretcher bearers” who drop the stretcher, causing a startled Koskov to stop feigning illness and look around in alarm.)

    Koskov: What? Bond?

    (Necros advances toward Bond holding his lethal headphones in attack position, only for Bond to shoot him once through the forehead.)

    Bond: Never bring headphones to a gunfight.

    (The helicopter starts to rise, attempting to make a getaway. Bond manages to bring it crashing down with only shots from his handgun, a remarkable skill he would otherwise demonstrate in 2015. He helps a shaken Koskov to his feet.)

    Bond: Are you all right, Georgi?

    Koskov: (Taking everything in.) Er…yes, James.

    Bond: Good thing I decided to come back, otherwise you would have been taken away in that helicopter to God knows where.

    Koskov: Yes… good thing….

    Bond: And we’d better have full security on you, twenty four hours a day, from now on- just to prevent something like this from happening again.

    Koskov: Oh… thanks….

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    🤣👏🏻 Tales of Competence 👏🏻🤣

    YNWA 97
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,864MI6 Agent


  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,385MI6 Agent

    Another tale of “what should have happened” and ending in a short film 😁


    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Thanks, everyone. The Bride has given me more angel ideas, but before that I've found some pages from a diary which I'll have to work on.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    1954. The Diary of Ian Fleming.


    Monday- I have an appointment with my publisher on Friday, after he’s had a chance to read my second book. All I need before then is a title. I initially thought about calling it “The Undertaker’s Wind” but that might sound like it’s a story about a flatulent mortician. I’m thinking about

    Felix Gets Lighter?

    Solitaire’s The Only Game In Town?

    This Ever-Changing World In Which We’re Living?

    None of them seem quite right, but I want to pick just the right one. After all, when you’ve got a job to do you’ve got to do it well.


    Tuesday- Planning ahead, I know that I will have to  make my third James Bond novel quite different from the first two so I have decided to go in a science fiction direction- no, make that science fact. My villain (haven’t quite decided on the name- Drix? Drox?) will be posing as a millionaire philanthropist, paying for development of an advanced rocket but he’ll actually have an ulterior motive. Bond will link up with a beautiful girl apparently in the villain’s employ but really working for a service linked to his. The villain will leave them to be burned when the rocket takes off, but they escape using the ventilation shafts. I’m going to make it very serious; this isn’t the kind of story that needs silly jokes or smart-arsed slapstick.


    Wednesday- Early today I had a call from the States, from the producer of the TV version of my first novel “Casino Royale”. He just wanted to ask me a few questions about the character names. It’s good to know that they’re taking such care over this, I’m sure it will turn out well.


    Thursday- Damned critics. I should know better than to read the reviews, everyone has always told me not to do that. So my plotting is unlikely and my character names are ridiculous? They’ve seen nothing yet….


    Friday-- Meeting with the publisher. He was very impressed with my second novel, apart from one or two little things. He rather liked Felix and was horrified that I had bits of him eaten by a shark about halfway through. I reassured him that Felix would be back in later stories, or most of him would anyway. Now all I need is that title…

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    Great diary find 👍🏻🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Thanks Sir M, and I found another while I was digging that one out....

    2024. The Diary of Gregg Wilson.


    Monday- Walked in on Aunt Barbara today, to find her eating a huge tub of ice cream. I asked if she had been crying but she said no, of course not. She just kept staring at the poster for “Skyfall” on the wall.

     As I left I definitely heard a sob.


    Tuesday- Went to see Purvis and Wade, and asked them if they had any ideas for the next movie, whenever that is. They silently opened a cupboard behind them which was stuffed with screenplays. I asked why they had written so many, and they said that my dad had told them to, saying something about the works of Shakespeare and an infinite number of monkeys. As I left I definitely heard a sob.


    Wednesday- Went to see the casting director and asked what was happening about the new Bond. She showed me what she called her “Goldilocks cupboard” which had three rows of possibilities- one too old, one too young, and one just right but wouldn’t be for very much longer. As I left I definitely heard a sob.


    Thursday- Went to see Dad and Aunt Barbara. Asked them to notice what the fans had been asking for and just make another Bond movie. Dad said, “Oh son, if only it were that simple”. As I left I definitely heard a sob.


    Friday- Went to see the costumes department, they said they had ideas and costumes for at least five movies.

    Went home and asked my wife for a vodka martini, shaken not stirred of course. She said she had a large bucket of them, just waiting for me while I waited on Aunt Barbara and Dad. She knows me so well. I began to pace up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone….

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,864MI6 Agent


  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    Love it 🤣👏🏻

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Thanks, guys! 🤗

    This next is purely for @Number24.

    2024. Double-0 Heaven. The same two angels as in post 2998 are on a break.


    1st Angel:  Another cup of ambrosia?

