By Charmed & Dangerous, Gymkata, and me.
2021. Eon HQ, along the shore of Lake Garda. Barbara and Michael sit counting the money from “No Time To Die”.
BB: We’re in trouble here, Michael.
MGW: How? There’s millions here!
BB: Yes, but it’s less than “Spectre” and that was less than “Skyfall”.
MGW: Oh, Barbara, the circumstances are different- there’s Covid, for one thing.
BB: We delayed the film as long as we could.
MGW: Yes, but older people are still reluctant to go to the cinema and that’s where our main audience lies.
BB: The film has done well in the UK and Europe.
MGW: Not in the States, though. It’s hardly a flop but it isn’t doing the kind of money we need after letting it sit on the shelf for so long.
BB: So why do you think that should be? We spent hundreds of thousands on advertising!
MGW: Word of mouth- it can be your friend or your enemy. There just isn’t the buzz that we would want.
BB: Why should that be?
MGW: It’s the depressing ending. People aren’t leaving the cinemas full of joy and wanting to see it again, apart from the die-hard Bond fans.
BB: You mean, like with OHMSS?
MGW: Yes, like that. You’ll remember that that was the least profitable of all the James Bond films up to that point.
BB: Yes, so Dad and Harry made the next one lighter and funnier. It made millions more.
MGW: Well, of course having Sean Connery back as Bond helped enormously with that.
BB: So are you saying we have to have Daniel back again? (Eyes flutter.)
MGW: Not necessarily.
BB: (Disappointed.) Oh.
MGW: Let’s just make it… I don’t know… fun!
MGW: Yes, fun! A film people can enjoy, have a good time with, tell all their friends about.
BB: I'm not sure… That’s what we tried with “Die Another Day”.
MGW: And it made millions at the box office- more than “No Time To Die” is making!
BB: I see your point.
MGW: So we need a light-hearted Bond. Someone who can do comedy and is popular in the States.
BB: Oh...oh no...you don't mean...?
MGW: I'm afraid I do.
BB: OK...may as well make the call. Ricky?'
(Ricky the intern sticks his head in the door.)
R: Yes, Mrs. B?
BB: I can't believe I'm saying this...get James Corden on the phone.
BB: What about the plot and the stunts though?
MGW: We need some homages to earlier Bond films.
BB: We've been doing that for the last 20 years, Michael.
MGW: Are there any stunts we haven't done? Anything so big and impressive it will leave the audience with the wow factor?
BB: Well, talking of "Diamonds are Forever", audiences loved the moon buggy, and Sean's 'walk on the moon'. Something along those lines?
MGW: And we've never homaged Bond going into space in 'Moonraker'...
BB: But we'd need to make it credible...
MGW: (Turning to the door and shouting.) Ricky!
(Panting, Ricky the intern pops his head round the door again.)
Ricky: Yes, Mr W?
MGW: Forget James Corden... get William Shatner on the 'phone!
You've done it! You saved the Bond franchise!
2021. James Bond is confronted by an agitated Bond fan.
Fan: James! James!
Bond: Hello, what is it?
Fan: I’m so glad I’ve caught you- Listen, Moneypenny has had dates with other men!
Bond: Oh? I’ve had dates with a thousand other women, what’s the problem?
Fan: But James, she’s supposed to be waiting for you!
Bond: Oh grow up, you didn’t really think she’d been waiting for me all these years, did you?
Fan: And Q is having dates with other men too!
Bond: So? What’s your problem?
Fan: But… but… M is drinking too much!
Bond: Have you stopped for a second and assessed the amount that I drink?
Fan: And you have a daughter!
Bond: After all these years of unprotected sex, that comes as a surprise? The only surprise is that I have only one.
Fan: But… but… you die at the end of the new film!
Bond: (Lifts an eyebrow in that very familiar manner we have all grown to know…. and love.) Really, I would have thought you would have known better than that. How many times do you live?
Bond: (Amused.) Come on, call yourself a Bond fan? How many times do you live?
Fan: (Reluctantly.) Twice.
Bond: And there you go. I’ll see you in the next movie…. whenever that is.
Rami: But this isn’t real life- this is just fantasy….
I'd like to make a request for more Freddy Mercury quotes
😆😆😆 Many a true word...
Loved this one! 🍸🍸🍸 And what a fine vintage that '69 would be 😆😆😆
2019. Eon HQ writers’ room, in a disused toilet at Eon HQ.
Purvis: Okay, so Tanner is telling Bond about Blofeld talking to himself. We need a snappy thing for him to say.
Wade: Tanner gets to say something snappy?
Purvis: Yeah, this time we need that. He has to emphasise how crazy everyone thinks Blofeld is, so they don’t realise he’s using his bionic eye to communicate with Spectre.
Waller-Bridge: He’s as loony as a lunchboxful of lemurs?
Wade: Na, not that.
Fukunaga: As crazy as a capful of cats?
Purvis: Don’t like that much.
Wade: As potty as a purseful of puffins? A pocketful of pandas?
Waller-Bridge: As wacky as a walletful of wasps?
Purvis: That’s closer!
Fukunaga: As batty as a batch of beetles?
Wade: We’re getting there…
Purvis: As mad as a bag of bees!
Fukunaga: That’s it!
Wade: Yeah, well done, Neal!
Waller-Bridge: But what does that mean?
Purvis: Doesn’t matter- that’s the one!
Are you suggesting Purvis & Wade aren't the sharpest pencils in the box? A few keys short of a keyboard?
It's not impossible, CP, as long as I'm not under pressure.
N24, never would I suggest such a thing.
No, only DAD suggest that. 😁
2019. Outside Madeleine’s place. Daniel Craig and Cary Fukunaga stand between the two cars there, an Aston Martin and a Toyota Land Cruiser.
Cary: ...so Bond realises that the bad guys are on to him and they have to get away. He straps young Mathilde into the back of the Land Cruiser, Madeleine gets into the front, then he-
Daniel: Hey wait a minute there- he throws his girlfriend and the kid into the Land Cruiser to escape the bad guys?
Cary: That’s right, then-
Daniel: He’s taking them away from the villains and he puts them into the Land Cruiser when there’s a perfectly good Aston Martin sitting there that he drove up in?
Cary: Yes, but-
Daniel: And you know that this vehicle (He pats the Aston Martin.) can do twice the speed of that one (He points to the Land Cruiser.) and drive circles around it?
Cary: And you know that the script has him go off road into some woods, where being in a Land Cruiser is a distinct advantage?
Daniel: And you don’t know that this Aston Martin is the one James Bond drove through ice and snow in “The Living Daylights”, it’s been “winterised” by Q, and has various very useful optional accessories fitted for when you’re being chased?
Cary: Er, is it?
Daniel: That it is.
Cary: Well, then, there’s a lot more room inside a Land Cruiser to get good shots of you and Lea and the girl.
Daniel: Weak excuse, Cary, what are you really after?
Cary: Me? Nothing!
Daniel: C’mon, out with it!
Cary: (Reluctantly.) Michael and Barbara said Toyota have paid them a lot of money to have their car in the film.
Daniel: Yes, let the villains drive them.
Cary: No, you don’t understand- they want James Bond to be driving their car. Guaranteed sales, you see.
Daniel: Ah, I see… well, come on girls- the Land Cruiser it is! What's that? Yes of course you can bring Dou-Dou!
But Bond doesn’t drive a Range Rover in those scenes 🙈
It’s a Toyota Land Cruiser 👀🤣
Thanks, Sir Miles! I've corrected that. ☺️
ISTANBUL. DECEMBER 1999.
Bond: I was wrong about you.
Christmas: Yeah? How so?
James: I thought Christmas comes only once a year.
James gives Christmas a closed mouth kiss. After a few seconds Christmas gives an exasperated sigh.
Christmas: Actually...no. Not even once.
James sits up on the side of the bed.
James: But I thought you...twice.
Christmas: That was you.
Christmas gets out of bed and begins to get dressed.
Christmas: No wonder Electra was able to pull the wool over your eyes so easily. I'm not going to bother to fake it. I'm not an actress.