    2nd Angel: No thanks, I’ll be overflowing again.

    1st Angel: Ah, more rain down below then?

    2nd Angel: Yes, afraid so. Oh, look, a falling Tom Ellis!

    1st Angel:  Must be a new series of “Lucifer”, I suppose.

    2nd Angel: Another five minutes then we’ll have to go back on duty?

    1st Angel: Yes, more prayers to listen to.

    2nd Angel: More from Henry Cavill, just like yesterday.

    1st Angel: Doesn’t give up easily, that man.

    2nd Angel: And prayers from the fans- although we’ve been getting less of them recently, I’ve noticed.

    1st Angel: They’re losing faith these days. Eon are taking too long in between films.

    2nd Angel: I’ve heard that some of the fans have been… (Looks left and right before proceeding, in a hushed tone.) … have been leaving us to follow the “Mission Impossible” series.

    1st Angel: No!

    2nd Angel: It’s true. Apparently their man does the stunts himself, or so I’m told.

    1st Angel: What, just like Sir Roger didn’t do?

    2nd Angel: Exactly.

    1st Angel: Do you suppose we could send a heavenly choir down to sing to Michael and Barbara?

    2nd Angel: Only if they take their earplugs out.

    1st Angel: Oh well, time to go back. You ready?

    2nd Angel: Yes, I suppose so.

    (They return to the prayer receiving room.)

    1st Angel: Oh, that’s unusual.

    2nd Angel: What’s that?

    1st Angel: Prayers from Daniel Craig, we haven’t had them in a long time.

    2nd Angel: What do they say?

    1st Angel: Let me see… (Reading.) “Please make her stop”.

    2nd Angel: “Please make her stop”?

    1st Angel: Yes, what do you think that means?

    2nd Angel: No idea….

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff


    YNWA 97
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,864MI6 Agent

    My prayers have been answered! 😂😂😂

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff


    Thanks, gents.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff
    edited March 30

    2024. Eon HQ, behind the “Bottoms Up” club, Hong Kong.


    MGW: Time for another director, then?

    BB: If you like. Who’s next?

    MGW: Some chap called… (He reads from a list.) Christopher Nolan.

    BB: Never heard of him.

    MGW: Well, let’s have a look at him, anyway. (Presses a button on the intercom.) Send in the next one, please.

    Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, Mr Wilson.

    (The door opens and Christopher Nolan enters.)

    BB: Come in, Mr… (Checks the list.) Nolan.

    Nolan: It’s Sir Christopher, actually.

    MGW: Ah, right. Please, take a seat.

    Nolan: (Sitting down.) Thank you.

    BB: So, you’ve been knighted, then Sir Christopher?

    Nolan: That’s right. Among other things, I directed the biggest movie of last year.

    MGW: (Awed.) You directed “Barbie”? That’s amaz-

    Nolan: No, not that. (Proudly.) A little thing called “Oppenheimer”.

    (Blank looks from BB and MGW.)

    Nolan: “Oppenheimer”. It won lots of Oscars, including Best Director for me.

    BB: Have you done anything that we might have heard of?

    Nolan: Well, er, during the lockdown I made something called “Tenet”. (More blank looks.) I made three Batman movies.

    MGW: Ah, Batman. That I do know about.

    BB: …and the whole family has been hearing about that for years. Tell me, Mr No- er, Sir Christopher, what vision would you have for a James Bond film?

    Nolan: Well, first, I would need complete artistic control.

    (MGW and BB both burst into laughter.)

    MGW: Oh, that’s very funny. Best laugh we’ve had all day.

    Nolan: Funny?

    BB: Yes- artistic control! As if! We never let our directors have artistic control.

    Nolan: Then I’m sorry to have wasted your time.

    (He gets up and walks out.)

    BB: Oh dear, that’s a shame.

    MGW: Who’s next?

    BB: Someone called… (Consults list again.) Steven Spielberg.

    MGW: Oh, him again. Doesn’t give up easily, that man.

    (This is for @caractacus potts)

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    It’s nice to take a peek behind the curtain of these director interviews…🤣

    YNWA 97
  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,978MI6 Agent

    subtle gag buried in the middle:

    Michael Wilson oughta know a little about Batman movies!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Thanks guys, and cp there's a whole Imaginary Conversation about MGW and Batman somewhere in the earlier pages which you might enjoy if you haven't already read it.

    This one is dedicated to @Sir Miles with gratitude for 16 years of friendly arguing about one particular subject.....

    1995. The lair of Valentin Zukovsky. James Bond is held at gunpoint by Zukovsky’s henchmen.


    Irina: (Completely out of tune.)  Stand by your maaa-aan…

    Bond: Who’s strangling the cat?