James: You're telling me. Are you saying this because I made a Christmas joke?
Christmas examines herself in the dresser mirror.
Christmas: No. Think about it, James. We've done it twice...technically. Yet my makeup and hair are still perfect. Neither of us have even broken a sweat. It was all too vanilla. Straight missionary. No changing positions. The closest thing to animalistic was when you lightly bit my shoulder. Once.
Christmas heads to the door.
James: Where are you going? You could ... instruct me with some more pointers.
Christmas: Sorry, lover. I have to catch a plane to Japan. Aerosmith is playing Osaka on New Year's Eve. Steven Tyler invited me.
Christmas gives a wink and exits the room.
James (to himself): Change up positions. Be more animalistic. Have to wait until I get back from North Korea in a few days.
😀😀😀 Best line- "You're telling me" !
second best line: 'When you lightly bit my shoulder'!
Bond awakens to find himself on the living room couch in his Chelsea flat.
Bond is momentarily disorientated. He was last on the other side of the planet. Realisation dawns on his face.
He walks to the windows and looks out at...
Bond: For f**k's sake. Every time I try to retire.
The television on the floor turns itself on. A familiar symbol appears on the screen....
Female Television Voice: Welcome back, Number 7.
That is just perfect.
Brilliant! 😂😂😂 My all-time favourite TV show. Wish I'd thought of that! 🍸🍸🍸
This was my "Duh! Why hasn't it been done yet" mash up. If only I had Photoshop.
2021. Outside Eon HQ… no, the real one. BB and MGW emerge, their limousine awaits.
BB: Well, that’s another hard day counting money done.
MGW: And another one ahead tomorrow.
BB: Are you sure you locked the door, Michael?
MGW: Yes, I did. (Rattles the door.) See?
BB: Well, let’s go.
(They get into their limousine and the chauffeur drives off. After a moment, three figures emerge from the shadows.)
Timmy: Ok, everyone ready?
Charlie: Yes, I’m ready. Esteban, you have the gear?
Esteban: Got it right here.
(He unfurls a long coil of rope and throws it up. A hook on the end catches on a windowsill.)
Estaban: (Testing the rope.) Ok, ready.
(One at a time, they begin to ascend the rope like Batman and Robin used to do back in the 1960s. They reach the window.)
Charlie: Timmy, you’ve got the glasscutter?
Timmy: Sure, I’ve got it.
(Timmy cuts a hole in the glass, reaches in and opens the window. The three silently enter and begin to look around.)
Esteban: Over here, guys. This door.
Timmy: Let’s go in.
(They enter a door and find a room with a desk and chairs.)
Charlie: This looks like it!
Timmy: I hope you’ve remembered to bring the most important thing!
Charlie: But of course.
(He pulls out a sealed letter and places it on the desk.)
Esteban: Come on, let’s go!
(They sneak back out through the window, closing it behind them, and climb back down the rope.)
Charlie: That’s us finished- split up now and get back home.
Timmy: See you later.
Esteban: Yes, catch you tomorrow.
(The three figures melt into the darkness. The night passes, and the next morning the Broccoli limousine returns. MGW and BB emerge and let themselves in, heading to their office.)
MGW: Well, let’s start- hello, what’s this here?
BB: A letter, but the post won’t have been delivered yet.
MGW: And it’s addressed to us!
(He opens the letter and passes it to his sister.)
BB: (Reading.) “Dear Michael and Barbara, Please please please- it goes on like this for some time- for God’s sake, don’t have any more of Bond’s family members turn up in the next movie. No children, sort-of mothers, sort-of brothers- none at all.”
MGW: Is it signed?
BB: Yes, but we’d be here all day reading the amount of signatures on it.
MGW: Hmmm, what do you think we should do?
BB: What we always do- ignore it completely and do just what we want.
MGW: As usual.
BB: (Listens intently.) Do you hear that?
MGW: Yes, don’t worry. It’s just your dad rolling in his grave again.
Late 2021. Eon writers’ room. Purvis paces frustratedly back and forward. Wade sits staring glumly at a blank computer screen. If this was the 1960s, there would be an ashtray sitting there overflowing with cigarette ends. Suddenly Wade begins typing. Purvis excitedly looks over his shoulder.
Purvis: You think…?
Wade: Could be.
Wade: You’re right.
(He presses the delete button. Purvis begins to walk back and forward again. Wade resumes staring at the screen.)
Early 2022. Wade paces back and forward while Purvis sits staring at the blank screen. Empty coffee cups overflow the table. Wade suddenly stop pacing. Purvis looks at him excitedly. Wade gloomily shakes his head. If they had musical instruments, one would be yelling at the other to just "play the f**king note".
Mid 2022. A park near Eon HQ. Purvis and Wade walk by the duck pond, deep in thought. They walk for a couple of hours.
Purvis: Robert- I’ve got it!
Wade: You have?
Purvis: Yes- quick!
(They rush back to their room and Purvis sits at the keyboard.)
Purvis: Right, what was it?
Wade: What do you mean “what was it”?
Purvis: You said you’d got it!
Wade: No, that was you- you said you’d got it!
Purvis: No, it was definitely- oh wait, you’re right. It was me.
Purvis: (Sadly.) I’ve forgotten now.
Late 2022. Both of them are now pacing back and forward, the screen continues to lie blank. Suddenly the telephone rings.
Purvis: Hello? …. Ah, hello Barbara. (To Wade.) It’s Barbara.
Wade: I think I got that.
Purvis: …. No, nothing yet … Yes, of course we’re working on it … Yes, the minute we have it we’ll phone you … Yes, of course… Bye, Barbara.
Wade: So that was Barbara then?
(They begin pacing again.)
yes!!! I love the mash-ups, and any excuse for a photo of PortMeirion!
do you think CraigBond and Number 6 would get along? I imagine not, one's pema-paranoid, the others got a chip on his shoulder and talks too close, thered be some interesting Imaginary Conversations on that patio.
I didn't get the references this time ...
The references were to the classic 60's TV series The Prisoner
Thanks. I've heard of it, but never seen it.
Safin: Hello, Mr. Bond. No, don't bother with the handcuff. I know what you're thinking...'I want to break free.' Just hold on for a bit.
JB: What do you want from me?
Safin: Isn't it obvious? I want it all.
JB: But you can't have it all. Nobody can.
Safin: Liar. (walks around the room). Look, over here, I'm just a good old fashioned lover boy. (walks to the other side of the room). Now I'm here. You know what I am now, don't you? I'm death on two legs.
JB: All I see is a scared little man.
Safin: You need to open your eyes to what I've got planned, my dear Mr. Bond. I'm going to give the world a sheer heart attack.
JB: You really are stone cold crazy, aren't you?
Safin: Just crazy...aren't we all, though?
JB: Not me.
Safin: Sure you are, Mr. Bond. We're all just looking for somebody to love, aren't we?
JB: No, you've got me wrong.
Safin: Come now, Mr. Bond. You've spent your whole life chasing a bunch of fat bottomed girls across the globe. Anytime you got a little too close to a lady, you'd spread your wings and fly away. Deep down, you were scared of commitment...scared of that crazy little thing called love.
JB: No, that's not true.
Safin: And if you did get too close, you'd try and blow it off. You'd say something like 'you're my best friend' and try and get the lady to just dial it back.
Safin: 'Never', he says. You're so wrong. You were just waiting for the hammer to fall with one of these ladies...and that finally happened with Miss Swann, didn't it?
Safin: Oh yes. You found yourself rushing headlong into this relationship, didn't you? 'Save me', you said...but no.
JB: Enough with the innuendo!
Safin: No innuendo at all, Mr. Bond. Love gets us all...one minute you're alive and free, the next...well, another one bites the dust.
JB: Where is she? What have you done with her?
Safin: (smiling) Keep yourself alive, Mr. Bond. I'll return her to you soon enough... (looks at his watch) It's late. We'll resume this conversation later. Have no fear, though...the show must go on.
😀 I bet you came up with that in a flash.
I'm sure it made a supersonic man out of him.
why thanks @Gymkata
that was Dynamite with a Laser Beam!