    Zukovsky: Strangling a cat? (He draws a pistol and shoots between Bond’s legs, terrifying him.) That is Irina, my mistress.

    Bond: (Instantly changing course.) Very talented girl.

    Zukovsky: Irina! Take a hike!

    (Irina stomps off the stage, not forgetting to give Zukovsky a rude gesture as she does so. She is approached by a slick looking man in a shiny suit.)

    Man: Er, Miss Irina?

    Irina: (Still angry.) Yes? What do you want?

    Man: I couldn’t help but overhear your singing there.

    Irina: Yes?

    Man: I think you’re a very talented girl, as that man over there said, and I was very impressed.

    Irina: Yes? And so?

    Man: Well, I’m from Third Man records. We’d like to sign you up to a contract.

    Irina: (Eyes sparkling.) A contract? A recording contract?

    Man: Of course. What do you say?

    Irina: Well, this is very sudden, Mr….?

    Man: White. But you can call me Jack.

    Irina: Jack… I think I would like that very much.

    Man: You’d have to speak with your current employer, of course.

    Irina: Oh him? I say (Bursts sarcastically into song, staring directly at Zukovsky.) “Stand by your maaa-aaan!”

    Jack: Then come with me. (His voice fades as they walk off.) Of course, it may take some time to find a suitable song for you. Maybe thirteen years or so….

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff


    Fantastic - love it 🙌🏻

    16 years of trying to bring you round to one of the best Bond theme songs 😏

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    16 years so far! 😁

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    And I don’t think you’ve moved an inch 🤨🤣

    YNWA 97
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,385MI6 Agent

    That was very clever 😁 to say that you are on top form @Barbel is diminishing these supreme sketches.

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Much appreciated, thank you.

    2021. Safin’s island. He is introducing Mathilde to his Garden Of Death.


    Safin: Some of these plants are very dangerous, but not all of them hurt people. I have plants with different purposes. This one (Points.) makes you do what you are being told. This one… Wait, where are my plants?

    1st Henchman: Er, Mr Safin, sir?

    Safin: What is it? What do you want?

    1st Henchman: Er, it’s like this, Mr Safin, er, you were a long time coming back so a few of the boys thought about doing a little redecorating.

    Safin: REDECORATING???

    2nd Henchman: Er, yes, sir, we thought a nice bit of colour might brighten the place up a bit.

    Safin: (Getting angrier.) A nice bit of colour????

    2nd Henchman: Oh, not just colour, we thought a few nice smells might cheer everyone up.

    (Safin can’t speak. His eyes bulge and his jaw drops.)

    1st Henchman: That’s right, so we got some lavender and calendula…

    2nd Henchman: Camomile, eucalyptus…

    Safin: (Manages to blurt out.) I wanted poison!

    1st Henchman: Well, of course- I wouldn’t fancy drinking eucalyptus oil.

    2nd Henchman: The lavender, neither.

    (While Safin is busy dealing with his subordinates, Madeleine has taken Mathilde’s hand and they have managed to sneak away…)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    And while we're on that subject....

    2021: Madeleine is driving James Bond’s Aston Martin DB5.


    Madeleine: I want to tell you a story about a man. His name was Bond. James Bond.

    Mathilde: Great, but what does this red button do?

    Madeleine: DON’T PRESS THAT RED BUT- Oh crap….

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff


    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff
    edited April 2

    1977. Atlantis, lair of Karl Stromberg. He has just disposed of two scientists and a secretary. A stocky bald man enters.


    Stromberg: Shandor.

    Sandor: Yes, sir.

    (A giant of a man enters and stands beside Sandor.)


    Stromberg: Jaws. I’m assigning you the task of recovering the microfilm copy of the tracking system. Shandor, you will go with him. Obey him. Every person who comes into-

    Sandor: Er, Mr Stromberg?

    Stromberg: (Irritated at being interrupted.) What is it, Shandor?

    Sandor: Excuse me, sir, but you called me “Shandor” there- three times.

    Stromberg: And?

    Sandor: Well, my name is definitely “Sandor”, not “Shandor”.

    Stromberg: Not “Shandor”?

    Sandor: No, definitely “Sandor”. I mean, you wouldn’t like it much if I started calling you “Mr Shtromberg”, would you? I mean, it’s not like you’re Sean Connery, then you might have a good reas-

    Stromberg: All right, all right. It’s “Sandor”, then.

    Sandor: Yes, that’s right.

    Stromberg: Definitely not “Shandor”?

    Sandor: No, sir, definitely not.

    Stromberg: All right.

    Sandor: (Mutters to himself.) I never had this problem with Doctor No.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    He certainly gets about 🤣🤣

    YNWA 97
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